Monday, May 07, 2007

"Baby Daddy Drama"


People who are regular readers of this blog, know that I am pretty much a libertarian when it comes to social matters, and people's behavior in their bedrooms. As long as everyone involved is a consenting adult, I really could care less what you do in the privacy of your own home. Want to sleep with women, cool with me. Want to sleep with men, cool with me. Want to sleep with your pet rabbit or your German Shepard; I really don't give a f**k.

But having said that, I want to draw the line on certain forms of bedroom behavior and I am going to tell you why: Today I was having lunch with a colleague who happens to be a prosecutor in our local child support office here. And during lunch he was telling me about a plaintiff who was reading him the riot act in court, all because she didn't think the city was doing enough to get child support from her babies father. She was dropping the "F" bomb, and carrying on so much that she almost had to be arrested her damn self for disrupting the courtroom. So of course I asked the question that those of us in this business always ask each other. An unfortunate little inside joke that we all share among ourselves. "How many cases did the defendant have?" "Take a guess field." He was laughing, but not really, it was more like a; I have to laugh to keep from crying kind of laugh. "Ahhh three." "Try five. Yep, her baby daddy had five damn cases. All active, and he was not paying on any of them, and she was mad at me."

So back to that line I want to draw. And some of you are going to be mad at me for this; but I have to keep it 100% with you. As I said earlier, I have no problem with the private behavior of adults as long as it's consensual. That is, at least, until your damn behavior starts affecting me. See it's like this: When you go around having babies for mother f*****s who are not taking care of the children they already have, then it's a problem. When you meet a man who has three, four, or five kids with say three different women, and he is spending more time with you than with his damn kids; well then we have a problem. Because guess what; someone is going to have to take care of your children, because more often or not you are not going to have the means to do it by your lonesome. Unfortunately you are going to end up in court one day, begging some poor District Attorney to help you get the child support money that your baby daddy owes you.

And before we make this a gender battle, let me say right now for the record: As a man I am ashamed of some of these trifling ass brothers out here having multiple children with different women and not handling their responsibilities as fathers. But...(you knew that was coming) my question to the ladies is this: Do you have to give up the unprotected booty to these brothers? I mean seriously, if the mother f*****r is not taking care of the children he has with some other poor woman, what makes you think he is going to take care of yours? I mean what makes you any different than the last woman he tricked? Hey, I understand that sh** happens, and yes you are going to meet brothers who already have children with other women. After all, this is the real world we are talking about, and real sh**happens. But watch how he treats his children, even if he does not get along with their mother. If he is paying his child support to that other woman, or she does not have him in court because he is taking care of business, well then more than likely when the sh** hits the fan, please believe that he will pay you child support, or take care of your children as well.

So I draw the line with behavior that brings us (society) children who are not properly cared for. Sisters get your freak on all you want, but please be careful who you get your freak on with. If you think you can take care of your children all by yourself, and can provide for them both emotionally and financially, well then by all means have a hundred of those little crumb snatchers. But when things don't work out because you decided to hook up with some sweet talking loser. Please do not curse out your local District Attorney because you can't get your child support money. The poor schmuck is just doing his job. Just like your "baby daddy" should have been doing after he impregnated you.

72 comments:

mark said...

Yo Field excellent article.Also you are correct some of these behavior is extremely embarassing because I know we can do better. Anyway as I said before if we want to change this reality we will have to change our behavior.

rikyrah said...

Preach it. Preach.

Just be honest.

It's time for serious tough love with our Sisters.

If he's not paying child support for anyone else...he'll not pay it for you.

If he has multiple children and NO ex-wives...

WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM?

At some point, women are going to have to take responsibility for what they do with their bodies.

If he has no job; why are you having unprotected sex with him?
How can he pay for anything?

My mother told me when I went to college:

Every man you sleep with could become attached to you for the next 20 years, unless you're
1. Smart
2. Selective
3. Careful


Women, dont allow yourself to become a Maury Povich joke. Do you realize those jokes are paying for Maury and Connie's apartment on Central Park West?

Ridiculous



PS-FN please explain to me what happened with Chaka Fattah? Why is he now in 3rd place in the Mayor's race?

Liz said...

A few years ago a guy I went to high school with got taken to court by his ELEVEN baby mamas. All the women knew each other very well. He even had babies by two sisters. They were definitely having a Waiting to Exhale moment when they decided to try to collect their child support. The thing was, this guy did not have a legit job and there's no way someone who didn't graduate from high school is able to provide for that many kids unless he becomes a lottery winner or Puffy, so I really thought there was not a lot of point in taking him to court. My thing was, why get with a man who you KNOW has that many kids? It was beyond me.

Miss Profe said...

And, does the fear of sexually transmitted infections ever enter into the equation, in addition to possible pregnacy? I guess not.

Your post is on-point, field.

Anonymous said...

Field, I'm right there with you. I wish that sisters would just take a moment to think how not being more careful is screwing them for a lifetime. My mother told me the same thing that the sister said before me. A few minutes of pleasure can land me a lifetime headache with a brother that may very well refuse to accept his burden of the responsibility.

The biggest thing that frightens me about brothers and sisters having all these babies is the fact that it is apparent that these folks are having unprotected sex. The one thing I tell my sisters is that a baby may be the least of the problems that they catch when they lie down with these men. Don't brothers and sisters know that HIV and AIDS are real. Hell, herpies is real. I don't know about them, but I don't want herpies no more than I want HIV/AIDS.

It's time for sisters to be more smart, responsible, and mature. yeah, brothers need to be more responsible too. But here's my issue with sisters. When the sexing goes down, and pregnancy takes place, sisters are usually the one left holding the bag. That's why I think sisters should do whatever it takes to protect themselves today, as well as protecting their future.

And like my sister pointed out... That crap on Maurey is not funny. The nonsense that goes on that show only benefits him and his wife. Never think that Maurey gives a dang about who your baby's father is. You're on television making a jackass out of yourself. And Maurey is laughing his behind off all the way to the bank.

Angie

Anonymous said...

i hope someone writes in who has hooked up with a guy with baby mama drama because we can be baffled and condemn them and hold them to personal responsibility all we want (and i don't disagree with much of this at all!) but women are still having these children and getting with these men and just because i don't know them or what factors contributed to the state of mind or body that allowed this, i'm not going to assume all these women are raving idiots...i'd like to hear them...

-elizabeth

Hathor said...

I think in a sense we tend to think more about abstinence than birth control. Somehow if we use birth control we become immoral. Just even talking about sex is difficult. We either seemed shocked or act like we teenagers. A dual personality takes hold of us also and we become so judgmental and miss the point of frank discussions. I'm in my sixties, and didn't really think about this myself until lately.
Looked at the African America (black) Opinion Blog and only found one blog about sex, fortunately it was about safe sex.

field said...

I co-sign with what everyone wrote. elizabeth, I agree I would love to hear from one of these women who found herself in this position. Although, to be honest, I talk to many of these women in this situation on a regukar basis. And these are not dumb people, many of these women are quite sharp and have themselves on the ball. And were it not for a dead beat in their lives, they would not be in court.

rikyrah, Chaska is losing for one simple reason: Money! There is a millionaire in this race (Tom Knox) who can print money, and who has spent millions of his own money in this race.

Also, there are three very qualififed black candidates, and one white candidate who has lots black support with the inside party players. So it's a very complex race with many issues.

Anonymous said...

i hear you field -

i guess in hindsight, i'm actually less interested in the specific story of one or two of these women (although there might be some interesting things revealed by hearing from and understanding the lives of many of them...)

i guess i mean to point to something that might be more revealing...why exactly are so many intelligent, capable women allowing such men in their lives? (from baby mama drama to other behavior that shouldn't be tolerated)...I think it closes off space to explore this when we simply condemn it as if we would/should/could do better. And possibly some of us would/should/could. So this is not to seek some abstract excuse for an individual's behavior...but more to explore what is going on here...

When I was younger it was easy for me to look at women putting up with asshole men and abuse as if they were idiots (and I, of course, would never allow such behavior. i thought, in obvious cliche "why don't you just leave?!").

Until I found myself in a situation accepting very subtly unacceptable behavior without realizing it...like it had crept up on me, slowly lowered my thresholds and tolerated more and more...

it really is like looking at awoman in an abusive situation and saying why's she an idiot, why doesn't she just leave? It's always more complicated than that, always deeper than JUST that relationship/situation/etc...

what is it she's missing? What is it she never received? What is it she HAS received that conditioned her to accept less-than? What is it that blinds her to feeling more worthy than the situation she is in allows for? And if there is a trend of women putting up with this kind of bullshit and other forms, what does this say about our society's support/treatment/etc. of women?

If society functioned perfectly, we'd all be creative, self-determined individuals, building communities, etc...so I guess it seems clear to me that there's a greater point about what females are grown and fed on in this society that creates a situation where the trend you've observed occurs...

-Elizabeth

field said...

Folks, sorry for all the bad spelling in those comments above, but it was early :(

NSangoma said...

Very nice post. But, I am afraid you are preaching to those already converted.

The caste of Negroe, both male and female, that has multiple children by multiple partners, probably do not have access to computers, the internet, and your blog in their homes.

Sorry, they are probably not using the computers at the public library either.

I think there was a mention once of providing every family who could not afford it, a computer and internet access.

If that were to happen, they would probably watch Internet TV and not read your blog.
`

JustMeWriting said...

I couldn't wait to comment on the post...lol, I didn't even read the second half; I say this ALL DAY LONG. Woman have GOT to make it THEIR business to take care of their kids. I mean seriously, when you use bad judgement, better yet... NO JUDGEMENT you close with these problems and the one's MADE suffer in the greatest are the children.

It's the children who have to hear the rants of their mothers, who have to be dragged to court as an added appeal to the judge. It's the children who feel neglected and abandoned by sometimes, BOTH parents; it's they that may go without because Mother says that Father didn't give money for bread. Needless to say, I'm SOOOO tired of this.

I'm a single mother of two sons 15 and 11, I'm not going to delve too deep into my situation, but I'll say it is ME alone who takes care of my sons...and I don't say that for brownie points, or extra credit of ANY SORT, but at the end of the day...it's the WOMAN holding the 'bag', it's the WOMAN having the responsibility all her own if that becomes the case, so that same WOMAN had better KNOW that she can care for her children ALL BY HERSELF in it came down to it.

We all know things SHOULDN'T be this way, but THEY ARE... so we've got to be prepare for come what may.

great post field.

dc_speaks said...

excellent post, field.

I understand that people are capable of great ignorance and men and women both get caught up in the "falling in love with the feeling/idea of falling in love". Once that happens and the flood gates of emotion are opened, both parties are equally responsible for the outcome.

Men know that pregnancy is a 50/50 chance, but choose to go ahead and go "bareback" anyhow. I am a single father since my eldest was 7 mos old. Unfortunately, that is a growing trend of our society. That is a blog for another day though.

I encourage women to please, please do what you do...just protect yourselves. Just like this post outlines, once the baby is born, getting help may be predicated on whether you and the dude are on good speaking terms.

As a former slayer of women, I have told numerous lies to get booty. Now that I have two boys, one of which is about 15 yrs old, I would like him to take the higher road.

Once again, even though they may not see this post personally, if someone that knows someone shares the contents out of "each one, teach one" then change can happen.

Thanks for sharing.

Sorry for the length of the comment

Denise said...

thanks for great the post,FN.

Perhaps I can provide some insight into the mindset that drives some of this behavior.

I have a relative who chose to have a child with a man who is currently serving time for selling drugs. The guy had a history of prison, domestic violence (he regularly beat her ass), numerous - at least 4 - baby mama. She and at least one other woman were pregnant at the same time.

In other words, hers is a tale of a classic "Negro mess". The sad part is she was raised solidly middle class. Family has money to send her to college,her father is a retired SES (govt exec), the whole nine. She was given options and chose to get hooked up with illerate jail bird brothas.

This relative confided to another that overall she "doesn't deserve nice things; doesn't deserve to be treated with respect and needs to create distractions (serial booty callers, car repossession notices, bill collections,etc.) to punish herself.

The sad thing is that she has a surrounded herself with a bunch of like-minded enabling chickenheads (all over 35 y/o) with the same or lower esteem. The "misery likes company" crowd. Counseling is out of the question as long as she finds solace with other losers.

This is one explanation of the mindset that drives the this baby mama/chicken-head problem.

The most troubling aspect of this is that these are the custodians of our next generation of young men and women. Think about it.

Liz said...

Why does this happen? A lot of teenage girls don't know about birth control or how to go about getting it. Plus, guys put pressure on girls to not use a condom. "What, you think I got something? You don't trust me?" Many girls are not emotionally mature to deal with that kind of game. Plus, when you're young, no one thinks they're going to get HIV or a host of other diseases. Unfortunately, no one's singing "Let's wait awhile" nowadays either. I think girls are looking for love. They'll say they love a guy. But when you ask the guy who he loves, he'll say his mom, his granny, his sister and his auntie.

Let me just add to this that although some of the girls that I knew that got pregnant were from very low income backgrounds, not all of them were.

mark said...

The bottom line is this in my oppinion, no unmarried black person should be having sex without a condom in 2007 period.

All black people know the affects of single mothers households on black america, not to mention the fact that aids is spread through heterosexual activity and you cant tell by looking at a person if they have aids or not.

I really wish someone would explain to me why the black church has not been advocating for condum use for all of the black american population who is not married and having sex when 68% of all black children are born out of wedlock.

I really wish someone would explain to me why the black church is still ignoring the aids crisis in black america

Anonymous said...

I don't think that teenagers are the only ones making this mistake of giving up the boody without protecting themselves. A study came out a couple of years ago that pointed out that black women in their 30's are having babies without being married more than ever before. And these sisters are not "chickenheads". We'retalking about sisters that really should be more responsible.

Unfortunately, we live in an age that people just jump in the bed without thinking about consiquences. We're so busy trying to be loved, get love, give love, experience love, and benefit from love, that we just take our brains and toss them in the dumpster.

I know sisters that completely decide to ignore the nonsense that brothers be bringing, just because they don't want to be by themselves. I know grown women that decide to give up their bodies on the first date to men that wouldn't be able to get their attention if they were using their heads.

I'm thinking that a lack of fathers in the h ouse is the cause of this problem. Not only did my mother teach me that I'm a beautiful gift that's worth protecting, my dad did. My father was the first man to tell me that I'm beautiful. My father was the first man to make me blush. My father was the first man to tell me that he loved me. And my father kept it up over the years.

I can't speak for all women. But many of the sisters that I know that are going along with the foolishness from these brothers are sisters that don't have their fathers in their lives. Many of the sisters that are having babies by multiple men are the sisters that have had no fatherly imput.

It's funny... The paper I'm writing this morning is about African American fathers and their daughters...

The problem with the digital devide is quite serious. I would have to agree that many of the people that need to read this blog do not have access to computers and the internet. But that access is increasing. More and more sisters and brothers are finding their way to the world wide web. Field, don't stop writing. Your message is getting out. Somebody might run across this entry 2 years from now. It might be what they need to hear that very minute.

Angie

Angela L. Braden said...

I'm so sorry about the spelling errors. I posted without spellchecking. It was an accident. Angie

ChasingMoksha said...

Men do not just walk along and fall into the pussy. Your attempt at avoiding a gender battle is discouraging because from the giddy up there was no battle because your wording and many of the comments here (apart from Mark’s, he seems to be taking a neutral ground) are placing most, if not all of the responsibility onto the woman. In a round about way, it is insulting men, black men (since they are whom we are specifically focusing on here). It is implying that black men simply cannot control themselves and if women do not keep them in check then society’s woes will be their (the women’s) fault because she could not control his what? Animal instincts? His reckless and irresponsible behavior? His unbridle lust? What metaphor and images do an uncontrollable animal conjure up, hence, what justification does that image deduce by arguments such as this one, give to people who are looking for justification to demonize black men? Why instead of loving your sisters and understanding that she has been duped and conditioned by the same media messages, the same patriarchal ideology, “I am a good woman so I can change him” you (the collective) call it for what it is, structural oppression, hierarchal shitting on, hierarchal blame, ---mimicry. A stance in the white man’s world toward minorities can be and often is by some, “If only those minorities would be responsible,” yet, here the same is unfolding “If only those [black] women would be responsible.”

Anonymous said...

well said chasingmoksha.

-elizabeth

field said...

justmewriting,and dc_speaks, thanks for sharing your own personal experiences and for raising black boys to be men.

Some serious issues have been raised about the deeper reasons for some of these apparent pathologies (the posts by denise and angie comes to mind)that quite frankly, that would be not only an entirely different post, but a whole new blog as well. The problems run long and deep. I was dealing with the problem on a more superficial level in my post, but from my obervation deck of life; this problem is one that we can at least try to cure with our own behavior.

"...hence, what justification does that image deduce by arguments such as this one, give to people who are looking for justification to demonize black men? Why instead of loving your sisters and understanding that she has been duped and conditioned by the same media messages, the same patriarchal ideology, “I am a good woman so I can change him” you (the collective) call it for what it is, structural oppression, hierarchal shitting on, hierarchal blame, ---mimicry. A stance in the white man’s world toward minorities can be and often is by some..."

chasingmoksha, sometimes a spade is just a f*****g spade! We can't explain away all of our problems to societal pathologies. I agree with you that we are given all types of negative messages from society as a whole, and there is alot of blame to be thrown their way. (trust me, no one calls the majority population on their bull sh** more than I do)

I don't want to sound like the "Cos"... but come on, at some point we have to wake the hell up and say enough! Especially when it comes to doing dumb stuff that effects our children.

Sorry I can't expound as much as I want to right about now. I will try to get deeper into it later.

mark said...

" chasingmoksha, sometimes a spade is just a f*****g spade! We can't explain away all of our problems to societal pathologies."

mark bey: This is what I keep saying either black folk do whatever we need to do to change our behavior or we continue to die. Eithre we change our behavior or black men will continue to have the lowest life expectancy in the country.

Either black people, our leadership and the churches start to be honest and come up with a plan or we will continue to go thruough this non sense.

If the black church wont preach and jump up and down about black people practicing safe sex the way they did against homosexuality when everyone in america (inlcuding black people) know that the OVERWHELMING MAJORITY of americans do not wait until marraige to have sex.

If black americans will not step up to the plate and force our leadership to lead responsibly then get used to what the field blogged about in this post,

If black americans for the sake of black children wont demand that preachers take a position on aids and announced that no person in the black community should be having unprotected sex if they arent married then in my oppinion as a group of individuals black people have failed.

Until the black citizens force their leaders to lead and give thoughtful and useful advice folks by some popcorn and watch us suffer becuause it will continue to happen.

Field is right enough is enough I fully understand that some folks blame white supremacy for all of our problems but the white supremacy argument is one I have heard for the last 20 years.

Simply saying that white supremacy is the cause of all of our problem does absolutely not a f#cking thing to stop or decrease our suffering.

To stop the suffering of black people we are going to have to change our behavior regardless of what supremacy working against us.


We have to make better choices with our lives for the sake of black children and people. Sorry for the long post

Anonymous said...

Field - i'm an avid reader and i love what you have to say but i have to say i'm a bit surprised on this point...

"but from my obervation deck of life; this problem is one that we can at least try to cure with our own behavior."

...but from your "observation deck," "WE" is WOMEN (other. not you.) who YOU would like to see close their legs, no?

...did you not already affirm that these women are not raving idiots. i assume they are also not child-haters. I doubt they would prefer to have this drama by conscious choice. (hmm, yeah i'll hook up with this dude, because then when he doesn't pay child support, as he clearly won't, shit will be great.)


...!...does this not strike you as mildly problematic? i think the analogy chasingmoksha pointed out is valid...

and it's a mistake, in my view, to claim that recognizing the societal pathology at work is in some way being an apologetic for individual women who participate/cooperate in making this situation occur... and it is not in some way excusing behavior that affects our children ...

i'm a firm believer in personal responsibility...but do you think someone's really going to stop and be like "oh shit, it IS dumb for me to be giving it up to a guy who doesn't support his OTHER kids. i never thought of that!"...

more likely a woman in this situation will change her behavior when she addresses the issues underlying this behavior...becomes aware of her behavior/pattern and starts to become conscious of why she allows such a situation to occur...and those are the deeper issues that i think are revealed by looking at the conditioning/treatment/etc. women receive...

just my thoughts...

-elizabeth

mark said...

" and it's a mistake, in my view, to claim that recognizing the societal pathology at work is in some way being an apologetic for individual women who participate/cooperate in making this situation occur... and"

mark bey: Elizabeth we have been recognizing the abuses of the system for a long time.

Lets say you are 100% correct what do we do about it to bring relief into the lives of black people.

White supremacy has been in this country since we have been in this country WHAT ARE BLACK PEOPLE GOING TO DO STOP WHATS GOING ON THAT IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE MY QUESTION TO THE FOLKS WHO CLAIM THAT IT IS WHITE SUPREMACY THAT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL OF OUR WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

ChasingMoksha said...

I do not agree with you Mark when you say “we” have been recognizing the abuses...a small segment of the population have been recognizing the abuses, not the collective “we.” I do however agree with the your personal responsibility stance, however, it makes me nervous because that stance is often exploited as in when something goes a foul from a societal oppression stance the oppressors point the “personal responsibility” finger and successfully get off the hook.

Field, I think what is unfolding here, and what Elizabeth is hitting home, is that you perhaps meant the “we” in this entry but your words do in fact say the she. This type of language is divisive, hurtful, unfairly assigns most of the blame and leads to counter production.

mark said...

" I do not agree with you Mark when you say “we” have been recognizing the abuses...a small segment of the population have been recognizing the abuses"

mark bey: If you want to look at it that way it has always been the minority who stood up and challenged the system.

The reasoning for the all of our problems that you and elizabeth harp on (the system) is the same reasoning I heard when I was in college 17 years ago.

I have not seen any real change in how black people treat each other or our circumstance.

So ChasingMoksha my question to you and everybody else is this, since you know that white supremacy is causing our people great harm in fact its been causing us harm as long as I have been living. And as long as I have been living I have heard black folk expressed the sentiment that system is against us all my life.

System we all know that the system is harming us someone please tell me what we are going to do abou.

Cries of the system and racism are not enough. Those cries will not save a single black man slaughtered in the streets. What are we going to do other than blame racism about the problems plaguing the black community.

Simpy blamming racism will do nothing what are we going to do.

It was not the masses of people who were protesting during the civil rights era or the black power area it was a small dedicated corp of warriors.

When I use to protest along with others during my first year of college it was not the majority of students out thier protesting.

Anonymous said...

i don't think i can put forth a coherent response right now which is frustrating but what i think needs to be done...people are doing, and will continue to do..and it's not a slap-on-a-solution type of deal (which i know you know)...but it's that lifetime-committment-to-the-work type of solution...

and it's not pretty, and it's not obvious, and it's not direct. it's not something simple like - "teach people to make appropriate sexual decisions" its something much more amorphous...but still very real and tangible...putting in place our OWN systems of support for, in this example, women...

systems that treat the whole and not just the symptom...if we look at a trend in behaviors as sick behaviors, you can't simply cut off the behavior, they come from a person sick off of what society has been feeding them. And they gotta do their part to get well, but if we care to help, we can provide support to create an environment most conducive to them empowering themselves to self-determination. and if we think it is all their responsibility, then we should shut our faces and mind our business and let them do what we think they should do if we have no part in it.

so what does this mean tangibly? ugh. i hate to hesitate, presuming this is going to be hit with a shitstorm of "that sounds nice and all..." but it really is about taking whatever spaces within existing socializing institutions (and creating our own)...and use them to FEED women not just positive images and role models but really connect kids with outlets to express themselves...(and people are doing this work in schools in after school programs, in organizations and collectivities, etc...)

(hell with images of women we are barraged by incessantly, is it any wonder many women are not fully aware of all they can do and be and all the options fully available to them as humans? when we look like animals and sex objects and worse? we might know on a surface level looking at some image that it's bullshit but the shit still gets internalized in one way or another, you can't escape it in this society)

and humans are humans, we want love, connection, relationship. and we find messed up ways trying to get it sometimes. so we have to understand ourselves and identify what we REALLY want, and distinguish that from our attempt to GET that (which hasn't succeeded) and then with that awareness, attempt to find new healthier tools to seek the happiness and love and shit that we want).

i think everyone needs tools, practice, and guidance...but what kind of guidance are we getting? what kind of tools are we using?

...creativity and expression are one sign of a healthy individual/ with self-esteem- if someone can be creating/expressing/releasing in whatever form, and they have self-esteem, and increasing consciousness of themselves and their behaviors, they will not be making decisions that look like the one's we are talking about ...im not just talking about some hippy dippy art and rainbows and sprinkles and shit though artistic/writing outlets are an example ...but i mean anything - sports/academics/professionally/artistically..basically physically/emotionally/mentally/etc...

ok i think nawal el saadawi says it better than me and this is a pretty hot article ...

"To overcome fear we need power, political power and power of knowledge...

The self is related to the individual entity, but it is not an individual enitity cut off from history, or form its social, political, economic and cultural circumstances. The self is not a fixed jacket. It changes with time, place and environment. There is always a conflict between the self and political and religious powers.

The self is creative by nature and fights to be outstanding, to be independent, to live and create not to be swallowed up or devoured by others, in the family or the tribe or the state.

Creativity is the ability to be your self-inspite of all pressures. It is also the ability to stand up for yourself and look at your self in relation to others. The relationship between the self and the other can be creative or destructive, according to whether the relation is built on equality and freedom or inequality exploitation and oppression."

http://www.nawalsaadawi.net/articlesby/mental_health.htm

sorry for the length, i od
-Elizabeth

credo said...

I would like to see more war funding go towards children who have a single parent raising. Maybe some type of tax credit, some type of matched funding into an account for both short term and long term goals. Those who work would receive more funding as an incentive.

Mine you this is redirected funding from military funding. I would like to see some type of housing program that matched single mothers for home ownership.

Perhpas this would reduce the number of mama daddy whatever it is drama.

Some of these children show up in school unprepared. Scanning for signs of abuse, rejection or a moment to be notice.

Let's see did I say anything about sex education by parents and condoms supplied by parents.

Women.

Guess who is bringing home those babies. Birth Control spoon feed them until the child is able to do it on their own. Sorry, I went there.

Forgive me Women.

Parenting is a hard task but when you bring someone in the world you have a responsibility to the person.


And going to court to enforce child support should be simply an exchange of paper. He earns, she earns and the child gets..judge check the guideline and sign the order.

Let's see Men. Let's see I have a grandson. He don't have a baby yet because it is not an option. Handy your business and not letting the sista take care of it.

So, you can't raise folks after they are grown. So, I don't have nothing to say about the men.

Men.

I'll let you talk about reducing the number of babies that are born to parents who have no plans on ever marrying or sharing that responsibility.

I hate seeing those brothas losing their jobs and getting put in jails for not handling their business (that's in the pants).

But it's the child who suffers. So I want us all to just get the hell along..

This is a scary post.

The Christian Progressive Liberal said...

Field, my pastor put it this way:

"A man can't ho if he has nothing to hump."

It's easier to blame the brothers than to look at the fact sistas enabled that crap. Blame on both sides.

If you don't want babies, wear a friggin' condom (brothas, shut up with the "Why should I wear a raincoat in the shower?") BS.

My answer was always, "Protect me or get the hell out of my house."

More sistas need to say that, or something like "I don't want you planting your seed, so cover it up with the raincoat, bruh."

And there's nothing worse than a sista with four or five kids and all of them have different fathers. Not to say that crap happens because it does; but after the second time, looks like girlfriend, you should take my dollar and buy yourself a damned clue!

Finally, I pay taxes in this bastard because if I don't, I'm going to jail. Nothing makes me angrier than having to sit in the nail shop, budgeting between getting a fill and/or pedicure, and having to frugally spend what I bust my ass on a 9-to-5 everday, while I'm sitting next to Miz Ghetto-Fabulous bragging about all the child support she's getting, while taking the Feds for a grip as well, because Section 8 allows her to be in said nail shop with me and get the full works (nails, feet and facial waxing, while wrapping that good weave, cause she's hitting Club Zanzibar or H20 later that night and hopes her mom is around to babysit, if not going to the club with her!

Sorry, I don't sound very Christian like, but damn, people, own your mess and stop hanging the whole damn race with it, while we who are hard-working, productive members of the community are expected to not only clean your shit, but apologize for your low-expectation having asses as well!

BTW, when will the media start referring to Christie Brinkley as a "baby mama", cause that heifer has three kids and had them with three different men; but she hangs in the Hamptons and that makes it any more acceptable?

field said...

...but from your "observation deck," "WE" is WOMEN (other. not you.) who YOU would like to see close their legs, no?

YES!!

Elizabeth, your comments were brilliant (a post in of itself if you ask me)and it wasn't long enough. But I must say that some of your issues with me smacks of...how do I say this without it sounding wrong...oh "F" it. I will say it; sexism. I mean why would you assume that men have more power over their primal compulsions than women?

I refuse to play that game. Sisters have to take responsibility for this tango as well. I know that the perception is that they (Women) are the weaker sex, and that we (Men) always take advantage of whatever sexual situation we are in. But ask any brother posting here who is really in control in that situation. I think the answer wil surprise you.

Part of my probolem with this debate is that I can't approach it from a totally detached and standpoint,becasue without getting into what I do, let's just say that I am intimately familiar with this subject. When you see 27 year old grand mothers, or women with six kids by five different men before they hit thirty,it changes your perspective and tends to frustrate you on a purely professional level.

But I am loving the debate,(warts and all) and I think we can all agree that it was well needed.

dc_speaks said...

It was definitely needed...thanks for allowing your blog to be the forum, field.

thinking girl said...

Hi Field,

I can't get into it too much right now for lack of time, but I'm an avid reader here (though this might just be my first comment!), but gender is my game, and I'm with chaskingmoksha here. You're putting a lot of the blame onto the women here and little onto the men involved. I'm allllll for personal responsibility, but shouldn't that be a two-way street? Where's the call for the brothers to wrap it up? Where's the call for the brothers to pay their damn child support? Where's the call for the brothers to THINK with the head ontop of their damn neck about WHO they are sleeping with?

Here's mine:

I'm always a bit amazed at men who don't consider for a half-second that THEY DON'T HAVE THE FINAL SAY over whether or not a woman has his baby!!!!! MEN, YOU DON'T HAVE THE FINAL SAY!!!!! doesn't that mean you should choose wisely????? Doesn't that mean you should do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to avoid getting a woman pregnant in the first damn place (and no I don't mean "pulling out" and I don't mean "making sure SHE is on the pill")? Meaning, WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM!!! Meaning, if you don't want kids, GET A DAMN VASECTOMY!!!! take some goddamn RESPONSIBILITY!!!!

So, I don't really have much problem with what you said to the ladies here - I agree, women need to be responsible about who they sleep with, for sure. BUT I do have a problem with the one-sidedness of this post.

For the record, since you've not (I presume) had sex with a man before, let me tell you, getting a man to wear a condom is like pulling fucking teeth. most of y'all will pull out every trick in the damn book and practically cry if you're told you have to wear a condom. it's pathetic!

field negro said...

"And before we make this a gender battle, let me say right now for the record: As a man I am ashamed of some of these trifling ass brothers out here having multiple children with different women and not handling their responsibilities as fathers.."

thanks for jumping in thinkinggirl, but you are forgetting the above part of my post.

OF COURSE men should take responsibility, it's a two way steet. I said that! But I think the focus (especially when it comes to child support) is always on the "dead beat" man, and not how we got to that point in the first place.

rikyrah said...

FN, could you do something on the Philadelphia Mayor's race? Explain the landscape and what's going on?

rikyrah said...

"And before we make this a gender battle, let me say right now for the record: As a man I am ashamed of some of these trifling ass brothers out here having multiple children with different women and not handling their responsibilities as fathers.."

I never thought this was a gender battle. I thought it was obvious that FN has no love for men who don't do right by their children.

But, I think, we as a community, have stopped telling the truth to women.

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE KID.

It may not be fair, but the responsibility always is placed with the woman. Tequan, Lebron, Leroy, Jimmy can be gone never to be heard from again 1 minute after conception...and, the result will be a woman's responsibility.

Somewhere along the line, as a community, we forgot this bit of common sense, and lied to these women.

While I wish the lawyers well in trying to find every Tom, Dick and Hakim....

Until the check gets there, it's the woman who is responsible for the child 24/7.

WOMEN have the control over their bodies. And, with that control, also comes the control and ability to NOT have a baby, and I don't mean abortion. I mean using contraception. I mean not sleeping with a man you met last week. I mean, in this day of HIV/AIDS with Black Women being the face of HIV, it's Russian ROulette with your life to be sleeping with a man without a condom.

Sisters, we have to SAVE OURSELVES!

rikyrah said...

BTW, when will the media start referring to Christie Brinkley as a "baby mama", cause that heifer has three kids and had them with three different men; but she hangs in the Hamptons and that makes it any more acceptable?

No. She got 3 wedding rings out of the deal. She's an Ex-WIFE, not a Baby Mama. She got all the legal goodies to go along with the kids.

Some folks say ' it's just a piece of paper'....

Keep telling yourself that. It's a legal contract, and there's a whole lot of benefits from it.

Anonymous said...

rikyrah, you better preach! I was just about to say everything you said. But now I don't have to. But I will piggyback.

For anyone that thinks that I just want to come down on sisters... I also believe that brothers need to be more responsible. Believe me, I ain't letting nobody off the hook. But I still say that sisters need to consider all the possible ramifications of hopping in the bed with all these different men. I say that because sisters are often the one having to go through the ish after the baby is here.

One of my younger sisters had a very premature little baby a few years ago. What I saw at the NICU at Texas Children's Hospital was horrifying. The little hispanic babies had both parents there. The little white babies had both of their parents there. But the little black babies... Sadly, their mamas and grandmamas was often the only one there for the little baby.

I was actually embarrassed that our brothers weren't there for their kids. I was also sickened by the fact that we (black women) were the only ones up their without husbands. That's utter nonsense.

What I saw at TCH supported my point that sisters have to think before they hand over the panties. Because when the crap goes down, sisters are often having to go through the rain, snow, fire, tornado, flood, and everything else by themselves. Well, that's not true. Granny is often there. (Sadly, stats show that black grandmothers have to stand in more than any other race of grandmothers.)

I'm down for calling stuff for what it is. Yes, the institution of racism has perpetuated a great deal of what we are seeing today. But we must stand up and do whatever it takes to protect the health and stability of the black family. yes, master is responsible for most of our problems... But we can't leave it up to master to correct our problems. We got the power to make responsible decisions to change our destinies.
Angie

Bygbaby said...

In my best Florida Evan's voice "DAMN, DAMN, DAMN"!

On related note, sis you hear about the Ricky Lackey case?

6 baby mammas all pregnant at the same time? I did a post on it a few months ago & here is a link:

http://tinyurl.com/2xtp5v

Peace,
Bygbaby

I am not Star Jones said...

It had to be said... but I wonder if anyone who needs to hear it will actually listen...

But, Field, you said it perfectly.

As a collective, rampant sexuality without accountability is not working for African Americans.

Knowing this, I've made a personal choice to not fall onto an unsheathed penis at the drop of a Fiddy song or the purchase of some wings at the local Chinese joint.

True, not everyone has that option but after child 2, 3, 4, 5...something has got to give.

It may not feel good but if we, as black women, choose to have higher standards for our partners, maybe
a change will come.

It may be a lonely reality and it may require a vibrator every night of the week but
at least there will be dignity and no days spent in court haranguing a stranger to get the father of your child to actually give a damn.

I am not Star Jones said...

off topic...

Al Sharpton!

from yesterday's NY Daily News:

The Rev. Al Sharpton last week staged rallies calling on record labels to ban offensive rap lyrics. But that hasn't stopped Sharpton from asking those same labels to contribute $5,000 each to a May 18 fund-raiser at Gin Lane for the family of police-shooting victim Sean Bell. Sneers one record exec: "Can you say ‘hypocrite'?" Sharpton tells us: "I guess they'll only support our community projects if we keep our mouths shut. Well, they can keep their money." The Rev also sees no problem in his recent partying in Vegas with Jay-Z, Busta Rhymes and other hip-hoppers: "It shows my courage in standing up to my friends." Sharpton says he'll bring his crusade to the rappers' Hamptons summer homes. "I'll be sure to wear my white suit, so I don't violate the dress code."

Who does this kind of wacky stuff?
Damn, Al.
Damn.

mark said...

"As a collective, rampant sexuality without accountability is not working for African Americans. "

mark bey: Amen no black person has any business having unprotected sex outside of marraige. Like IANSJ said what we are doing is not working for us.

I think it is time for the black church to began advising black people to practice safe sex, test for aids and treat those who have it with free medication. After all over 92% of the american population has had sex before marraige.

Its time for the black church to show leadership on the aids issue but also other issues as well

Anonymous said...

All I can say is "excellent post!"

thinking girl said...

Hey Field,

nope, I didn't forget that part of your post. I just was confused as to why so much of the emphasis in this post was put on the women involved and not on the men, when it takes two to tango. One line compared to a diatribe, though. I'm tired of hearing what black women are doing wrong, tired of the "welfare mother" script that's so hurtful.

AND, I also think it's important to note that the reason many of y'all are citing as the reason to go after the sisters here (because they are the ones who get stuck with the responsibility of caring for those kids once they're here) - THAT IS A GENDER ISSUE. Which is why a gender analysis is necessary here. "It's not fair, but it's true" - that isn't good enough.

the comments here re: black men (all men) need to wrap it up - well put. There's a reason why black women are the majority of new HIV cases in the US.

Hathor said...

But I still say that sisters need to consider all the possible ramifications of hopping in the bed with all these different men.

I think this is where we begin to place the wrong emphasis. It may take only one time to get pregnant or contract a STD or HIV. Promiscuity is not the issue.

-=Topper=- said...

First off, I read the post and looked at the number of comments, "42?" I thought, "comment on what?", I thought. As usual field nails a problem.

I think Field played this one well. Very centered in my oppinion anyway.

But in my world of crackerdom some of the issues are the same. Most of the hunt in the clubs is getting in the pants.

A couple of funnies...

First off we have myspace, which at present is being inundated with chicks. Now I blogged there about these chicks and how I reject them because I don't have a chance in hell with them anyway, but what is really funny is the guys that think they do.

They actauly respond and leave comments and in the process look like fools. It's a guy thing I swear and it doesn't have a color boundary, they just want to get in pants. Dumb and Dumber holding on to that one in a million chance.

Maybe now with me its an age thing, the getting into the pants aint all that no more. I've been succesfully abstinent for ten years. It helps though that I ain't tall dark and stupid. Just short ugly and thoughtful.

Sexual relations amongst humans is a psychological study in itself, and in this area I have seen people do some very strange things. Like becoming the desire the man already has in his wife. She changed her look to reflect his wife. Go fig, I couldn't. Not when there were single men on the scene.

On the other end of the dead beat dad was "squirt". An African American that fathered many a child. What'd he tell me 17? The amazing thing about Squirt was that he was a Father and provider as much as he could be to all of them, until cancer took his life at 47.

Anyway field wrote a good one here. I think he leveled it out as a two way street quite well. And awareness of what you're getting into even before sex.

Some people are desporate for sex, but it shouldn't be a desporate act. I think it needs more time and consideration than it is given.

Typo's are mine (c) -=topper=-

Christopher Chambers said...

Depro provera. Only way to be sure. Sick and mean? Yep. But field you are preaching to the choir on this blog. Out there on the street, be it Philly or the Dirty South or on a base in Iraq, the word's not getting to the masses of color...

RavenRavings said...

Apparently my prior post got lost. I think FN is misrepresenting himself, paying just lip service to gender balance. I don't know what but gender bias could have FN hear of a story of a man with 5 pending child support suits and first think, "what a stupid woman"--not "what a stupid man."

I think it would be only natural to--and in indeed, this is what I--think when I hear of such men one who will suffer disabilities for rest of their lives--now that the cases have hit the court system--and if they staggered their seed placement correctly--because of these multiple suits. This is exactly what I think when This is what I think when I hear of the circumstances of Holyfield, Shawn Kemp, Scottie Pippen. How stupid! These men should now be living the easy life. Instead, in the words of Kanye West, "their baby car crib is bigger than his." Apparently both Holyfield and Pippen are have to go back to work to cover their obligations-- children in bunches by several different women. Poorer men with multiple outstanding cases are idiots too. They either will never be able to work above the table in legitimate jobs for thhe rest of their lives--if their children are staggered properly. If they do work a legitmate job, they must live in their mama's basement--or off some nagging woman--becuase they can barely afford to live even though they work a full week. They also are periodically jailed (See, Bobby Brown) and--in my state--can't even renew their driver's license--and drive legally. They must bus it or dodge cops--for kid of a woman they barely even know.

Hee Hee, Ha Ha. Do people finding this funny? I love it.

Also, because these serial studs rarely live up to their obligations and begin to resent their own children, they aren't invvolved fathers and essentially cultivate a group of people--their children and baby's mothers--who just hate these men What horrible karma! (See, the resentment of Bobby Brown in the eyes of his eldest daughter, for example. See, the bewildered hurt and stupid look in the eyes of Floyd Mayweather, Sr. as he looks on from a seat his own son wouldn't provide him.)

(Tooo often the suffering of men because of male oppression is never told--like the way whites suffer because of the racial oppression.)

The woman--on the other hand--may not be as silly as what is being presumed. A woman can't always know a serial stud. Serial studs don't always advertize themselves. Certainly, they don't walk around with their kids in tow. They aren't usually flipping out their photo album of their gaggle before they hit it and plan to quit it. Let's be real, the serial studs don't always know whom they have fathered until child support collection come a knocking.

Also, it only make sense that a man with a good enough rap to get one woman would have the juice to get a second. This happens to in many parts of the animal kingdom as well. There are alpha males. It is not just beause women are stupid. Too many lame and inadequate men.

This makes my third point: Some of this is just biology. During a period of a woman's life she is essentially in heat and desires to procreate. Black men don't want to or can't usefully marry black women. But these women want--maybe, even need to have children--and they have to have them during a certain window. What thn are they to do? Have a child and secure the necessary sustenance for their child. Like all females--humans and animals.

Lastly, I think it quite ridiculous of FN's friend--a childd support collector--to regularly mock his client base. Their misery is basis of his employment. He would be better off caring more, yucking it up less, and redoubling his efforts to find even the little bit of money the deadbeat dads have--and are not transferring to their children.


(Now, really finally--how can a self-proclaim Libertarian not lead with a concern over the infliction of cost of child support and the childd support recapture system on folkds other than the parents. This is what dead beat dads do. They are externalizing their responsibilities.)

field said...

I don't know what but gender bias could have FN hear of a story of a man with 5 pending child support suits and first think, "what a stupid woman"--not "what a stupid man."

It's not gender bias, it's frustration. That she had the nerve to be chastising the court system for not collecting child support from a man SHE chose to lay down with. The man (The Obligor) wasn't in court screaming at the ADA; she was!

"Now, really finally--how can a self-proclaim Libertarian not lead with a concern over the infliction of cost of child support and the childd support recapture system on folkds other than the parents. This is what dead beat dads do. They are externalizing their responsibilities.)"

Because as this self proclaimed Libertarian said at the start of his post: It only becomes my concern what they do when it starts effecting ME, and not the two consenting adults who originally participated in the act in the first plce.

So this "self-proclaimed Libertarian" IS concerned about the costs and strain that this causes on the system. It was the entire basis for my post.

ravenravings said...

FN,

I will concede kinda true about your last comments though I don't understand why it is that you don't appreciate that the woman's efforts to get your friend to lunch less and work more is that which will assure that the rest of us won't bear expenses for "their" child--and insure that responsible parties internalize their personal costs. A good Libertarian might celebrate--rather than scorn--the mother's efforts who is essentially doing our bidding.

The Christian Progressive Liberal said...

OT, Field, but something you should know:

Another candidate for House Negro, view it here:

http://blogs.abcnews.com/theblotter/2007/05/federal_watchdo.html

The House Negro's name is Johnnie Frazier and he's an Inspector General appointed to the job by Bush Cartel, in exchange for making sure that one of his duties in the Commerce Department was to get other Field Negroes fired from their jobs if they weren't drinking from the same kool-aid keg as everyone else in GeeShrubya-land.

west coast story said...

I haven't read the whole thread yet (I will, it's a very interesting topic, great diversity of thought here) but I must say it is very sad to see the burden placed on women for this issue. Why are we letting men off the hook for this? Jesse Jackson had a child with another woman while still married to his wife and we've just decided to pretend it didn't happen. This is the same guy who previously lectured young people about unwed parents, etc.

The Rand Corp did a study that showed 70% of babies born to single mothers grew up in poverty. We can assume that it is higher for black babies. I hate to sound like a telethon testimonial but this is about the children who are abandoned and who grow up without dads. We need to educate women, indeed, but we need to educate black men instead of letting them off the hook and acting like men will be men.

About why the church doesn't assume leadership in this area: My guess is that the church doesn't want to be seen as encouraging sex outside of marriage so they don't say anything. This is the exact reason why AIDS has exploded in the black community. Some local churches here have taken leadership roles, but generally black churches just don't want to deal with it.

I also think that unwed motherhood is a touchy subject in the black community because so many black women are single mothers, some of them successful professionals. I think there is some defensiveness about this topic overall.

As for why "nice" girls have babies without husbands, based on the examples I've seen in my family it was pure, stupid, rebellion from rather spoiled girls who thought they were teaching their families a lesson when in fact they were screwing up their lives.

It used to be that being a teen mother was something to be ashamed of. Now it is a status symbol. People shouldn't be humiliated for having babies out of wedlock but it seems that protecting someone's self esteem by keeping silent or even celebrating self destructive behavior is irresponsible.

jameil1922 said...

i'm with west coast. there were two people in that bed. just like she should be well-aware of his 3 or 5 or 11 children he's not supporting, even monetarily, he, too should think about not adding another mouth. he's just as responsible OR MORE for the mother having to go to the court to feed her children. they wouldn't be there if he would bring forth the money. neither of them would be there if they would bother to wear a condom. don't want kids no one wants to pay for? also like HIV/AIDS/herpes/syphilis/chlamydia/trich/genital warts/crabs-free life? THINK and grab a condom.

Hathor said...

It used to be that being a teen mother was something to be ashamed of.
I don't remember that preventing pregnancies, when I was young. I think it was more the families shame. Elaborate stories would be put forth. I also remember the peer pressure to have sex in junior high, this was fifty years ago. There were also too many pregnancies in 14 year olds. The only accessible birth control was the condom and then it was considered interfering with the male passion. Nothing has changed in fifty years, except now unprotected sex could lead to death.
Ignorance leads to stupidity, at that time nothing was talked about, no sex ed, no mechanics or biology. I had never had a gynecologist talk to me either and when I wanted to take the pill, I was never offered any non-hormonal alternative. That is something I would eventually need as an older woman where there were more risk factors that precluded the pill. You have to be knowledgeable to ask questions.

I am not saying more knowledge is the complete answer, but I think it would have helped in my youth. Living in the bible belt, after a woman first child, if she were on welfare, she could get no recommendation to go to Planned Parenthood, any information from the state or the state to pay for any type birth control. I realize that some of this has changed, but somehow the poor still have to be more moral than the white middle class who had designed the system.

It always seemed to me that whites acted on the fact we would never question their policies, because we might seem to have less morality than them. We need to get over trying to advanced the race in their domain. I have grown up, hearing that back up noise of don't do this because this will disparage the race. We need only to consider ourselves.

west coast story said...

I remember when girls had to go away to homes for unwed mothers to have their babies. It was an embarrassment for them and for the families. This was the 1950's. If you didn't get shipped off to a home, you had a shotgun marriage.

bARABie said...

"As long as everyone involved is a consenting adult, I really could care less what you do in the privacy of your own home. Want to sleep with women, cool with me. Want to sleep with men, cool with me. Want to sleep with your pet rabbit or your German Shepard; I really don't give a f**k."

FN i fail to see how you classify a "pet rabbit" or a "German Shepard" as "consenting adult(s)", i mean i always thought of my dog as human but not to this degree. :)

bARABie said...

Not to mention FN that having sex with animals is illegal, at least in OZ, plus the animal cruelty factor.
Maybe you should care about people sleeping with animals, i wouldn't want my local farmer bonking the cows before he "milks" them (don't mind the pun).

field said...

ok barabie, maybe I will draw a line with the animals :) But I really just wanted to make a point about individual rights and privacy.

west coast story said...

One more thing I wanted to add if anyone is still reading this is that sexual promiscuity can be a byproduct of sexual abuse early in life. Women should be primarily engaged in not getting pregnant since it is their body. But there are other issues that affect a young, or older woman's, judgement.

It is really brutal to hold these women up to complete scorn without assigning some responsibility to males. All these boys who grow up without fathers perpetuate a lifestyle that does't encourge young men to be real fathers to their children.

Lola Gets said...

I completely agree. At the Million Man March, Farakhan said that he was "Pro-Choice." Meaning that he was all for women being PRO-active in choosing worthy fathers for their future children. We women do need to be more discriminating when it comes to the men we procreate with. I know I am.
L

Anonymous said...

I just came across this site and I guess I wanted to speak my piece. I am a 31 year old, college educated black woman, and yet I am a newly "crowned" single mother. Many would call me a baby mama, I guess it is what it is. I am not looking for sympathy, I guess I just wanted a place to vent. I was in what I thought was a good relationship with a young man. He had no children. There is no excuse for me stepping out of character and falling prey to the pull out method. All I can say is that I trusted him totally. I thought with my naive heart. I thought that we were something special. But later I found out that there was no we officially. I got pregnant and decided to keep the baby. Throughout the pregnancy he stuck around but not more than 2 months after I had our son I found out that I was not the only woman. I felt stupid and betrayed. I was under the impression that he was man enough to at least want to provide for his son but I was wrong. He began to insult me and eventually threatened my life for "getting in his business". I was floored because this was not the man that I'd spent a year and half of my life in a relationship with. I had noticed a change in his behavior on the day that I gave birth but dismissed it. I had not planned on moving in with him or marrying him because towards the end of my pregnancy I just didn't trust him. I can't explain it. It was something in his voice that made me feel that way. But somehow I let my own insecurities get the best of me. I don't regret having my son. He actually is the biggest blessing of all in my life. He inspires me and loves me unconditionally which is so beautiful. While I despise his father (right now- the wound is still fresh) I'm not the type of woman that typifies the negative stereotype of single black mothers as a welfare queen. I am a public school teacher who has always managed to stand on my own two feet. But through all of this I couldn't help but to wonder Why is it that single black moms are called babymamas and single white moms are simply known as single mothers?
-AG

Nathalia said...

It’s the state of self esteem of a people...woman looking for affection. But there seems to be a pool of boys dressed as men and it gets confusing. The media has a lot to do on with how woman should please their men and so little talk about how men should please their woman. This is important because it creates this unbalance perception in the minds of young/old boys and girls. Where men desires (due to their higher testosterone levels makes their initial/primary concentration of a relationship about sex) become more valued than woman’s desire ( woman being naturally softer due to fluctuating hormonal cycles of estrogens, think more toward “love and relationship and how to achieve that in the long run). Maybe these women thought if the pleased the man in the way they wanted the man would marry them. In fact i believe that most of them are rational maybe their baby daddy was a professional liar or a master of persuasion or just withheld the truth from them until they found out the girl was pregnant. Regarding the latter scenario what woman would have an abortion because she finds out he has other kids? It might be a reason but is it sufficient to proceed? About the woman I wonder if they think/feel that what they see is all there’s out there so they let their standards fall a little bit? I think self esteem derives itself partly from what people tell you (whether you believe it or not) and images are powerful in showing a person what they’re good for. For black woman those images are in grain in the fabric of American society. The only difference is that today it’s being exposed. I believe on the case of the black woman she has been spell caste and demoralize. First by history and the fabric of your America and then by the black man.
IT’S EASY TO BLAME THE MOTHER BUT IF IT WAS UP TO THE BLACK MAN TO TAKE HIS CONTRACEPTIVE REGULARLY I GARANTY YOU THE STATISTIC WOULD FLY THROUGH THE ROOF!! THE TRUTH IS BLACK MEN DON’T CARE/ HAVE NO RESPECT FOR BLACK WOMAN AS HUMANS AND EVEN MORE SO AS MOTHERS. BELEIVE ME, MEN WANT TO HAVE SEX BUT IF THEY DON’T WANT KIDS THEY’LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE SURE IT DOESN’T HAPPEN. BUT GUYS WHO HAVE SEX WITHOUT CONDOMS AND HAVE NO INTENTION TO COMMIT TO THE GIRL , DON’T CARE IF SHE (NOT “HE”) HAS A BABY AS IN HIS MIND SHE COULD ALWAYS GO SPREAD HER LEGS AND GET AN ABORTION JUST AS EASILY AS SHE HAD SEX... NO BIG DEAL . AFTER ALL SHE WAS JUST ANOTHER BABY MOMMA WAITING TO HAPPEN. I THINK PEOPLE ARE PLAYING BLAME THE VICTIM WITH SURVIVORS WHO ARE JUST TRYING TO GET SOME (NOT EVEN ALL) BUT AFRACTION OF THE JUSTICE THAT IS OWED TO THEM.

Nathalia

Nathalia said...

By the way as an Economist my only concern is truly about patterns, the root cause of societal deficiencies and its cost. Specially how they cost EVERYBODY not just myself. In fact I’m Canadian and American culture is seeping through, your media/BET, even American gang affiliation that has no purpose here are a result of American welfare policies, politics, prejudice and culture. I deem myself a true libertarian because i believe in freedom and also fight for those whose sovereignty has been withheld or taken from them... whether it affects me directly or not.

Anonymous said...

White supremacy has been in this country since we have been in this country WHAT ARE BLACK PEOPLE GOING TO DO STOP WHATS GOING ON THAT IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE MY QUESTION TO THE FOLKS WHO CLAIM THAT IT IS WHITE SUPREMACY THAT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL OF OUR WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

Um.

How about
BLACK MEN STOP PRESSURING BLACK WOMEN FOR SEX?

(You PRAISED one of your own above in the comments who said he ADMITTEDLY - and REPEATEDLY - lied to GET BOOTY. Hypocrisy not addressing multiple causes, much?)

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Anonymous said...

Well to start, your post makes sense. I made a terrible mistake twice. I watched both of my kids dad dog and mistreat their kids mothers and their kids. But I thought I was different. Long behold, it happened to me twice. I am raising two boys solely by myself. My mother helps me 100% and I love her. However, I have learned from my mistakes. Actually I have programed myself not to get involved to deep with a man ever.. That is how I feel. I was not that stupid though. I went back to school (De Paul University) got my degree and started my own business. My boys and I are always together having fun.. I am a soccer mom, football mom and basketball mom. I gave my life to my boys, they deserve and need me. The process is painful, but I try not to think about my mistakes because it hurts me. I try to keep my boys around positive role model since their fathers are not around. I must say this just because it feels right, does not make it right. Everybody, especially kids don't deserved to be dog.

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Anonymous said...

First of all I would like to say to all of the judgmental commenters on this blog... SHUT UP. Guess what people? I have 2 kids by 2 different deadbeat fathers and my first child, yes, I was sexually irresponsible. I OWN THAT. My second, who came 12 years later, I used a condom. Not exactly fail proof. Took a morning damn after pill! Not exactly fail proof either! I am a degreed professional who is well-known and respected in my field and at the TOP OF IT! I just love when holier than thou people (usually single black women with no children who have had multiple abortions) want to sit and say, "My mama told me that or this" or "I would never". Well my mama told me if I fall down to get the F back up, take care of my own, and not give A DAMN what anyone thinks. Single moms, stop trying to prove that u r not a lowlife in the eyes of others. Free yourselves from the guilt and shame that society has put on you and be proud of yourself that even though your child's father(s) left, U DIDN'T. People r so judgmental. I visited my aunt this past weekend, and she looked at me, like tsk, tsk. Look at the mess you've made of your life. All I thought was b*tch, u have never given me anything but 2 pieces of played-out black art! Give me a break! I take care of my own with very little help. Start placing more responsibility on these deadbeats who up and leave and contnue to spread their seed like wildfire. Until then... SHUT. UP.

Rachel Peterson said...

I by no means buy into the heavy guilt and shame trip that is put on single especially black mothers in and outside of our community! No ladies it is not OUR fault alone. Whatismore, we are so often expected to plY so many different roles and everyone including men, and those outside of our community can tell us how we are supposed to behave. They can justify being hard on us lol when we only hold up half of the burdens... Truth be told men are supposedly stronger so, if that were the case they should in fairness take more of the burden and carry more of the weight of the failure. Ladies reality is we are the ones who carry the children, we have been given the bigger burden, we must be stronger, and that has become our job. Not because it is us who are at fault alone but becAuse these men are seriously lacking in morals, in character, and in strength. To while much is given much is required. Our job is to usher these rays of hope into into the world and playfully raise a better brighter generation than the last with (preferably) or without. our men. Yes it please me off and sometimes it seems unfair but God knew we were better for the job it is in us. Ok the way the story goes is two idiots lay down and One ends up shouldering the burden of a child merely because she physically has to carry it and ends up stuck in a position where by men (though they have a distinct moral responsibility) can just run off if they please. Women, sisters no it,s no sin to be a fool so many of us are but the sin is remaining that way. We, like we have so often have to do, are called to not be led by our hearts and emotions because men are Lederer so often by their bodies. They just want sex not a child and while we may not intend to have the children we are biologically chosen to carry them (judging by these men out here for a good reason). Be careful many of these men were not raised with a sense of responsibility or even a heart for that matter. I am pregnant due to an unprotected encounter during a five month relationship..I have a baby daddy. Unfortunately he is very uninvolved but helpful (inciting this help is like pulling teeth) smh. he has no children. Hmmm the first thing out of his mouth was " it's not mine" funny. that's when all that ish he told me about caring for me loving me etc went right out the damn window. I thought to myself " I should not have trusted him" if the government helps me get child support (hopefully we don't have to go there) Great! If they don't it's not their fault it is his fault and yes mine too. He will be a axing bag at the end of the day, I will be an ex fool and my child will be loved and taken care of to the best of my ability... Now if the government can't help protect my child's rights to his support then they should look the other way if I go upside his trifling head just for my own closure lol