Dear Mr. Straight Talk:
I know this has been a rough few days for you because of that NYT story coming out about your closeness to a certain lobbyist. That, and the fact that the latest polls are showing you trailing the likely Democratic nominee in damn near every state.
I know some of your conservative friends, like Rush Limp-boy has rallied around you. And they are even claiming that this latest scandal might actually help you. But I am not buying it. Whenever something comes up that reminds voters of the K word it can't be good for you.
Anyway, because you are a genuine A-merry-can hero, and because I have always had a soft spot in my heart for you, I am going to give you some advice (I know your campaign is short on cash, so I won't charge you a dime for it):
1. Play up the affair part of this story. Hell the woman was thirty years your junior. What better way to let the A-merry-can voters know that you are not that old after all, and that you can last four years without spending half of it in Walter Reed .
2. Call out Rush and all the other conservative radio talk show hosts that have been giving you a hard time. Take a page from Bill Clinton's book, and make them your Sista Souljahs. So you piss them off, what are they going to do, tell their people to vote for the Democratic nominee? I don't think so.
3. Tell Cindy to shut up. The last time I checked "The Stepford Wives" bombed (whoops, poor choice of words) at the box office.
4. Send Muqtada al Sadr some flowers with future assurances that if you are elected President, there will be lots more where they came from.
5. Since you can't wear those high heel boots like Prince. (It just doesn't look presidential)
I know you are somewhat challenged in terms of your height, so I would suggest wearing some lifts in those wing tips.
6. Brush up on your Spanish.
7. Watch your temper. I can see you slipping up and referring to the "O" man as "boy" during one of the debates.
I wish I had more for you, but honestly, I don't want you to win, I just want you to be competitive.
The Field Negro.