Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Some Of My Best Friends Are White

So I am reading over at Wizbang, a conservative site that I like to visit now and then and there is a post from one of the hosts about this family in Maine, who tried to kidnap their daughter in order to force her to have an abortion. Well, as it turns out,(I should have known)the young man that knocked her up was a ....Gasp! NEGRO! Anyway, you can imagine the uncomfortable outrage that some of my friends over at Wizbang felt at this development. After all, can't we all just get along? The young man's race should not have caused this family to do this sort of thing, and I live in Texas and I always knew there was racism in the North, and blah blah blah. As if 90% of them posting probably wouldn't have done the same damn thing.

Readers of this blog know that one thing the field cannot stand is a hypocrite,especially when it comes to matters of race. Hey, if you feel a certain way about black folks, please let me know. I will respect you for it. If you would just die if you knew that your precious daughter would marry a black man, say it. Don't play this tolerance game because it is the American and PC thing to do. Let me know how you really feel, damn it!

This is why I carefully chose my white friends. -And yes I do have some- My white friends are people who level with me, and tell me how they really feel, not only about me, but about my race. And yes, I still consider them friends. In fact, this is exactly why they are my friends. Now before you start with the; but field how can you associate with friends who might say disparaging things about black folks? Let me explain something to you: It's like this: Your white friends, who you think are soooo tolerant and PC, are not. They are just like my white friends, but my white friends say what your white friends are thinking, it's as simple as that.

And make no mistake, having white friends like mine have far more advantages than having white friends like yours. For instance, did you know that white people have a certain hand signal [at least in Philly they do] that they use when they refer to black folks? Yes, apparently this is very convenient for them when they are in the company of other blacks and they don't want the black person to know that they are making an issue of the race of a particular person. An example would be:- white person talking- "Yeah I was on the subway today and it was so crowded (hand signal here) with people" Now if you don't know the code, you wouldn't know that talker was referring to black people. At the time, I didn't know either, but I know now, because my white friends told me. So now my white friends just come right out and say it: "No offense field, but I felt uncomfortable with all those black people on the train today". Here is another example of something I learned from my white friends: Did you know that when white folks in certain neighborhoods are about to sell their home, they put out feelers to all the family and friends of all the other white people in the neighborhood, just to see if any one is in the market for a home? This way, they won't have to get realtor's involved. I mean you never know, some black family could pass and see the for sale sign in the yard and actually qualify for a mortgage. Oh, and these sellers will even sell to other white folks with less than perfect credit. Even if it means taking a hit on the equity built up in the home. And I always wondered why I never saw for sale signs in certain neighborhoods. Did you know that when Notre Dame had a black head coach, Irish people all over the East Coast (even the ones that didn't go to Notre Dame, or to college, heck, or finish high school for that matter) were losing their freaking minds. I knew a year before old Ty got the axe that he was on his way out. My Irish friends told me so. They also can't stand it when their favorite pro team has a black QB, -like we do here in Philly, and they always cheer for the white guy to win in any sport no matter what. My white friends don't invite me to certain family functions and they tell me why. (Well you know old uncle Bob is real old, and he never really liked black people, and unfortunately, he will be there) Your white friend, just won't tell you about the function in the first place. And I could go on, like they really do think our d**ks are bigger and...well, OK they are right about that one. And they go nuts because they say we are always late when we go to the movies; and to top it off, we are always talking too damn loud once we get there. They really do wonder why we can use the "N" word and they can't, and they tell me that when no other blacks are around it flies like crazy. Of course, this is where the inevitable "field, if I slipped and used it, would we still be friends?" Always comes in. And the field always has to reply; "yes, if after I whooped your ass you would still want to be my friend; sure we would."

So having real white friends can be fun, and it can be meaningful. I encourage all black folks to get at least one. Not just some superficial co worker or colleague who needs you every now and then to add commercial type coloring to a party or a function. But a real friend, someone who will reveal secrets to you about his race that no one else had taken the time to do before.

My only caution to you is this: Your white friend will expect a trade off. He will want to know things about you, too. He will prick at you when you least expect it. It could be over a drink, or in the middle of a card game, or during a round of golf. "So field you never dreamed about getting with a white woman?" "So field, how come you black guys always seem to know each other, even if you are total strangers?" "What happens in a black church?" Or, "what do you guys talk about when you are alone together?" And, "do you want reparations?"

But be strong, don't give anything away, give your white friends superficial stuff, stuff he or she already knows. "Yes Jimmy, I love fried chicken. Yes Jimmy, I prefer big butts to big breasts. Yes Jimmy, I love all Earth Wind & Fire music, and yes Jimmy, I play a serious game of basketball." Get it? Keep it light, nothing too deep like the stuff that goes on in our churches for instance, or the secret codes that we have for white folks. Or how we always secretly cheer for the brother over the white boy; none of that stuff. Nope, no trade offs with your white friend. Trust me, he wont' know the difference, as long as you give him something and you seem sincere in doing it. You know, kind of like your white friends do to you.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

09 20 06

hehehehehehehehehehehehehehhe Now that is one of the finest pieces of writing I have seen this year! You certainly got my attention with this one. And I think underlying this post is the question of whether or not we can all 'get along' in a pluralistic society, especially when there is a er, colorful and oft painful history between two ethnic groups. I was watching a movie about Native American codebreakers during WWII and it struck me that no one had studied the Native American languages up to that point, and their unique cultural norms saved the Good ole USA. There is something to be said about keeping certain cultural norms to oneself in that regard...You are too much:)
-Mahndisa

Anonymous said...

Yo Field excellent post. I guess I am going to have to get some more white friends so they can show me the private coded things they have access to that I dont.

Also you are right from a strategic standpoint, whe should keep them very close in order to watch the system and to benifit from the things they have access to .

You are right tell them nothing juicy but exchange info for info with us always getting exactly what we need.

Anonymous said...

FN,

This was a classic post...right up there with FN 101, Something Ain't Right, Falling Down and many other's. You have a wonderful way of mixing humer with truth, which in my view is an amazing gift.

Keep on keeping it real.

Francis,

Anonymous said...

Dear Field,

Excellent post. As someone who knows you (and who thinks she once worked with the white friends to whom you refer), I can't help wondering why they showed you the secret hand signal and didn't show me.

We'll have to discuss this over hoe cakes the next time I visit the plantation.

field negro said...

You're on for the hoe cakes :)

I am not Star Jones said...

Fucking brilliant.

one quibble ....
the eastern european (russian, serbian) boys have big slabs of penises too.

grinder said...

I haven't heard the word "nigger" in an all-white group for 40 years, and I don't hang out with social worker liberals. But I did work for a company HQ'd in the South, and the white wife of my boss once told me that white people in the headquarters town (Little Rock) casually used the word, and that she found it shocking and extremely distasteful.

It semi-mystifies me that black people call each other "nigger" so often, but then I tell myself that I will hear gay people call each other "faagot," so I guess I kinda sorta understand. But still, I was raised to regard "nigger" as the gravest insult, so I can't help but be jarred by it no matter who says it.

We don't have subways in Seattle but we did in some other places where I lived. Whether or not I was uncomfortable on trains with lots of black people depended on their behavior. I hate loud noise, and am an equal opportunity hater of it. White people who yelled into their cellphones were much more of an irritant to me.

That said, a boisterous group of blacks in their teens and 20s would put me on edge. Depending on the situation, I'd feel like a potential target, and I'd feel like there was no way I could ask 'em to pipe down, like I might be able to do with a group of white kids.

The two biggest dicks I ever saw in person were on white guys, but in my experience black guys are bigger. The biggest dicks I've seen in pictures were on black guys, and I know they weren't Photoshopped because you can't Photoshop a movie without going to a whole lot of trouble. But there are plenty of you guys who are average.

When I was a kid in Milwaukee, my favorite player was Hank Aaron, before the Braves moved to Atlanta. I constantly would argue that Aaron was the best home run hitter ever, and when I read the books about Babe Ruth I thought he was an asshole. I'm not much of a sports fan any more, but I can honestly say that I don't give a shit what race anyone is. By the way, the most popular baseball player in Seattle is Ichiro, who is Japanese.

The weirdest thing I ever learned about a black guy concerned an employee in a record store who didn't like jazz and whose favorite band was something called "the Swingles," which I think is an Easy Listening group that makes The Carpenters look like Led Zeppelin. I never expected the ultimate uber-nerd to be black.

I've never heard about the real estate stuff you mention -- but, given that not all white people are alike (believe it or not), and given that this is a big country, it wouldn't shock me in theory. In practice, I'd have to wonder just how much money someone would give up to sell to a white buyer instead of a non-white one.

By the way, on the issue of selling to someone with less than perfect credit, that only applied to a seller-carried loan. Most transactions go through a bank, which takes the credit risk.

If blacks or Mexicans moved next door, I'd worry about noise because I think blacks are louder on average than whites. If Asians moved next door, I'd keep my dog in my own yard. (Kidding on that last one.) And I really wish the white guy across the street would move out. He parks cars on his fucking lawn, and this is not that kind of neighborhood. Everyone thinks he's a whackjob, and everyone is right.

grinder said...

p.s.: Mexicans would worry me more on the noise front. Plus I'd be looking to see whether there were 20 people living there. As long as everything was quiet and orderly and well-kept, I'd be fine with whoever was there. I do wonder about my white neighbors, who I suspect of being some sort of Christian fundies. Vans on Sunday mornings. Oh well.

Seda said...

Y'all can be friends with me! Truth to tell, though, between my native naivete and the folks I hang out with, I don't think I have any interesting secrets ... at least, not from the last 20 years.

Before that, though...

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