Sunday, June 17, 2007

This could have been my day too


it didn't bother me too much then, nothing did. I was young, self absorbed, and had a great future ahead of me. I was the "cock of the walk", on my way to a degree that would guarantee me a life time of employment, and my pick of women that could guarantee me a lifetime of companionship. Why tie myself down with the added responsibility of something as precious and as important as another human being?


So the choice was made. I was then and I still am pro choice, but that wasn't my choice to make. Had it been, I still don't know what I would have done. But she made it for me. She thought it was the right thing to do at the time. She was in school too, and she couldn't handle the pressure of motherhood, or the shame of letting down her family. (Or at least so she thought)


It's been years now, and I haven't heard from her in awhile. I always wonder what she is doing. Did the career work out? Is she someones wife, some lucky child's mother? I just want to ask her if she ever thinks about it like I do. I still don't have any children, and given my line of work, maybe it's best. The decisions I make are more objective, and they are not clouded by the emotional connections that fatherhood may bring. Still, it would have been nice. To have that responsibility, to give my parents the grandchild they never had, and to mold a young life into man or womanhood. It is the most important job that a human being can ever have, and I think I would have enjoyed the challenge.


It still might happen, but not for that child, and that is something that makes me sad too. I wonder if these father's out here realize how lucky they are. Sadly, when I look around it doesn't seem that way. They plant the seed and they move on, never bothering to look back or sharing the emotional commitment and the work that it takes to raise their child. In many ways you almost have to wish they did what I did. Because bringing a child into this environment without giving them all the tools they need, and the guidance and wisdom of fatherhood, is almost as bad as not bringing them here at all.

So happy Father's Day guys, I hope you appreciate it, I know I would have.

35 comments:

Larry said...

Nice post. Decisions in youth often come back to be some of our worst memories.

Anonymous said...

This was a very nice post. Very thoughtful and intelligent. But it was sad though... So sad... But it's sad experiences that have the stronger lessons contained in them. It seems like you have grown more wise about matter such as these.

I'm going to give my daddy a shot out on my blog, but I just wanted to do it right here real quick. I want the whole wide world to know that my father is no deadbeat dad. He is the greatest man I know. I wish I could find more words to describe him. But there are no words that can help me let you guys know how committed, loving, and consistent he is.

In a day and time that black father's are dodging the bullet, my father is taking bullets every single day for his girls. He puts up with a lot of crap, comes up with a lot of money, and listens to a lot of squabbles, just because he feels like that's what a good father does. They are there for their kids in the good times and the bad.

To be a father is challenging enough. But to be the father of a disabled child is really a task. And my father has stood up to that task and never turned his back on me.

(If I was a crybaby, I would probably shed a few emotional tears, thinking about how much I love and respect him. But since I'm not a cryer, I'll just smile.)

To all the brothas, Happy Father's Day! Don't make it a day, make it a year.

Angie

mark said...

"bringing a child into this environment without giving them all the tools they need, and the guidance and wisdom of fatherhood, is almost as bad as not bringing them here at all."

mark bey: I have been having a debate with christians over at my blog for about 2 weeks now.

The debate is over whether or not christians should demand that the preachers, advise from the pulpit that black unmarried folks use condoms to protect themselves.

Inspite of all of the disgusting negative statistics crippling the black community because of unprotected sex, aids, out of wedlock birth 67% of all black kids ect. Inspite of the fact that the christians commenting on my blog did not wait until marraige for sex, despite of the fact that the preachers dont wait until marraige to have sex this hypocrits still will not do something about the aids issue going around.

This is causing me to hate christianity more and more and more. Because black people are suffereing most christians did not wait until marraige to have sex but the still up this policy of abstinence that none have ever seen with our eyes.

By not preaching that unmarraid people use condomes if they having sex they are condeming thousands of black americans to death.


Pretty soon I am going to start calling black christians out on this issue.

Black americans must decrease the out of wedlock birthrate amongst us, we all know what is happening to black men growing up without fathers.

Using condoms is the best way to control uplanned children and the spread of aids.

Black christians who continue to propogate this fantasy of abstinance that they dont even follow are going to be judged very harshly by history for hypocrits.

fairlane said...

Great post.

I too went through what you describe, almost verbatim. It definitely changes your perspective about the way we simplistically debate this issue.

One of the things I remember most vividly are the so-called "Christians" yelling "Whore!" and "Burn in Hell" etc at my girlfriend. I had to be restrained by one of the escorts or I was going to smack the shit out of this one dude who got right in her face and screamed "Whore!" I'm sure God is so very proud of them.

The irony is, I'd bet double nickels on the dime half of them either had abortions or had kids at home they neglected or couldn't afford. (Obviously they had better things to do then spend time at home. Calling teenage girls "Whore" is a very important and worthy cause).

I am now the father of a three year old girl (Isabella), and although I thought I'd never be a father I wouldn't trade being one for anything in the world. She definitely changed my life in many ways.

Fathers get a bad rap. There are plenty of deadbeat mothers as well. My daughter's mother is a great example.

There are also many great fathers who work tirelessly to be there for their children, but that doesn't make the headlines. It plays better in the "Heartland" to parade "deadbeat" dads across the screen so the rednecks can feel "righteous".

It also plays on racial stereotypes. Somehow "deadbeat dad" is associated with black men. But I seem to recall when I worked as a counselor/case manager most of my clients being white, and the majority of them having no father figure in their lives.

Mark Bey, you are right on about the birth control issue. I never understood the reasoning behind the "Right to Life Movement's" opposition to birth control. There is a growing segment within the movement attempting to have hormone based birth control (The Pill) banned completely. It simply makes no sense.

Anyone who believes people are going to stop having sex is insane. And people who want to try and stop others from having sex are extremely dangerous.

There are millions of married couples who are terrible parents. Look at our President, and his drunk daughters. He has the nerve to lecture me about "Family Values"?

bitchwhoblogs said...

Loved your post. I want to give a shout out to my man- who is being a great dad to our little daughter.

That he wanted to parent enough to adopt a child out of foster care makes me well up just a bit.... I love that he parents her so well and I also love that he shows our friends and community the power of a proud present black dad.

I have to say - I completely appreciate that I get to share my life with such a man.

Angie said...

"This is causing me to hate christianity more and more and more. Because black people are suffereing most christians did not wait until marraige to have
sex but the still up this policy of abstinence that none have ever seen with our eyes." Mark

Mark: I probably should make this comment at your site, rather than using this space to respond... Field, I hope you don't mind.

I think you need to reevaluate your position on Christianity. Hate Christianity? If Christian principles are followed according to the Bible, Christianity is nothing to hate. Maybe you want to hate some of the things are produced by people not living according to the Bible. But to say you hate Christianity is a little rough. Why not hate some stuff that is quite deserving of hate?

Now, even though I consider myself to be a follow of Christ, I don't usually engage in religious battles. And I don't want you to think that's what this is. Nor is this an attempt to convert you. I learned many years ago that it is God and only God that change the heart of man. So, I will not waste my time trying to make you see something that you refuse to see.

But I will say that you implying that people cannot and will not resist having sex before marriage is somewhat presumptuous. Do you honestly think that every single person out there is having as much sex as they want to? Just because there are some that can't seem to control themselves, doesn't mean that everybody is getting their freak on when the opportunity arises.

Here's the thing... I believe that it is high time for people, not just Christians, to reevaluate their position on sex with many different partners. It's dangerous out here, even with a condom. Do you know that HPV can still be transmitted with a condom on? Now, that's not a big problem for the brothas, but a major problem for us girls. We're the ones that develop cancer from HPV. Is my life worth being ate up by cancer because I couldn't resist a ding-a-ling that had some kind of weird bacteria on it that causes HPV.

Now, you got me on my soapbox... (sigh) I posted a article on my other blog at www.africanamericanhealthnetwork.blogspot.com. That talks about how HPV is transmitted via oral sex as well. So, now men and women are getting throat cancer from doing the do.

I bring that up, simply because I know a lot of sisters that demand that these brothas where condoms when they are engaging in intercourse. But when it is time to give a BJ, all gloves are off. How many folks you know, even the condom using folks, that use a condom for oral sex?

In a city like Houston, where 1 out of 5 blacks are said to be HIV positive, I'm scared to only put a condom between me and these brothas. It's like jumping out of an airplane and using a garbage bag for a parachute. It's just unwise to climb in the bed with someone you don't really know and love, and thinkthat a condom will 100% protect you from whatever they got going on.

I took issue with these types of statements on another thread that's here on Field's site. (The thread on deadbeat dads) I was concerned because the comments left there were pointing out that it is unreasonable to expect people to not give up the boody. But that's nonsense.

That's why black folks are dying at faster rates than everyone else. We act like we can't control ourselves. We eat, sex, and fight our way to death and early disability. It's time to start thinking about how our lifestyle choices are really impacting our lives. Is an orgasm and a piece of fried chicken more valuable than living to take care of ourselves and our families? I can't speak for everyone else, but the answer for me is NO.

Now, I'm not trying to stop grown people from expressing their love for someone that they are in a committed relationship with in a physical fashion/via sex. But all this sexing that's going on between strangers/folks you just know/someone you just think is fine enough to sex is out of hand.

Mark, I understand your position on the matter. And for the record, I also think people should at least where condom. But more than condom use, I think it is time for grown people to act and think responsibily.

Do you know in the last 5 years more black women in their 30's had babies without husbands than ever before. And it sho' in hte hell wasn't because they were making decisions to give birth without a man. It was because they didn't have the guts to do one of two things. 1. Not give up the goods for the fear of losing the brotha. 2. tell the brotha he has got to wear a condom.

Mark, don't think my disagreement with you on this matter is my attempt to cause strife. Due to the recent rumblings, I felt like I needed to throw that in there to make sure that you and I are still cool. Okay...

(Field, I'm sorry for bringing my soapbox over here. And I'm also sorry for the long post. I was making up for lost time and lost posts. (smile))

Lola Gets said...

This was a great post! Its always nice to see the mans perspective (a personal one too) on the issue of abortion.
L

west coast story said...

Thanks for the post, Field. This post suggests that when the time comes for you, you will be a great dad.

I dated a man who spent time in jail/prison for helping his girlfriend get an abortion pre Roe v Wade. It's a complicated, emotional, and personal issue in which the government should not be involved.

mark said...

"I probably should make this comment at your site, rather than using this space to respond... Field, I hope you don't mind."

I think you need to reevaluate your position on Christianity. Hate Christianity? If Christian principles are followed according to the Bible, Christianity is nothing to hate.
Maybe you want to hate some of the things are produced by people not living according to the Bible. But to say you hate Christianity is a little rough. Why not hate some stuff that is quite deserving of hate?

Mark bey: Your right It is rough to say I hate Christianity, but my annoyance and lost of respect for Christianity and the black church is primarily because we (black folk) are doing a lot of suffering and the church still more into symbols and rituals than teaching the entire black population how to fish.

It is a highly superficial and ineffective brand of Christianity that has had disastrous effects. Yeah the church does and has done a lot of good. But they shouldn’t be given a medal for this because this is their duty and supposedly they claim to have been anointed and called by god to do his work. If ten churches in DC are spreading fairy tales about aids then it is the other 90 responsibility is in my opinion to make those other ten stop lying or at least to challenge publicly.

Way too many churches seem way more concerned with building larger buildings and holding retreats as opposed to hitting the streets and healing young black men and the rest of the community.

I would like to see so of those preachers roll around and fall out because he is insulted that the children in the congregations are getting c’s when they could be getting a’s.

If your gonna perform with the holly ghost at least scream dance to influence your congregation to read, write and study mathematics as opposed to just performing. Their no excuse for preachers (most of whom are still men) not to be able to get more brothas off the streets and in church. Especially when you factor in the that not an insignificant amount of black preachers come from those back rounds themselves.

I think black Christians and preachers need to evaluate their leadership in terms of healing the sick and saving people (young black men especially). I’ve had enough of this do as I say live by some ideal none who have never lived or seen in the population nonsense their promoting. The church should be testing, treating for aids and advising un married folks to use protection.

I’m not saying that all black churches are full of the madness but way too many of them are not holding it down. In fact field has written articles on the very topic of the black church and their failure to lead.http://field-negro.blogspot.com/2006/05/pastor-can-you-spare-dime.html#links I just want the church to not ignore aids, give thoughtful advise and lead in a progressive and teach a man to fish kinda way.

mark said...

"Now, even though I consider myself to be a follow of Christ, I don't usually engage in religious battles. And I don't want you to think that's what this is. Nor is this an attempt to convert you. I learned many years ago that it is God and only God that change the heart of man. So, I will not waste my time trying to make you see something that you refuse to see."

But I will say that you implying that people cannot and will not resist having sex before marriage is somewhat presumptuous. Do you honestly think that every single person out there is having as much sex as they want to? Just because there are some that can't seem to control themselves, doesn't mean that everybody is getting their freak on when the opportunity arises.

Mark bey: Everybody may not be getting their freak on but the fact is this over 90% of Americans have sex before marriage. Here are some of the statistics from the fall out of people not ready having children out wedlock.


67 percent of all HIV cases amongst children and black children.
black women make up 7% percent of the total population but are 70% of all new HIV cases in certain areas of the country.
Over 70% of all black kids are born out of wedlock.
Roughly half of all black kids are raised by single mothers with no help from the fathers(this has been going on for a long time)
A very high percentage of black homicide victims were raised in single parent homes.
A very high percentage of black men incarcerated were raised in single parent homes.


Now the out of wedlock birthrate has been high for a long time. In fact their have been many stories of brothas who reformed themselves from non productive and criminal lives . Their have been many stories of men and women finding religion later on in life. Including Ethel Waters the famous black American blues and secular singer who later went on to tour with Billy graham. The fact that people lived secular lives then changed back in the early 1900’s -1950 did not stop people in the 1980s from engaging in very high rates of premarital sex. Which for black people has led to all of the disgusting statistics listed above. The fact that some people/preachers have and are finding religion in 2007 is not stopping 90% percent of the Americans population from having premarital sex and it isn’t helping the all of those black children born with HIV. Reality is this people do not wait until marriage to have sex to the tune of 92 to 8. Everybody in the America knows and accepts that having sex before marriage is pretty the way things are done in this country. Television and music are filled with sexual references, in my opinion black folks are way too hypersexual, the black preachers do not wait until marriage (if they did they would give testimonials in church about how they waited until marriage), preachers anointed by god are involved with all kinds of ridiculous behavior.

I have been debating 8 Christians about the issue of preachers in the black church advising people to remain abstinent but also to use condoms if they do choose to have sex and even though not one of them waited until marriage to have sex not one of them agreed with me. Some of them even said things such as “ I know from experience that having sex before marriage is not good” therefore they would not support the preachers advising us to use protection. My issue wit this type of thinking is this their were people in the 50,60,70, 80 and 1990’s who knew from a hard knock life that having kids out of wedlock was not the best decision to make but in all of all of these negatives trends it has not stopped black people from having a very high out of wedlock birth and aids rate in 2007.

The reality is most people don’t wait until marriage to have sex, the reality is the majority of black children are born out of wedlock, the reality is black children make up 60% percent of the children with aids. It is fact that the black church has been not only ignoring aids but spreading misinformation about how it is spread in spite of the fact that magic Johnson admitted he’d gotten from heterosexual activity over 15 years ago. They had absolutely NO BUSINESS INSISTING THAT AIDS IS A CURSE BY GOD AGAINGST GAYS NOR PROJECTING SUCH HATRED TOWARDS GAY PEOPLE AS THEY HAVE.

I thought Jesus was about healing the sick and love not promoting fairy about aids. lastly I read your blog and your comments at other places and I am extremely impresed with your thougtfulness. I consider you a true and sincere christian my beef is not with you at all. YOu are part of the solution I am after the problem. Nothing personal againnst you whatsover.

Sorry for this long off topic post field

rikyrah said...

Good thoughtful post, FN.

A tribute to the Black Fathers out there taking care of business:

Happy Father's Day, Daddy

Francis L. Holland Blog said...

Announcing the formation of the Afrosphere Associated Press (AAP). (AfroSpear Forum membership required to access this article.)

Anonymous said...

Mark: But at what point do we take responsibility for our out of control behaviors? Do we just accept this for what it is? Do we wear a condom and be glad that we are mayby dodging HIV and an unwanted pregnancy, but still opening ourselves up to contracting HPV?

Here's the deal... I know so many women who are having to have surgeries to remove part or all of their cervix because they have cancer due to HPV. It's happening at alarming rates. But we don't here about that very much, mainly because it's women getting sick and dying. We also don't here about it because the condom industry would be effected as soon as people would realize that their little condoms weren't as safe as they thought.

Let me share why I decided to start the health and wellness blog. I started the health and wellness blog because I figured if black folks got the information about how bad lifestyle choices effects their health, they would make a decision to do something different. I know that's what helped me. When I saw what stroke can do to destroy a vibrant life, I made sure that my big behind lost some weight. Maybe if we taught black folks that it is more safe to engage in healthy, responsible sex practices, the outcomes would be different. (Am I living in a fairy tale?)

Look, for the record, I'm for condom use for those that cannot manage to keep their goods in the storage. But I am also for committed, healthy relationships, especially marriage.

Marriage can be a mess for some people. But with all the challenges, it has it's benefits. The benefit of having "real safe sex" (Yes, I know married sex ain't always sex because of cheating.), having a double income, and having two parents in the house. Yes, I know sisters do the dog on thing, but a strong mama cannot replace a father. JMO

I just wish brothas and sistas would be more selective when they decide they are going to sleep with someone, whether they have a condom on or not. Too many of my friends, and I'm talking about college educated sistas, are having too much random/if he likes me, I like him/he thinks I'm sexy/I ain't got nothing else to do/I'm glad that some one is giving me attention sex. That's what I think is ridiculous.

Now, if I slip up and get pregnant by a man that's not my husband, I certainly hope that he respects, loves, and thinks highly of me. He don't have to feel pressured to marry me. But he, at least, needs to love me. Too often we are getting freaky with folks with no love between us.

BTW... The only way the "church" is going to change is if folks that willing to bring about a change is their to impliment the change. It's time for the men to speak up about these matters. Yes, the preachers are mostly men. But the church is filled up with a bunch of broke down, misdirected women. The church is need of responsible, strong brothas.

(Field, I promise if I comment again on this topic, I'll take it to Mark's. Sorry...)

Angie

Angie said...

Field, I wanted you to know that I am also pro-choice. However, I am a little concerned about sisters being able to have an abortion without having to consult and/or get agreement from the man that was involved. But with that being said, I don’t quite know how to regulate that. So, I guess the system needs to stay as it is. I don’t know…

Do I agree with Christians harassing women that have made a decision to have an abortion? Hell, no! I believe in the power of choice. And that’s what’s real Christianity is about. God gives us the power to choose.

However, I take issue with females that use abortion as a form of birth control. I know young women who had 2, 3, and even 4 abortions before the age 25. And now that they are adults and in loving and healthy relationships, a few of them cannot even get pregnant because of the harm they inflicted on their bodies from having multiple abortions.

And these women I speak of were well aware of the protection that a condom can bring. However, they chose to still engage in behavior that could produce a negative outcome.

What is up with us that we can’t seem to make better choices?

While in graduate school, I researched whether or not African Americans, with private insurance, college educated, and middle income approached health and wellness differently from uneducated, low income African Americans. What did I find in my initial sampling? That African Americans, who are college educated, have a middle to upper class income, and have private insurance were not too different from uneducated, poor blacks when it came to health care practices. Yes, some of the data reflected a little difference. But it wasn’t enough to talk about. Each groups seemed to be equally ill, uninformed, and insistent on being noncompliant.

What is wrong with us? Why do we as a people continue on this reckless path of destruction?

This is what I think, at least, right now. I believe that the oppression that we have had to face for generations have caused us to not value our lives and the contributions that we can make to this world that we live in. I believe that unless we love ourselves, we will never take the necessary steps to improve our overall health and wellness.

mark said...

" But at what point do we take responsibility for our out of control behaviors? Do we just accept this for what it is? Do we wear a condom and be glad that we are mayby dodging HIV and an unwanted pregnancy, but still opening ourselves up to contracting HPV?"

mark bey: Practicing safe sex especially for people who have not graduated from highschool, cant get a decent paying job and are not yet mental ready for the challenge of raising children is taking responsibllity. Also about the oral sex and Hpv you are correct, but shouldnt the church also be on top of the hpv issue to. Shouldnt they be on top of all medical threats to the black community.

This is part of the reason amongst others why I am so, so enraged at the church.

The are supposed to counsel wisely and thoughtfully on some of these issues.

Your right about health they need serving all greasy food at their fundraisers.

How come every black church hasnt made the bible available to all black people via book on tape so as to encourage folks to actually read the entire bible. I have never understood how a christian could be ovver 50 and not read the entire bible.

What about finacial literacy.

What about the preachers rolling around on the floor about black people speding too much money on frivilous things instead of the fashion dress show to many church sundays seem to be.

What about creating job training programs for the young black men in the community.

What about every black preacher taking a pledge sayign they will not take any more in salary that the average black american makes.

Black church services are a lot longer than white church services. How come the preachers dont jump and down and roll around on the floor about all of those things I just mentioned. I know that this dosent accurately describe all black churches but it decribes way too many black churches.

I could less so many things that make black church structure regressive but it would take millions if comments.


" Here's the deal... I know so many women who are having to have surgeries to remove part or all of their cervix because they have cancer due to HPV."

mark bey: YOur right that is happening because we as blacks refuse to keep our nose to the grond. But isnt part of that the churches responsibility isnt the church supposed to be a healing organization? They should be on top of all of those matters always.


If you believe that folks should use a condom if they do have sex out of wedlock then shouldnt the churches know this as well. Should the preachers who were once young men preocuppied with getting their freaks on this?

The church needs to lead even on the aids issue they dont get to decide what is reality and what is not reality. 1 in 5 black people bieng hiv positive in houston is an extremely clear example of the failure of the blach church but also our other social organizations like the naacp (the aids issue was one of the reasons gordon cited for resigning.

If you believe unmarried folks should be using protection then me and you have not a single arument.

The question how do we get the mostly male preachers to get in the streets and deliver this messages to young black men to improve themselves and to create programs that help young black men improve themselves, learn job skils ect.

Why cant this woman who go to church make the preachers do right.

mark said...

" However, I take issue with females that use abortion as a form of birth control. I know young women who had 2, 3, and even 4 abortions before the age 25."

mark bey: Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for saying this. I agree one hundred percent.

We should be more selective in all of our personal behavior, however if you know you are ready and you know you dont have your stuff together you should absolutely decide to use a condom if your having sex.

Why arent the churches doing for fatherhood and manhood what they do for music.

mark said...

When I worked in a group home over ten years ago one young lady had an abortion then later on that night she went out and went partying.

Less than 5 years after that she died of aids she also had 3 or 4 kids no her kids are going grow up in foster care. When you consider that the kids may grow in a worse situation than the mother also without a father it is truly sad.

For lack of knowledge our people are dying. This is what makes the churches behavior in insisting aids was a curse by god against folks even more reprehensible. The should have been educating us about aids and other health matters and the werent.

It is truly unbelievable and dispicable that 10 years after magic came out the church was still insisting aids was a curse against god.

Lastly thankyou Angie for helping to diffuse a situation that ridicilous.

Thats my last off topic comment. Sorry field. My soap box is back in its case.

mark said...

" t is truly unbelievable and dispicable that 10 years after magic came out the church was still insisting aids was a curse against god."

Sorry about that made some typos I meant to say that ten years after magic came out about his aids situation the church was still insisting that it was a curse by god against gay people.

field said...

Thank you everyone who commented on this post. Yeah it was kind of personal, but you all are in the fields with me, so it's all good.

BTW, you all made some good social points as well. Mark my man, you are always on point, and you always bring the passion.

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there holding it down!

plez... said...

Field,

thanks for sharing such a thoughtful and thought-provoking post. i thank the Lord everyday for the little one who made my Father's Day possible and special for me today.

i wanted to write something inspirational to you in this space, but i cannot think of the words to salve your pain. i only hope that you eventually enjoy fatherhood, as it is obvious that we need more fathers like you.

Anonymous said...

i must say that i am impressed to hear such an impassioned and well-thought out comment re "this topic' by a man--especially one of color. as a woman who theorectically could have been your partner at that crossroads i can say, "yes, i did complete my education--i am now an ob/byn. it was the right decision at the time. and i believe we have both ultimately benefitted from my decision--yes, my decision." it would have been soooo easy to drop out of school and start accepting a check and blaming the circumstances of failed contraception for our failures in life......it is also really easy to say that growing up as one of 6 or 13 children with poor and financially struggling parents who love us is more important that having "things" typically associated with the middle class (which in my book include homes in safe neighborhoods, a HS diploma that actually means something, access to a meaningful college education, and being able to assume that you will live to graduate, not to mention the capacity to dream of a life as something other than a professional sports player or entertainer [not that there is anything wrong with those careers--they are just SO out of reach, but SO obviously sold to our youth])

as to why it was my decision. well, you (not you, field, specifically, but men, in general) never asked me what i would do in the case of contraceptive failure (even the best form is only 97% efeective, despite what the ads say) before trying soo hard to get into my pants---even when we were in love, it never occurreed to you to consider the potential consequences of our liason. it is possible you never even asked me if i was even using contraception. getting you to wear a condom porperly is such a trial that i have given up and now simply wait 6 months and several HIV tests later before even going there. even if you will agree to condom use, remember, it is only 60-70% effective.....so if i am the one taking the physical risks of pregnancy, it is my decision whether to continue the pregnancy---obviously, if the our relatinoship is to continue, we must come to some accord. but i ultimately make the decision. (this is how i counsel my patients.)

but, i digress, i just wanted to thank you for opening up and for being, obviously, better than the men i have dated. maybe i will try to start dating again....

fairlane said...

As far as the HPV epidemic, they currently have a vaccine for HPV. Thousands and thousands of women die from cervical cancer every year caused by this virus. Yet, "Conservative Christians" are fighting all over the country to prevent the vaccine from being required for young girls.

We're talking about a virus that kills people, and a vaccine exists, but the "Religious" don't want people getting it. It makes no logical sense and it sure as hell makes no "moral" sense.

The "Religious", specifically "Conservatives", have such simplistic solutions for very complex problems. We have a drug epidemic, ban drugs; too many people having abortions and unwanted pregnancies, ban abortions and birth control etc etc.

It's as though no one ever sits down and asks, "Why are so many people doing these terrible things to themselves?" Of course that answer requires real work, and the solution requires even more. So politicians and demagogues come up with non-solution after non-solution.

Trying to control sex is Fascist, and for anyone who's never read "1984" it was one of the things "Big Brother" did from the onset to destroy humanity. The Soviets controlled sexuality, attempting to turn it into some kind of mechanical behavior.

People often have sex to feel connected, to feel alive in a world where so many feel dead inside. Obviously this is why the poor have the highest rates of unwanted pregnancies and abortions, many of them feel hopeless. That's the problem we face.

Oh, and Happy Father's day!:)

Larry said...

I forgot to add to my previous comment, but it is admirable that after all these years, you feel the way you do.

The Christian Progressive Liberal said...

Field,

Thanks for the Father's Day post. It is during these times that I miss my dad most, because I'm always hoping I've done him proud, and that I never forgot what he taught me.

If men think they don't have impact on the types of women and men their sons and daughters become as adults, you need to look no further than many of us who post here.

I always like to think that our parents did the best they could with what they knew, at the time they knew it. No Dr. Spock for us, and, I must say, most of us are better off for that mother or father who took off that strap and applied it when it was needed.

Some things your mother and father could say through the belt that they couldn't articulate with $10 words we've learned in college or grad school.

While my dad wasn't a Rhodes scholar, he did have his Ph.D in Bullshitology. Which he passed on to me, his baby girl. And I'm a better woman for it.

So thanks, Field, for your post. I'm sure you will make a good father, whether you biologically create a child, or adopt someone's child that needs a father, and what better father than a Field Negro?

Forgiven said...

I don't really want to get deep into this because it would require a lot of space that is not mine...

For those interested I have a manuscript that I am waiting to get published entitled, Fornication: Our Dark Little Secret

The thing that I find so interesting is the lack of personal responsibility from most of the posters.

Newsflash - It is not the woman's fault. God made man first for a reason. When God called out Adam about eating the fruit the first words out of his mouth was to blame God. The woman that "You" gave me made me do it...Sound familiar!

What I know today is when people say they hate Christians it is not about the Christians it is usually an issue with God.

One of the things I remember most vividly are the so-called "Christians" yelling "Whore!" and "Burn in Hell" etc at my girlfriend. I had to be restrained by one of the escorts or I was going to smack the shit out of this one dude who got right in her face and screamed "Whore!" I'm sure God is so very proud of them.

While the behavior displayed was definitely not Christ-like, but isn't the real issue that you and this woman who you were not married to was even there to hear this?

I agree that it seems reading these posts that people have no control over themselves. That surrendering to sin is inevitable, so might as well enjoy it and take precautions. Cause everybody knows we can't stop ourselves. What a cop-out.

The real issue isn't abortion or condoms, the real issue is being out of the authority of God. I am my own god, I make my own rules. Well, go right ahead but don't get mad when you reap what you sow...

Ingrid said...

*SIGH* I am sorry that the some people choose to not understand "forgiven" implies that we share God's heart and we also forgive. I will share something here that I normally do not. About 6 years ago I had an abortion. It was not an early one it I was at 14 weeks. I found out the man I was pregnant by was married and I couldn't fathom bringing a life into this world and into that mess. My choice my burden, my guilt.

I sure God was against what I did and I accept that I will have to answer for this when we finally meet, but it is immensely easy to judge the action with having been through the process behind it.

I empathize with you and I know how it feels to wonder what if. Many men feel helpless in cases like this. As a woman I know how I agonized over this decision and had my "boyfriend" been someone different I would expect that he would wonder also.

Please don't allow the word and thoughts of those who bear the Christian name without Jesus' sense of mercy to lump us all together. I am saved. I have had an abortion and I know all the emotions that come with that decision. No one has the right to judge you for a decision you all made in your youth. God does not differentiate between big sins and little sins. It is all sin and when he forgives us one he forgives us all.

Here is hoping you get your wish and are able to have that little boy or girl to call your own. We need more men who understand the importance of fatherhood.

fairlane said...

"What I know today is when people say they hate Christians it is not about the Christians it is usually an issue with God."

That is projection on your behalf. I never said anything about "hating" Christians or God. I have no problem with God. I find it "ironic" some Christians make the claim that "non-believers", at least of their particular faith, believe they are "their own God".
When you, by your words, imply you have the right to judge others through the eyes of God. Who thinks they are their own God?

I made a mistake when I was very young. We were afraid and unsure of what to do. We were in no way capable of being parents at that point. For you to nonchalantly pass off of the behavior of so-called "Christians" is very telling to me. That was "Jesus' Love"? If so, no thanks.

And this may be "out of line", so Field let me know, but I never understood how minorities could support Christianity. I got into a huge argument with one of my "Native" friends about this issue.

The only reason most minorities are even Christian is because of Oppression by the White Race. Whites outlawed African and Native American, and even some "White" religions, and forced Christianity upon them.

Christianity was used to justify slavery, genocide, Jim Crow, lynchings, sexism and now it's used to bash homosexuals. It is a divisive religion to say the least.

mark said...

@ forgiven

" The real issue isn't abortion or condoms, the real issue is being out of the authority of God. I am my own god, I make my own rules. Well, go right ahead but don't get mad when you reap what you sow... "

mark bey: What exactly is being in the authority of god and who decides that. Also if you waited until your marraid that is 1 thing but if you had sex before marraige like most americans you are pure hypocrit.

I am absolutely fed up with christians and their do as a say not as I do preaching. It makes me sick too my stomach.

Also please explain to me how all of those slave women and their offspring from rape reaped what the sowed.

Please explain to me how millions of black women in america during slavery times deserved to be raped by the slave master.

Some of you christians make me sick stomach with your non sense and hypocrisy.

Forgiven said...

Also please explain to me how all of those slave women and their offspring from rape reaped what the sowed.

Please explain to me how millions of black women in america during slavery times deserved to be raped by the slave master.


By your quoting this example am I to assume that you are equating what you are doing to slavery? This has nothing to do with slavery, it is about slavery to sin and your not wanting to stop. So we justify all manner of behavior to make it ok when the reality is it is not ok...And to answer your question I am celibate and with God's grace I will be until I get remarried...

The only reason most minorities are even Christian is because of Oppression by the White Race. Whites outlawed African and Native American, and even some "White" religions, and forced Christianity upon them.

Christianity was used to justify slavery, genocide, Jim Crow, lynchings, sexism and now it's used to bash homosexuals. It is a divisive religion to say the least.


Unfortunately you speak what you do not know. If you knew the history of Africa you would know that before Islam or any other religion there was Christianity. There are many early African saints St. Moses, the Black, St. Pachomius, and St. Mary of Egypt...

There were Blacks in the first 70 to be commissioned, no there was Christianity in Africa from the beginning. I never directly spoke to you concerning your situation, so I can only believe that you were convicted by someone or something else and I pray for you, but the truth be told by your post it is obvious you do have a problem with God. You can find in all organized religions that involve men excesses and immoral behavior, but you can't blame God for what a man does. Have there been abuses by the Churches of course there has been, look at the Catholic priest, but to condemn God for that is projection on your part...

I am not here to convert or defend anything, I merely stated that if I had not started the process there would have been no result to deal with. It is simple cause and effect, take the religion out of it and it still stacks up the same...I do this, this happens...

Ari said...

"What I know today is when people say they hate Christians it is not about the Christians it is usually an issue with God."

Most people I know who have a dislike for Christians (hate's a strong word) feel this way not because of an issue with God. They have an issue with people. They have an issue with people twisting the word of God. They have an issue with people manipulating the word of God. They have an issue with people using the word of God to further their own personal agenda. A lot of people seem to have a "My way or the highway" mentality. Basically, they feel you are doomed and have no hope if you don't agree with them and their views 100 percent.

I can understand some of Mark's disillusionment with Christianity. The religion may have its origins in Africa, but the version that is practiced today amongst most black Americans was passed down in, large part, by whites during slavery. The reason there is a black church is because white people believed that blacks weren't fit to worship God on an equal level. The version of the Bible being used on Sunday in most churches isn't African, it's the King James version that was produced in the 17th century.

Though I have these issues with the church, I still go to service most Sundays. I still have love for God. I do my own research in regards to religion, not relying on the word of one preacher. I'm also working on buying some non-European versions of the Bible, so I can compare.

Francis L. Holland Blog said...

Field, I know what you're talking about about thinking what it would have been to become a father. I have become the father of my wife's too children and these kids really sustain me sometimes. But I always wanted to be a biological father, and I often wonder what might have been had I only not been so careful and logical with birth control all these years.

Fatherhood is rarely a logical decision, since one would almost always be more wealth financially not having children than having them in our technological society. But we are hard-wired biologically to want children, and that's why we keep doing so. You never know, Field. As I understand it, you're not to old and neither am I.

I guess I should accept your happy father's day wishes, and I do, even though I am a step-father and not a biological father.

Mizrepresent said...

Wow, nice to hear a real man talk, about real things. Great blog!

Anonymous said...

Hi there,
I just came across your web-site x way of antoher site and I am so impressed! This post really touched my soul and made me wish, the man I share a child with would
read it as well. I thought at the start of our relationship we were on the same page, yrs. later I realized we weren't. Now, I have two roles and at times I regret having one of the roles, but I don't regret the lift that was created. I hope the men who are really being Father's to their children...had a wonderful Father's Day. For the ones who don't play a role in their childs life.....get involved! Be Blessed, this was a wonderful post.

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