Thursday, September 28, 2006

What's That Smell?


Excuse me America but someone just farted. I can smell it, and I am sure you can too. But like all decent people do when they are in the company of strangers, I am sure you are pretending you don't. But how can you not smell it, it's so strong, and stink. The thing is, whoever did it, let go with one of those silent ones, the real killers, the real stink bombs!

Why is every one still talking and pretending there is no stench in the air? Am I the only one with a sense of smell? I mean come on, I know my nose is bigger than that of everyone else but surely we all can smell can't we? Well I am going to say it right now; it wasn't me. Whenever I want to fart, I excuse myself from America's living room, because I know that nobody likes that smell. Yep, I only fart around friends, people who I know and trust. People I can laugh about it with, and can just blurt it out, instead of having to squeeze off one of those silent ones.

But someone among us has no sense of etiquette or how our culture works. I think it's that pesky "Past" guy, he is always doing things like farting and smelling up our living room. Someone ought to tell him that it's not polite to fart in public like that, and especially among strangers. Here in America we like to keep our living room clean and smelling really nice. After all, we want our guests to be able to come into our home and say what a nice place we have. We want them to leave and go back to their homes and say things like: Boy I wish my home was like America. Clean, fresh smelling, and all the family members get along so well.

But every now and then, that "Past" that, ah ahm, "black sheep" in our family forgets about how he should behave. And he does something like this; he farts. Now he has farted in the middle of an important time in America; election season. A time when we are going to choose the people to go out and buy the furniture for our living room, and decide how we will spend our money to keep our wonderful house-if you will- going. These people are important, and we are trying to elect them, and "Past" is smelling up the room with his nasty "N" word farts. Those are the worst kind too, because they really really stink, and they make every one want to leave the room. Because, let's face it, no one wants others in the room thinking it's them.

I know what we have to do, we have to throw "Past" out of our house, or at least keep him out of the living room. That way he can't go stinking up the joint with his farts. I mean decent people just don't do that type of stuff. But not "Past" he has no shame, and no sense of what we are trying to achieve here.

Sometimes we all wish "Past" wasn't even here, that he wasn't a family member and we didn't have to deal with him at all. But what are we going to do? He is, after all, family. And we are stuck with the guy. We just have to get him under control that's all; and teach him how to behave in the living room. He makes it just way too embarrassing for too many people.

So "Past" I am calling you out, because I don't want the people in the house looking at the field like I need a bath or something. It was you "Past", and I want every one to know it. Anyway,the next time you decide to stink up our beautiful home, you better think twice, or we are going to put you right down there in the basement with "History" and the rest of those rebellious kids. You got it?

Now will someone please pass the air freshener? I think "Past" did it again!

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