King Of The Fields

I told you I would not comment directly on the news for awhile, and I will not. There is just so much happening in the news right now that my poor brain is locked into news over load. It's just way too much for the field-negro to deal with. Anyway, I am sitting here in the fields, glad the heat wave finally broke, and thinking about the world and all of its problems. Why just today there was a major terrorist plot uncovered in England to blow up airplanes over the Atlantic. May I steal a line from Arsenio? It makes me want to say mmmmmm. So they have been watching these guys for months and just decided to move in on them? That's funny, why are they moving in now that my man Tony Blair is in political trouble in the UK, not to mention, major mid-term elections coming up in this country? But I digress, it may, after all, just be the cynic in me coming out again. So while in the fields, my mind starts to wonder, and I say to myself; self, what if you were King of the world or at least of the United States, what changes would you make?

So here goes:

If I were King of the world, there would be no death penalty period. No civilized society puts another human being to death. Lock him up and throw away the key. Force him to do free manual labor for the rest of his life to benefit society, but don't take his life. Especially given our very human proclivities towards bias.

If I were King of the world, a woman would be free to do what she wants with her body. I have always said that if men could have babies, there would be drive through abortion clinics. Now do I like the idea of aborting a fetus? No, but then again, it aint my body carrying it.


If I were King of the world marijuana would be legal and taxed like tobacco. I know I am from Jamaica, but give me a break. Nothing that comes out of the earth and is not touched by any man made chemicals-like cigarettes for instance-should be illegal to smoke. And Bill, you are a f#$@*%g lier, you did inhale.

If I were King of the world, organ donation would be mandatory. Like what the f#@# are you doing with it? You are dead!

If I were King of the world, homosexuals would be free to marry, adopt children, and have every legal right that heterosexuals have.

And speaking of marriage, if I were King of the world, marriage license would expire every five years. - like a driver's license- That way you could have an option of renewing that bad boy. Think of all the headaches and money people could save, not having to go through the entire divorce process.

If I were King of the world, every elected politician would have to send their child to a public school for the equivalent number of years that they stay in public office. Think about it; Chelsea Clinton, and the Bush twins would have gone to public schools for their entire educational career. Now that, as my white friends like to say, would be "rich".

And speaking of schools, if I were king of the world, parents would be fined $100 for every PTA meeting they miss. Unless they bring a damn good excuse why they weren't there. Parents will also be fined if their children miss over 25% of classes, or forget to do 25% of their homework assignments in a given school year.

And under King Field, teachers will be given bonuses if their classes out perform the previous year. Mmmm sounds like "no child left behind" I didn't say frat boy was all bad. I happen to like parts of the "no child left behind" program.

If I were King of the world, all preachers would be taxed relative to the membership of their churches.

If I were King of the world reparations would be in the form of a free state funded college
education if an individual can prove that he or she was a direct descendant of slaves. The land grant state college in the state in which they reside, would guarantee them four years of college as long as they graduate high school with a "B" average.

If I were King of the world, welfare to work recipients would be given mandatory classes in debt and personal management skills. And section 8 recipients would not be punished for having a man in the home, as long as he does not have a criminal record, and he either has a job, or is trying to find one.

Speaking of welfare; people who are granted public assistance would be removed from their grant if they did not vote. And speaking of voting, felons -if, and only if, they complete their sentences- would be given the right to vote. Also if you are on public assistance, you will not be allowed to get benefits for more than two children.

If I am King of the world, affirmative action quotas, will be based on your income and background, not your race or your gender.

If I am King of the world, there will be term limits for every elected branch of government-not just the presidency- No more Jessie Helms damn near dying in the senate before his old racist ass had to go.

If I am King of the world, insurance companies will have to give auto policy holders a rebate check every five years that they- the policy holder- stays accident free.

If I am King of the world, all you can eat food joints would ban patrons who appear to be more than one hundred pounds over weight. Yes obesity is a national health problem. Hell, we ban cigerette smoking in public places, so let's stop overweight people from killing themselves in public places. And speaking of overweight; (And I stole this one from somebody) food items in the supermarket should be taxed proportionately to the calories in them and not the price.

If I were King of the world, the IMF would forgive the debt owed to it by all Third World countries. Like those greedy SOB's need the money. And while I am still king, I might as well force countries like America and other first world countries to buy farm products from poorer countries first before they buy anywhere else. It's the least they could do after years of colonialist exploitation.

If I were King of the world, I would ban assault and semi automatic weapons in all areas where there is a population of over fifty thousand people. Heck, you know what, I would ban all hand guns period in these areas. Only those in law enforcement can have handguns. Lock your f$#@&%g guns up at the gun or hunting club. So if your ass gets caught with one in the city, it's a mandatory five year sentence. And if you are caught selling one, it's a mandatory ten years.

If I were King of the world, I would stop funding NASA with the government's money. I would use some of that money for things like surveillance cameras for high crime areas, more funding for mass transit, more funding for things like child support enforcement and after school recreational programs. Space can wait. I don't think we are missing out on too much up there anyway.

If I were King of the world, I would offer more tax relief for people who buy hybrid cars, and people who own small business. Especially those people who try to start their businesses in poorer communities. Oh, and they woud have to be citizins, I am sick of foreign business in the hood. Ever notice that they only hire their own family members to work in these stores? What does that tell you black folks? Get your own!

Finally, If I were King of the world, I would order Jessie Jackson, Ann Coulter,Rush Limpbough, Bill Oliely, Al Sharpton, Sean Hannity, Michael Eric Dyson,Ken Blackwell, Michael Savage, Ray Nagin, and...oh what the heck, lets throw Clarence Thomas in there too. All sent to Gitmo indefinitely until I decide it's time for them to be released. Oh, it's good to be king. Now I know what King George feels like :)

Oh, before I go, the King must have a Queeen. Mmmmm let's see now, Ok Lark looks like you are it.

I'm out.