House Guest

Folks, it has been seriously hot in the fields for the past few days. The East Coast is experiencing a heat wave, and the field-negro has been catching it out here. So I figured, what the heck, this is a good time to find a way to the house with the rest of the house negroes. At least I will be in the shade for awhile.

Now I was wondering just how I was going to get into the house; when my old friend, fra..I mean President Bush came through for me. He invited me to write the speech he will be giving at the NAACP convention. I guess he figured, and rightfully so, that the field-negro would be plugged in to the oldest civil rights organization in the United States. And who better to write the speech that he will be giving to this venerable organization -one that he has snubbed since the start of his Presidency-but the field-negro.

OK, so I am in the house, and I must admit, it's really tempting to live in here as opposed to the fields. As I tip down the grand hallways, and pass the fabulous sculptures and original paintings, I find myself officially in awe of the house. Hey, there is Clarence Thomas, studying in the law library. Hi Clarence, what's up bro? Mmmm, Clarence doesn't look to happy to see the field-negro, he barely acknowledged a brother. Oh well. Hey, there is Oprah, and Gayle King! What the heck are they doing?.....Ahh sorry Oprah, I didn't mean to interrupt anything. I will be just on my way now. What's that music coming from the powder room? Oh, it's Wayne Brady playing the baby grand; he sounds good too. What's up Wayne? Can you play some Luther for a brother? Sorry man, I didn't know that they don't allow that type of music in here. Mmmm, something smells good, looks like it's coming from the kitchen. Hey, it's Leshawn Barber. Girl I didn't know you could cook? No need for the evil eye girl friend, I wont go in your pot. Geez! I think I will just go down the hall and start writing the speech for the President now, these negroes in here are no fun. They all seem so... scared.

Well it's speech writing time; I gotta drag this out a little, because as soon as I am finished, they will be sending my black ass back to the fields. OK let's see; I gotta start with a nice ice breaker.
Frat boy was, after all, the only sitting President since Herbert Hoover to snub the NAACP. So I have to lighten the mood a little from the jump. Lets see; I know the NAACP was started February 12, 1909 just two days before Valentine's Day. Now that's ironinc, cause I can feel the love already....Naw that aint gonna do it. Now I want to say a few words to my friend Bruce S. Gordon, your most able President. Bruce, thank you for inviting me. Frankly, I was mad at you guys for a little while. After that James Byrd ad. you ran against me, heck, I was more than mad, let's just say that little slip of the tongue I had at the G8 summit pales in comparrison to what I was saying about you guys.....Naw can't use that either. Bruce, I like your honesty, I like the fact that you admitted that the NAACP has closer to 180,000 members and not the 500,000 that your predecessors like to claim. After all, honesty is the best policy ....Naw better scratch that too. I was wondering, why do you people still refer to yourselves as colored people? I mean shouldn't you be the NAABP or somthing?.....I just wan't you peopple to kow that I had nothing to do with the IRS investigating your tax exempt status.... You know what, screw this, I am heading back to the fields. It's hot out there, but it's nothing compared to the heat I am feeling trying to write this stupid speech for frat boy. Besides, he has Tony Snow, let him write it.

The field-negro is outta here, I am just going to sneak out the back way so that frat boy doesn't notice that I am bailng out on him. Hey field what's up? Oh hi Colin, you scared me man. What are you doing in here, I thought you were back in the fields? No field it's too hot out there, I just figured I would hang out here in the back hallways and hopefully no one will notice me. Well, good luck, and be careful, I just saw Condi down the hall . Thanks for the tip field, be careful out there. No brother, you be careful in here.