Sunday, December 17, 2006

Letter To Santa.




The field just got home from yet another trip to the mall, and I must say that it's still amazing just how this particular holiday can transform people. I know, it's just eight days before Christmas, so what else should I expect. Anyway, what I remember about this particular trip was that Santa Claus himself was in the middle of the mall. He was taking pictures and Christmas wishes from all the little ones who were all more than delighted to have their pics taken, and to have the ear of the jolly one himself, if even for just a couple of minutes.

So I was thinking, since I didn't have time to get in line, and because people would laugh at me anyway-field get out of there you are way too old to be visiting Santa-I thought I would pen the big guy a letter in the privacy of my own home. No pressure,no screaming kids, and no crowds to mess up my train of thoughts.

So here goes:

Mr. Santa Claus-AKA Jolly St. Nicholas
Santa's Workshop
North Pole, Alaska 99705


Dear Santa:

I hope this letter finds you in your usual good spirits as you get ready for your big day. Or should I say, big evening. First, I would like to apologize for my fellow Philadelphians booing you and throwing snow balls at you during that football game back in the day. I know it was a long time ago, but I had to clear the air, just in case you see where I am from and decide to hold it against me.

How is Mrs. Claus? Say hello to her for me please, she seems like such a nice lady, and I am sure she has her hands full taking care of you and all those reindeer and little helper elves. It must be really hard for you two given the fact that you only work once a year, and she is a stay at home wife. How do you survive on just one salary, I mean don't you have to meet pay roll for all those little helpers? I know they don't work for free. And just how the heck do you afford all those toys that you give away every year? Do you get donations from very rich people and toy companies, does the government just give you a stipend because of all the good cheer that you bring, or does someone else buy the gifts and you have been taking credit for them all these years? Ahh heck, I am sorry for saying that Santa, I couldn't believe that about you, you are way too nice of a guy to perpetuate that type of a hoax on all these little children.

I know some years are tougher than some, but I bet this will be an easy year for you with the toy deliveries. Because quite frankly, so many more people have been naughty than nice. As a result, I bet this year you saved a ton in fuel cost because your sleigh is so much lighter for your trip.

So anyway, I was wondering; since you might have some extra toys laying around, could you deliver them to some children in a place called Darfur for me? I know you have probably never heard of it. It's in Africa, there are children there too, and they would love nothing more than a little Christmas cheer and joy from you. I bet none of them have been naughty either Santa, because frankly, they are barely alive, and I am sure they don't even have the energy to be naughty. In fact, now that I think about it; do you think you could get them some food? I mean toys would be nice, but they can't eat toys and I think staying alive is more important to them right about now.

Now it's warm in Africa Santa, so you might want to lose some of that clothes before you go. And there really is no chimney's there either, so you might want to watch that desert landing. Oh, and watch out for the Jamjaweed fighters, they happen to be Muslims, and I don't think they believe in you or the whole Christmas spirit thing, so please be careful. Keep those reindeer and that sleigh jacked up in case you have to make a clean get way. Trust me, I know these people, they will have no problem killing you and taking all the toys and food meant for the children. So you better take Dancer, Prancer,and Comet, and leave the slow pokes like Rudolph and Cupid at home. There will be no love in the desert, and besides, Rudolph's bright red nose might give you away. Trust me, there is nothing bright in Darfur, so they will spot you from a mile away.


And while we are on the subject of giving to little children. Can you make sure that whatever you give the little children in the hood,-whoops, sorry Santa, I meant in the inner city- they will have some educational value. Please, no toy guns, or PlayStations, or any toy that they will spend hours with in idle play. They need things like toy computers, books, and calculators. I know it might not be what they are wishing for, but just this once, I am asking you not to listen to their wishes, and do what will be better for them in the long run. Believe me, their parents (or parent) will be happy too, because a lot of the things they are wishing for will be too expensive for them to get if you can't deliver it for them. Now this is only for the little kids in the inner city Santa, you can give the little kids in the suburbs whatever they want, because if you can't deliver, I am sure their parents will find a way to get it for them.

As for gifts for me, I don't want any, and I don't have any personal wishes for you. I know you specialize in toys and good cheer around Christmas, so my wish would be a little too deep for you to handle. Number one, it would be a year round request, and not something for just this time of year. And, it involves a much more complex problem or problems, than even you could take on. I mean I could give you the whole corny I want peace on earth good will to man spiel, but unless you know how to get guns off the streets, and erase years and years of self hatred indoctrinated into the minds of our children, it won't work. Unless you know how to find a way to minimize the ego greed and selfishness of our politricksters and so called community leaders, then I am afraid I would be just wasting my breath. And unless you know how to stop a cowboy from taking an entire country of over 300 million people farther into a war that has no end in sight, and can have no positive conclusion; then asking you would be pointless. I mean it would just depress you so much if I asked for what I really wanted, that quite frankly, you would simply close the Santa shop and take Ms. Claus down to Florida with you to retire.

So instead, I will just ask for other people, like the children of Darfur, and the children of Iraq, and I will just hope that you can deliver for me and for them. If you could do that, in spite of all the dangers, I would really appreciate it, and I would stop being so cynical about all your powers and the good that you supposedly do.

Oh, before I go, Santa, you really need to start watching your weight, I know it's all a part of your image to be the chubby jolly guy. But if you are not careful, you might have some serious health issues down the line; and if you check out, think of all the disappointed children we will have next Christmas, not to mention poor Mrs. Clause, who will have to live out the rest of her life as a widow.

Well, bye for now Santa, and be careful out there this holiday season. The world isn't what it used to be, and quite frankly, not as many kids believe in you anymore. So lock up your sleigh when you leave it, watch your back, and be careful in certain neighborhoods. Some of these kids don't want to wait until you give them the gifts, they will take it from you, and they don't give a damn whether you think they were naughty or nice. I swear Santa, they are growing up way too fast.


Sincerely,

The Field Negro

9 comments:

DivineLavender said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
field negro said...

Folks, sorry about "devinelavender" who...shall we say, is a little too x rated and raunchy even for the field.
We will have to clearly review our comments in the future.

This blog might be rated PG or even R, but it sure ain't rated X :)

Tasha said...

Nice post. Maybe if you leave milk and cookies out for the fat man, he'll deliver what you've asked for. *Rolls eyes*. I wish it were that simple!

I remember as a little girl I used to ask Santa to feed the Ethopian kids we'd see on TV. I guess he didn't get my letters.

Bliss said...

Grace and Peace

It is about time someone decided to educate Dear Old Saint Nick.

Put it in the mail!

Grace and Peace
Bliss

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