I was trying to do some work today and I kept getting interrupted by Mrs. Field's laughter. I got up to see what she found so funny on the television, and it turns out she was watching an old Cosby flick on TVOne. Which go me to thinking: does any black person over thirty even watch BET anymore?
And then there were the comments some of you folks left after my post about the Wares adopting what seems to be a little white baby. And that got me to thinking as well: What if there really was a "Negro Review Board" and I was heading it? Just what would be the do's and don'ts and the the ins and outs for you Negroes?
Well, let's start with the obvious, and what triggered me thinking this way in the first place: Black television. You Negroes would no longer be allowed to watch BET. If you are going to watch a black station on television, it would have to be TVOne.
You Negroes would have to vote for Barack Obama, and you would have to donate at least $25 to his campaign. I think that's happening anyway, but that shit would be required or you would lose your Negro card.
If I ran the NRB Negroes could not have house pets. That is for white folks. Besides, times are tough. We are having a hard enough time feeding the humans in our families.
You Negroes would have to stop driving big ass trucks. We would prefer if you get a nice compact. (Do you know how stupid you look rolling down the highway in your big ass Denali sitting on twenties with gas selling at $4.50 a gallon? Get your ass a nice Honda Civic or some shit like that. There is nothing corny about saving money.
And speaking of driving down the highway: Negroes would have to stop leaning to the side when they are driving their whips. That shit does not look cool. It's stupid. And if you are pushing a whip that costs less than your tires and your rims, the shit is really whack.
Negroes over 21 would no longer be allowed to buy PlayStation's or any similar video games. Think about it.
The NRB would not allow Negroes to drop another dime into the offering plate unless the pastor could show them where the money is going. (And it can't be a building fund for the church. The building the church is in now looks just fine.
Negroes would no longer be allowed to give their children fucked up names from expensive products that they think sounds cool. Names like Porche, Mercedes, Alize, Champagne, Diamond, Jazz....--you all know what I am talking about---just ain't gonna cut it in the real world. That shit is seriously fucked up...."Ahh come on field that's not cool to call out people who might not know better. I know, that's why we have the NRB.
And speaking of fucked up things to do to your kids; Negroes would no longer be allowed to use their children's social security numbers for shit. No child should owe over $30,000 for a new car before they are six....
All Negroes would be weighed before entering all you can eat buffet joints. For every pound that you go over 200 you would be charged an extra dollar for your meal. I am sorry to single you Negroes out for this form of food discrimination, but let's face it, we have some serious health issues that other folks don't have.
You Negroes would not be allowed to read Ebony or Jet anymore. Those mags are no longer required reading for Negroes. You would now be allowed to read damn near anything else you want to though. Not that it will make any difference, because some of you Negroes really hate to read. What's that old racist saying? "If you want to hide something from a nigger put it in a book"?
We would allow you to cheer for the Celtics now. They have a black coach and more brothers on the team than the Lakers, so it's cool.
We would prefer if you were out in the open and not on the DL. That DL stuff is having some consequences.
As head of the NRB, I would make sure that my black sisters know that it's cool to continue watching Oprah for now. But that could change. Just listen out for further announcements from the NRB.
Black folks would be told that it's no longer cool to listen to R-Kelly. I know I know, that one is hard. --I was just rocking "Hair braider" on my IPod myself-- But damn it, we must take a stand.
Speaking of music: all line dancing would be banned from future black events! NO EXCEPTIONS!!
Black folks would be told that we don't have a clear cut leader, so it's still cool to call Rev. Inc. if they get in trouble.
Black folks would be told that it's still alright if they run a little late for appointments. It's called CP time. That's a built in hook up that we have. The NRB does not believe in taking away hook ups.
Finally, dissenters like some of the smart alecky commenters here could be thrown out of the race. You would have to petition the NRB to be reinstated, and that could take awhile. Trust me, you don't want to spend years of your life looking like a Negro but not being a part of our race....although I suspect that many of you living in A-merry-ca already know that feeling.
**FYI, the picture used for this post is not meant to be a true representation or likeness of the NRB. It's just a stock photo of some brothers looking important. **
86 comments:
LMAO, but you are soooo wrong for this post.
There's a lot of things that need to go before the NRB.
Like determining real Field Negro behavior and calling out the House Negroes and putting them on a list.
"You Negroes would have to vote for Barack Obama,"
Are you admitting you're sipping the O'laid now?
I can't stand most of the names in general (Shanshiqua, De'vantequan) but when white people stop naming their children "rider" and "apple" then we can talk. They still get jobs, there's still a double standard here.
You also need to ban the loud music and loud base stereo playing. Not cool. That's one of the reasons why no one wants some of us to live in certain areas.
I'd just like to be worthy of an H.F.N. someday, but I know it's not an honor for which one apply.
I agree with most of the NRB listings, except the one about the in-house pets. I have a gorgeous, long-haired calico, and she's an in-house cat. She's quiet and causes no trouble. She doesn't talk back, requires little maintenance, and costs very little. And unlike dogs, she doesn't have to be walked and exercised, because she's fat and lazy. There are some black folks, Field, who just happen to like their pets indoors. It's not just for WF. Obviously, you are a pet hater.
Field Negro,
This is HILL-AIR-EE-OUS!!! *LOL*
Truly.
You forgot a few policies...
Dudes should not be allowed to wear pants that hang off of their behinds.
Dudes should NOT be allowed to wear athletic clothing OR athletic shoes unless they are attending a sporting event or participating in one.
Dudes should NOT be permitted to wear baseball caps...or ANY type of head gear (red and blue scarves, etc...)
Dudes who have fathered children by different women must pay a fine... per child.
Sistas can NOT have unprotected sex with any brotha she is not married to...unless he puts down 9-month deposit on future child support ...in cash.
Dudes can NOT own a stereo system that costs MORE than the amount he happens to have in a savings count for his children's college fund.
No dudes can drink any beverages out of paper bags.
That handshake with a snap that brothas love to do with each other in order to look suave-bolo MUST CEASE.
Sistas who REFUSE to get their microbraids taken out and redone after two months will pay a fine for each week that they leave them in.
Sistas can NO longer dye their hair burgundy or orange (saying it's blond)!
Sistas can not get designs or their man's name painted on their nails.
Tatoos will be banned from cleavage or arms or thighs of women.
Sistas can not give themselves nicknames of food items...cookie...peaches...puddin'...bon-bon...whatever.
Okay....those are the other policies I would add! *LOL*
(smiles)
Lisa
No one but you Field would think of starting a NRB :)
I was with Mrs. Field LMAO this weekend TV One showed two Cosby and Poitier classics.
Lisa is on point with her additions!
Can we please add something on there about music lyrics
mouth bling
There should also be a time limit set for certain phrases like you go girl etc.,
This is so hilarious but really, so necessary!
Speaking of music: all line dancing would be banned from future black events! NO EXCEPTIONS!!
haha. This list was hilarious.
I'm not even gonna touch the bad financial, sexual, and parenting choices people make in their private lives, but a public NRB would have their hands full:
They should be trying to destroy the notion that black people need a "clear cut leader," not cosigning that bullshit.
They would also need to enforce the policy to reject the "but white people do it too" defense that some of mouthpieces use to defend backward behavior.
Also, they need to push that just because (racist) white people hate a black person, doesn't mean we have to defend that person. And if the person isn't worth a shit, it's foolish to tie his fortunes to black people as a whole.
That food thing is harsh, bro. Do you know that if I whip myself back into shape that I'd still have to pay an extra $25 to eat at a buffet?
This post is still funnier than hell, though. Nice work.
PS -- My word verification for this comment was "kunztru".
But... but...I want a rabbit. If the reasoning behind the no pets rule is hard times, can there be a multi-use exception for animals when it's culturally acceptable to hug, eat, and make some mittens out of them?
Black/Woman/Trumpet is on to something. I actually just read your recent posts, Lisa....and then came back here after a nice game at scrabulous.
There is a class distinction which none of us talk about. And going back to the Obama fatherhood speech where he did mention other cultures not only Black men...but I'd have to say that conversation is for a lot of economic and mentally lower-class men.
Rhonda posts a lot here and I know the speech is not something her family relates to as she added at bottom of the other post. She's also mentioned on JJP how her dad works on Wall Street and her parents live down the street from the Clintons. So they are not middle class.
And Obama may become our President but neither he nor Michelle come from the Black elite.
A lot of behaviors that we may roll our eyes at like the African-esque names, hip-hop culture [bling], hey even watermelon and fried chicken are not things that upper crust crowd goes for.
I think back to Chris Rock's Never Scared special where he talked about rich people and wealthy people. How musicians and athletes are rich but they're not the owners of the business entities that write the checks to them. How even Oprah is considered poor amongst billionaires.
Those people who are the 1% wealthiest in this country don't really care who's President inasmuch as their lives are not really going to change one way or the other. They can buy their way out of anything.
I'm not certain the elite come down from their very sweet and rarified air to take the time to have conversations with us little people - don't be offended FN if you are one and have been frontin' - but I am certain their list might be slightly different.
1. Must have Black AMEX card
2. 2 degree minimum
3. Must own an expensive foreign car outright
4. Must own a multi-million dollar home outright
5. Must have main residence and at least one vacation home as well
6. Only attend name schools and attended boarding school
7. Must volunteer but nothing too taxing
8. No flashiness
9. Own a business, run a business/be top level executive of one and/or be married to someone who does
10. Have parents and grandparents who had money and family connections
For some reason this post didn't sit too well with me, because it reminded me and sounded more like a joke at the expense of those less fortunate than others--a put down. It sort of reminds me of class distinctions, and snobs turning up their noses and looking down on people that are poor with condescending attitudes.
Yup, the aristocrats with all of their fake pretentious attitudes, who eat, defecate, and die just like all other human beings, and the only difference is they have more money than others. However, strip all that money and all of their other material things away, and they would be the same as any other ordinary human being. Sad!
Whoa!
I haven't laughed this hard in quite a while, bro!
Malik Mahdi
Funny stuff........Blacklett's comment killed me! Multi-use pets indeed; huggable, edible and clothes worthy. Nice.
"You also need to ban the loud music and loud base stereo playing."
That isn't really NB though. The white kids where I live blast their music louder than 20 black folks in a car put together. But nice try :)...whoops, I think I just fell into that category that gordon gartrelle commented about :(
"white folks do it too so it's cool".
"I have a gorgeous, long-haired calico, and she's an in-house cat. She's quiet and causes no trouble. She doesn't talk back, requires little maintenance, and costs very little. And unlike dogs, she doesn't have to be walked and exercised, because she's fat and lazy. There are some black folks, Field, who just happen to like their pets indoors. It's not just for WF. Obviously, you are a pet hater."
anon.12:33AM, you are NOT a Negro.
Okay,blackwoman....your list was sriously on point. We will have to adopt some of those for the NRB as well.
grannystandingfortruth, I know where you are coming from, but I don't think it has anything to do with class or status. In fact,I dare say black folks with money (especially new money) make more poor choices than black folks without it. Take the Truck and rims thing for instance. Nope, it's not a class thing, it's a common sense thing.
And blacklett's, your comment had me LMAO.
Okay cali tejano, so you are at least 225. How tall are you? You are right, maybe the owner of each restaurant should be allowed to take height into consinderation as well.
Missy, I co-sign with the mouth bling. Gotta go! And yes it takes money to afford a mouth bling, so this is not a money or class issue.
Damn funny post . . .
And blacklett's comment made me laugh so hard
my stomach still hurts.
I am with you 200% on everything except the playstation. That's my one release. Reading books & playing my xbox. Its not just a video game its part of my entertainment center....lol.
Don't forget individuals with degrees who act like they never learned proper english so they can fit in.
The way these comments are running remind me of what usually happens between me and my brother when we start talking about what black people need to do.
His "growing up in the same suburbs I did" ass will get upset if I frown at some of the clown ass shit we do. "Why we gotta act like white folks?" is his cry.
"White folks are acting too, negro," is my reply.
Why do we hold up the ass end of us, the clown shit, the Flavor Flav's, the pit bulls, and say "this is how we do it?"
The Italians, the Poles, the Germans, The Jews, the French, the Swiss, the Dutch, the Irish, the Norwegians - the ethnic groups we see as being white in America - all have their ass-end behaviors too. But they don't glorify them, not the way we do.
Too many negroes want to live in the fantasy world where we can have our cake and eat it too. Ain't happenin' here.
The Negro Review Board is already alive and well - you just don't see them. They conduct their meetings in their living rooms and on their telephones, sorting and classifying their clients, their patients, their customers all the time, granting favors and extra service to those that appeal to them.
Negroes over 21 would no longer be allowed to buy PlayStation's or any similar video games. Think about it.
man, come on! Tricks are for more than kids!
all line dancing would be banned from future black events! NO EXCEPTIONS!!
No more Electric Slide??? Oh come on! Grandma can't dance the 2-step no mo'!
Black folks would be told that it's still alright if they run a little late for appointments. It's called CP time.
I call that built-in bumper.
If I ran the NRB Negroes could not have house pets.
No! Not Sparky! What are you, monsters? Bosheviks?
You Negroes would not be allowed to read Ebony or Jet anymore.
No more JET? Come on! Have you ever seen the hotties on page 36?! God-damn this week's wuz finer than the edge of a...ok I'm going into fantasy land here. Where was I?
Finally, dissenters like some of the smart alecky commenters here could be thrown out of the race.
Well fine then, Field! I wouldn't want to be a member of the NORTH KOREAN RACE any damn way! Now give me back my fried chicken, my watermelon, my rims, my welfare check, and my 13 baby mama's and I'll go somewhere else!
I'd like to add to the list.
Must read and hand in book reports:
Anything James Baldwin
Autobiography of Fredrick Douglas
" " Malcolm X
Letters from Birmingham by MLK
Anything by Dr. Edward. W. Blyden
Ida B. Wells
W.E.B. DuBois
Message to the Blackman, Elijah Muhammad
James Weldon Johnson
Poetry from the Sixties
You get the picture
* Clears throat * If I may add some more to the list...
Grown a** men: it’s unacceptable to wear earrings, braids and a suit all at the same time. Cut your damn hair and take off those female accessories.
Grown a** people: If you're over 25 and NOT in college (grad, law, med school) GET OUT of your parents house. Get your own shyt! (Unless you're a caretaker of your parent(s).)
Women: have more self-respect, close your legs, use protection and stop selling your a**!
Men: Have more respect for your sistas, yourself and stop blaming "The Man" or as Michelle Obama allegedly says "Y-T". Get a job!
Parents: Stop letting the TV and society raise your kids. They're yours, YOU take care of them. I also think it should be mandatory for black kids to know 2 foreign languages. Ebonics DOES NOT COUNT!
Black family: Family reunions should also been mandatory. This is a great networking opportunity and allows family to spend more time together and travel.
Black family: Every black family should travel overseas at least once every 2 years. I'm tired of kids not realizing this world is so much bigger than just their neighborhood.
GEDs = banned. High School Diploma is mandatory. If you don't want to go to school, you're going to be drafted into the military.
That’s all for now…pending approval by NRB!
You lost me on the pets... the NRB is just gonna have to drum me out of the race over that.
My cat is a pure indoor beastie, but he don't mess around- Zeke is a stone killer, sudden death in either paw. Mr. Mouse dropped by here... once. Found him in the corner where Zeke got tired of flippin' his little grey ass up in the air.
Also-- in some small defense, Mercedes is a legit woman's name, as is Portia (not Porsche, dammit).
Why is it so hard to not listen to R Kelly music for some people, I haven't bought an album from him since 12 Play. I never understood this whole R Kelly supposedly musical genius thing.
This is a FN original. One of those that you cut and paste for reference on another day when you want a laugh. Thanks, FN.
Speaking of Honda Civics, they're such a hot commodity right now that Honda sent me a letter this weekend wanting TO BUY MINE BACK, @ 115% Blue Book!
I really wish my sorry cable company had TV One. I have to watch all of the Black oldies but goodies on TV Land or the ONE time I watch BET: to watch A Different World.
Buffets are really gross to me, so no worries there.
Field,
The only thing missing this morning is the black coffee. You provided great laughter, as usual. Thanks.
The SUVs and high-priced gas is going to come to a boil. Eventually.
It's weird seeing such a storied snow white franchise like Boston win a championship with a core of black, field negroes. And see the entire city absolutely cheer it. The world is changing before our very eyes.
Line dancing, heh.
Negroes would no longer be allowed to give their children fucked up names from expensive products that they think sounds cool. Names like Porche, Mercedes, Alize, Champagne, Diamond, Jazz....--you all know what I am talking about---just ain't gonna cut it in the real world. That shit is seriously fucked up...."Ahh come on field that's not cool to call out people who might not know better. I know, that's why we have the NRB. Brilliant.
Good day.
Go on with your bad self, Field. One of the best posts I've read here. The NRB would be a great board on which to serve.
Yay on no BET, rocking the Obama vote/$25 donations, big trucks, gangsta leans, grown butt blacks buying PlayStations and video games -- and playing on them. I know a guy in his 50s who travels with his. Ain't got no job, ain't looking for no job, and as sorry as the day is long - doesn't even have a Good Enough Diploma (TM Chris Rock), and he's riding around in a borrowed Mexican truck with his PlayStation behind the seat.
Double yay on alley blacks naming their children brand and product names, and using children's SSNs.
Triple yay on not reading Ebony or Jet, neither of which have anything to offer anyway, plus you can read either while in the grocery store checkout line. Both are definitely lightweight reading.
Ditto re DL peeps, black or white. If there are women out here still indiscriminately fornicating using protection or not, there're words for it - desperate and foolish.
Yay on the R. Kelly ban; he's talented but he's not that talented that I have to listen to - or buy or bootleg - his music. Really, his negatives way out weigh his positives.
Don't have a pet now but I've owned several before, including fish and turtles. Nothing wrong with that as its been proven that they help with the stress factor. Don't own one now because I'd want either a cat or a dog, but I ain't laying hold of no pet bowel movement, whether inside the house or outside.
Always liked the Celtics, even when rooting for the Lakers; they've always hired black players and black coaches - KC Jones played with Bill Russell and also coached DJ, Parrish, Bird, McHale, and Ainge. Besides, racism ain't cool, even when condoned by the Negro Review Board.:)
Nothing and no one, not even the NRB, will ever get me to watch the way too pretentious O!'s show, no matter what.
"All You Can Eat" buffets are tricks anyway. Plus, they have too many rules.
The church age has been over for some years now, and there is a famine of hearing the Word of God in any church, as described in Amos 8:11. Besides, churchgoers are now merely merchandise as described in one of the Peter books in the New Testatment.
CP time is possibly genetic, so....
Ain't giving up the slide, no sirree, I ain't.
What gordon gartrelle, rikyrah, and blackwomenblowthetrumpet, among others, said.
BTW, Field, love your descriptive moniker for the Drama Queen Salty Dog ex-POW so much, I often use it. Mr. Morton indeed. Hee.
Men will be FORBIDDEN to wear a Do-Rag further the confines of their home. This does not include yard.
I have two cats. I'm not getting rid of them either. Not until the percentage of black children born to unwed mothers falls below 50%. Which means it's not gonna happen. They are my children.
Can I add one small item? And maybe this is just a Brooklyn NYC thing.
Can the NRB ban the phrases " I axed him...ax me if I care...can I ax you something...". When I hear that phrase I feel I really do need to get out the ax. How could this phrase not elicit laughter or scorn or both?
Field,
O/T but I thought you should know.
Anus in the Morning is at it again.
On the "Anus in the Morning" Monday, the asswipe radio host, Don Imus made a racially freighted comment about another African-American athlete.
During the show, conversation turned to a story about how suspended Dallas Cowboys cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones now wants to drop his well-known nickname. In the course of the segment, Imus is told that Jones has "been arrested six times since being drafted by Tennessee in 2005."
Imus asks: "What color is he?"
"He’s African-American," the host is informed by one of his on-air sidekicks.
"Well, there you go," Imus said.
He just can't stop with the racist remarks about Black people. I'm waiting to get word he attacked my tribe next up.
http://www.politico.com/blogs/michaelcalderone/0608/A_new_Imus_controversy.html
How you gon' weigh me, Field?
LOL
And Kobe Bryant would have to give all his endorsements to Polite Stewart, Jr.!
I'm proud to have given to you the idea of the Negro Review Board that is responsible for overseeing the Rules of Correct Negro Living.
However, since I am no doubt one of the commenters you'd like to kick to the curb, you can't have it. Unless you pay royalties. And if I ever get my blog going again, I will be using it. Because I also think it is rather clever.
Yuu are welcome.
Might I add a few of my own?
Brothers may no longer wear flappy, floral, knee length cabana pants with matching shirts. The shite is C-O-R-N-Y. If seen wearing this attire with sandals and white socks, they should be taken directly to country lockup.
No sister should wear sit below the waist pants unless she weighs under 100 pounds. There should be a constitutional amendment banning the sale of below the waist pants for queen sized women.
Names like Porche, Mercedes, Alize, Champagne, Diamond, Jazz
how 'bout i just met a kid named "Courvoisier". now that's a new one for me. I had to ask him to come again. ha!
(he's the sweetest kid, btw)
I was annoyed with some of the GED posts, but remembered that the black blogosphere is still predominately bourgeois and classist. So naturally there's going to be some comments where the GED is attacked for the usual and typical reasons.
- From a blogger who holds a GED.
The NRB does not believe in taking away hook ups.
Oh, I just peeped this. no, the "hook-up" should be banned completely! I'm sick of it being used by the most trifling, negligent and downright lazy amongst us to get some undeserved favor. absolutely no! this privilege will only be restored when everyone among us recognizes that the hook-up is just that--a privilege and not a right.
thank you field...
i have had the worst day and you have made me laugh out loud...
i can go and cook my supper in a good mood...
(you should never eat food cooked by someone in a bad mood.. did you know that?)
i do hope you are thinking of hiring women for the nrb..
i would like to head uk office.. england specially is getting slacker by the day....
Congrats to Polite, even though his name is a problem. He better earn all the degrees he can because that name on a resume is going into many a white-owned corporation trash can!
How about any black man over 25 still trying to make a professional sports team?
Fining black folks for using ebonics, double negatives and made up words.
Any sister that allows a man to break back the passenger seat of her car, so he can lean back.
And no NRB or not, I'm keeping my tattoos, my dog, and my suv, I have money management skills which black people need to pick up. You can have things, if you don't blow your money on dumb stuff.
And I will never cheer for the Celtics, I went to college in Boston. Those brothers are only in as long as they win, losing they are over-paid Negroes.
And stop listening to R. Kelly should have been at the top of the list. And I'll let someone tell me about watching Oprah when brothers stop watching Michael Baison's ignorant ass.
Since we're adding to the list:
Ladies, let's NOT dye our hair BLOND - I know it was mentioned in an earlier post regarding hair color but, just in case it wasn't understood the first time. It's not really a good look.
Kool Aid, Tang, orange, grape and fruit sodas are not really good options for any occasion. 45's aren't a good option either. There are too many other choices that won't say "ghetto".
Cheese Puffs...No one really wants to see you eat them. It's just not that attractive.
And finally, the word is SHRIMP NOT "SHRIMPS" - I don't care if there's just one or thousands. It's still SHRIMP.
Men: When a woman turns your great offer down for companionship, it's not that she's being "bitchy". It may be due to the obvious fact that you're wearing a wife beater, your underwear is showing, your toof is gold/silver, your do-rag has too many colors and your bike is too small for the bof of you. Just something to ponder...
I thought Obama was already a one-man negro review board.
LMAO @ Anon 1:32pm!
I co-sign completely and can I pleeeeease reiterate on the grown men wearing braids? If you are over 10 yrs old it begins to look a little ridiculous. If you are over 18 you need a swift kick in the arse. It's not a good look, step your game up.
can I pleeeeease reiterate on the grown men wearing braids?
A little cross-cultural anecdote...I was on a South African Airways flight last year and there was a black male flight attendant who had cornrow extensions in his hair. His comportment was completely professional, but his hair initially was a little off-putting to my American eyes.
Y'all going to hear from Big Man over at Raving Black Lunatic about this one, because he's gotten on me about this:
NRB - Thou shalt not place so many tattoos on your ass that thou looketh like a road map.
And I co-sign on the braids, and the suit. Not a good look at all. But I've gotten used to a brotha with a diamond stud IN ONE EAR. Both ears looks to feminine, bruh.
Hi Field:
I like the post and thought it was funny. However, I have to say that my niece's name is Diamond and I do not have a problem with it as unlike Turreyah you can at least spell Diamond. In addition, Mercedes is a name that means merciful, Porsche means offering, and Diamond means brilliant gem or bright guardian. Diamond believe or not is a unisex name in that parents can give the name to their male or female child. These are bonafide names have part of the lexicon for centuries, in addition have meaning. Now I do not know about Alize and Champagne and why would anyone name their child after achololic beverage.
Now I have some little peeves to add to the NRB list:
Negros should read books other than Zane or Urban Street lit.
Negros should not hit or curse at their children in public.
Negros should not perform histronics when he or she received regular chicken and not spicy chicken at Popeyes.
Negros should not buy a $500 outfit for a $25.00 event.
"For every pound that you go over 200 you would be charged an extra dollar for your meal."
That's rough for tall people. My ideal weight is over 200 lb.
WCS, you know you will get your royalties fam. Those quotation marks around NRB means it's not mine :) BTW,there are a whole lot of folks on the www who owe me a check too.
And damn you all have some good shit for the NRB to review. I see a book in here somewhere. And of course some of you are throwing your own personal pet peeves into the mix, but it's cool.
"how 'bout i just met a kid named "Courvoisier".
Esther swear on your mamma that sh** is true :)
brother komrade, i agree with you. a A GED is legit., in fact,folks get props for getting one. So I disagre with ms. aja on that one.
Okay hennasplace, you got me. I will take a second look at Diamond.
Christopher, i saw that crap with I-nut. Can you believe it? I guess that old leopard ain't changing his spots.
This cracked me up -
"Negros should not perform histronics when he or she received regular chicken and not spicy chicken at Popeyes."
Sorry Henna's Place, but I have a male student named Diamond and it just doesn't work for me. Names should be carefully thought about and black folks don't always do that.
I want no more names with "La" or "Ra" in front of them, even as middle names. And don't name your children after cars. I stopped teaching K-12 because of all the girls named Lexus. I even had one named Camyrie, a so-called cute re-working of Camry. Sigh....
If you can't find your child's name on those mini-licenses plates that get sold at Disneyland, you taking a risk.
1. You forgot the banning of the Hip Hop industry and all related activities IMMEDIATELY!. No exceptions.
2. Make education cool again in your so-called "Black Community".
3. No wearing pants below the ass...showing underwear. No more prison culture bull----.
4. The complete banning of ebonics. Learning English would be mandatory. Once English is mastered...then they can create their own secret language if they wish... but English first.
5. Ban BET from all Negro Households IMMEDIATELY!
6. All Negroes should be required to learn Civics/International Studies by taking a certain number of these Courses in High School and College. No more narrow view of the outside world that seldom goes beyond the "neighborhood" & the World of Hip Hop. American Blacks will quickly be left behind in the new global community.
7. Banning the Congressional Black Caucus and take the biggest frauds from that group of Hustlers into custody.
8. No more ignorant rap music blarring from car stereos. Such activity should be grounds for arrest.
9. Put an end to the ignorant negro custom automobile culture. It's disgusting. I guess this falls under #1...but I wanted to be more specific on this one. Black thug idiots are obsessed with spending money on these custom vehicles while they can't keep up with their child support. And the vehicles look plain stupid anyway. But I guess it's a "Black Thing".
10. Ban these stupid braids/cornrows....whatever you call that bull----. Bonafide Rastas & Stevie Wonder can be exempt however.
11. And yes.... I am a dissenter who actually wouldn't mind being thrown out. That might be a good thing. In fact, I would like to ask the NRB to provide provisions that would allow Blacks like myself to petition for divorce from the Race. Can you send me the paperwork?
For some folks, so-called "Blackness" or being associated with the gutter culture simply by virtue of having brown skin....is seen as a large weight around the ankles. In my case, more like a large weight around my neck. And the shackles are starting to leave burn marks/rashes. But that's just me.
I can recall all the times when I have gone on job interviews and one of the first things they asked is "Have you been arrested"...and some have repeatedly asked. When I applied for the police dept many years ago.... the Black Sgt. reviewing my application didn't believe me when I said I never had any run-ins with law enforcement, never been arrested, etc because I guess he got so many applicants who had some sort of record of Police contact. But he harped... "Are you telling me that you've never been arrested?". Even though there was nothing about my dress (always dress sharp), demeanor, communication, etc that would indicate that I had been arrested, was a thug, etc etc etc.
Field... as a fancy attorney living good in Philly, perhaps you don't see these things. You are a successful "professional". But for those of us who haven't quite "made it" yet, this shit is annoying. I think when you reach a certain level of success...you can cut the Ball and Chain of "Blackness" from your neck.
I see why people flip out and create huge CNN breaking news stories... I haven't reached the point of going postal yet though.
Negroes over 21 would no longer be allowed to buy PlayStation's or any similar video games. Think about it.
>>>>>>>>>>No you think about it I'm 52 and it's just me and the wife, and you would be amazed at the amount of time we spend with our xbox, and playstation, I've saved enought money at home playing games until I can almost afford a PS-3, My first game was given to me by my kids, for my 49th Birthday and I've been hooked ever since.There nothing like playing the grandkids in Halo or someother game and winning.
Jusus
I'm forwarding this to everyone I know; this was too funny!
Now on the name thing. I agree 100%! I am sick of seeing beautiful little Black girls with names that are oh wee ugly. I believe it you want to know how old a child's mother was when she had him/her, look at the child's name.
I remember one Valentine's Day seeing an ad placed in the local paper wishing De'Vious a Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah.
Ok Field since you went there, men, black men should no longer wear no kind of ear rings in their ears.
Hold up...Ebony pays homage to the HBCU College Queens ere year, and the 30 under 30 great achievers....I love those issues and demand you retract that we no longer read Ebony - if only for those particular subject matters....oh, and you might as well hang up the thought about Jet....I know guys from FAMU that STILL have every Jet beauty of the week since 1974 in a fire-proof safe..they will continue to collect those and pass them down to their sons...I swear...some have this collection in their wills.
Pssst! (Whispering to Field) Okay, so you had to go and interrupt granny stirring the pot up a little bit. (smile) Alright, I give. I guess I'll add my little bit to the board, in old people's fashion.
So, would you please add:
Our children should not be allowed to think that their parents are banks.
Our children should not be allowed to think that their parents are built in babysitter 24/7.
Our children who moved back in with their parents to save money to buy a house, should not be allowed to go buy a brand new car or other luxury items, until they move, and should be fined if they do.
Our children should not be allowed to sit back and watch their children tear up their parents house, while theirs stays spotless or out of disorder whatever the case may be.
Our children should not think that after they've moved out of their parents house that their mother is obligation to them is maid and cook.
There should be a law against women who try to squeeze their size 10 foot in a 7 1/2 shoe.
There should be a law against women who big toe is hanging over their tip of their shoe.
There should be a law against rappers and young men holding their crotch in public.
Don't be a hater, you know the electric slide is the sh*t lol
I know Field posted this as a snarky "joke", but the whole "I'm blacker than thou" gag is as old as well....anything.
Didn't the movie CB4 really crush this joke and thus render any other spin on it irrelevant?
"I'm black, y'all! I'm black, ya'll! I'm bliggety, black, black to the blackety, black, black..."
Esther swear on your mamma that sh** is true :)
if I'm lying i'm flying! it made me think of that joint that diddy and busta did a few years ago. everytime someone'd call the kid's name I'd hum the little riff from the song to myself. lol!
Don't be a hater, you know the electric slide is the sh*t lol
Yep, at graduation parties, weddings, reunions (family, class, and otherwise) the e-slide is always the jump-off. of course, the cha-cha slide is the newer variation; there's an even newer slide that my friend's mom tried to teach me (the cupid slide, I believe it's called. lol, that my friend's late 50something-year-old MOM was trying to teach me!).
I'm not gonna front; I love doing the cha-cha slide (in moderation though, meaning once a year).
Professor Tracy:
I know that Diamond may not have worked for because he happened to male, but it is name. Diamond is also a surname. I have brother named Darwin, cousin named Homer, my mother's name was Chestina, and my grandmother's was Australia. Yes my grandmother was named after the continent. What runs across the mind of some parents when they named their children is a mystery to me, I am still wondering why anyone would name their son Elmer Hawkins, but they did. Yes names give us identity, but we also have to remember whether or not we become the people we need. I have a middle name that no one knows other than my family members and a few of my friends. It's Dingaka.
That's right Dingaka which I have happen to love because I know that it means. It means Great Forest, and she got the name from a movie with the same name. It's a really good movie made in 1965. The story is about a tribesman who avenges the murder of his daughter to custom tribal laws. Now this leads him to be tried under government laws, where justice for black people does not exist.
You are right professor, some parents should more thought into their children's name because it's the name they will carry to the grave. Look at Thoroughgood Marshall (his name was shortened to Thurgood in the second grade) and he turned out alright. Which poses an interesting question, can a name make us or break us?
Yeah the big SUV's with the big tires and rims need to go. The only exception is a working man who actually uses his truck/SUV to haul stuff, move stuff...in other words actually use it for work, rather than to "stunt" and pick up "rim-chasers".
There's one...ladies, stop chasing rims.
Field you are too COLD! Taking away BET, Jet and Ebony? Like Wow! I hear you though. BET hasn't been relevant since Donnie Simpson got the ax. Now the programming is just downright disgraceful (A Hot Ghetto Mess). Point taken about line dancing also. Every time more than five of us are at a function, we start doing, what Martin Lawrence refers to as "The Ghetto Hokey Pokey". I agree, no more "Bootie Calls", Electric Slides, etc.
"Don't be a hater, you know the electric slide is the sh*t lol"
Okay, I am a hater, because I can't do that s**t. Every time I try it I end up going the wrong way. So as head of the NRB, it has to go :)
grannystanding..thanks for the older and wiser perspective.
Okay Miranda, that ONE Ebony issue will get a pass.
"Negros should not perform histronics when he or she received regular chicken and not spicy chicken at Popeyes."
Now hold up damn it...I have been one of those Negroes. This is stil allowed under NRB rules :)
AI, I feel you on the hip hop thing, and you know where I stand on that issue. But you are right, there is a large element in that entire culture who make it hard for the rest of us.
And no, I am not immune from the BS on a daily basis. I am just as black as the next black man charged with committing a crime on the evening news when some folks see me cominig.
I know a girl named Tanguerray. This is actually true.
Gotta leave my two cents...
I usually agree with most, but gotta break free on some
I watch BET, the cool programs. Guess what, for all of you that wouldn't tune into BET News, Linc's and all other better cultural fare that has been on, that means that they can't charge advertisers. Kids watch the booty shake, it huge #s. That's why it's still there.
Please read Ebony. They have made very significant changes and have really improved the product. Again, if you don't read, they can't charge advertisers, it goes away. Pretty soon, all we'll have is Essence and wack ass Vibe.
It's actually easy to stop listening to R. Kelly, he's a rapist.
You know damn well the NRB would be at least 1/2 female. It may be a stock photo, but Getty's images has thousands. Seriously.
Everything else is cool. Except for the media contact list. Most of those people are not in those positions anymore. That list is at least 5+ years old.
~
No spinning wheel covers on Funeral Cars: hearses, and limousines
`
"Everything else is cool. Except for the media contact list. Most of those people are not in those positions anymore. That list is at least 5+ years old."
Thanks media gurl, but I do believe that some of the contact info is still good. And the sistas on the NRB are seriously camera shy ;)
"know a girl named Tanguerray. This is actually true."
eva, I have met one too :)
"The Ghetto Hokey Pokey". ?
pjazzypar, stop it!
westcoast from a previous post: "It seems that black folks need to go before the Negro Review Board before they adopt, color their hair, marry, donate money, buy a home, take a job, etc, etc. to make sure it is all in accordance with the Negro Rules of Correct Living."
West I do recall responding to this part of your previous post so FN YOU NEED TO PAY THE MAN!
BTW, this reminds me of the "Stuff White People Like" blog that FN pointed out some weeks back. I showed it to one of my white gal pals and she nearly peed her pants laughing!
My Mexican gal pal says the same thing about her people--she will nearly bust a vein when she sees little Mexican girls wearing white church shoes with their play clothes at the park.
I'm also reminded of the hotghettomess site that displayed some devastating images of black people.
I guess we have to laugh in order to keep from crying when we see some of this foolishness.
Okay so here are a couple more for the ladies:
1) Please refrain from adding false nails to your toes unless you have experienced some type of debilitating foot fungus that requires correction/camoflauge--long fake toe nails are impractical and dangerous!
2) Please refrain from adding colorful/glittery/shiny false lashes to your own--the whole point of putting on lashes is to accentuate your eyes not scare the living daylights out of small children and elderly folks--let's keep Halloween to one day a year!
Things for the NRB to consider:
For better health for black folks, please ban:
1. Newport cigarettes (killing us)
2. Chitterlings, ham hocks, hog mauls, pork rinds, fatback, cracklin'. (Just don't do it)
3. Crack. (Do not need to mention all the adverse effects)
4. Leaving kids in the car while you run in the store, or the salon to get your nails/hair did, or the club, etc. (Your kids could wind up dead or in the custody of Child Protective Services)
5. Kiddie Perms and Kiddie weaves are out! (Don't do that to a child's hair, that's soooo not right.)
Can you say Facism??
Well, I guess I'd be revoked. No big surprise. According to the Stuff White People Like website, I'm more white than black anyway...
ha ha ha
I second the ban of Kiddie Perms & Weaves! That don't make no kinda sense.
Sigh....
You are a credit to theblack race. Not really.
You simply take useless rhetoric that white people hate about us, and repeat it. If you were remotley as intelligent as you assumed you were you'd lead by example and shut the fuck up.
~Broncey
Hmmm. . . I wonder. . . would that work for white people? A WRB? Whitey Review Board.
They'd need an even keeled hillbilly like me in charge. . . gotta consider this.
We could certainly stand to bring a little dignity to our race.
Field, why oh why would you want to take our games?
Say you come home from work, turn on the news and see a myraid of horrible things happening to black folks. You get angry, you need to vent, so you turn on the game system and tear a new one in some virtual ass. It feels so good.
Now if you are in debt up to your eyeballs, aren't taking care of your kids, and have the nerve to buy a 400+ gaming system its a different kind of party.
1.”Well, let's start with the obvious, and what triggered me thinking this way in the first place: Black television. You Negroes would no longer be allowed to watch BET. If you are going to watch a black station on television, it would have to be TVOne.”
Oh here we go once again with the same regurgitated, biased, nonsense again. You mind as well say "Black Evil Television" or protest in from of Deborah Lee's home or call Reggie Hudlin a sellout. And please dont bring up "they are displaying negative images of blacks" but at the same time MTV is just as guilty with Gay White Males. Or matter of fact television in general. Try again.
2.”You Negroes would have to vote for Barack Obama, and you would have to donate at least $25 to his campaign. I think that's happening anyway, but that shit would be required or you would lose your Negro card”
So basically you are saying that as black people we are sellouts if we dont vote for obama? Listen man dont post nonsense such as this with your typical biased opinion of being a black dem just stop it. And no I am not repub by the way I am a member of the CSP.
3.”If I ran the NRB Negroes could not have house pets. That is for white folks. Besides, times are tough. We are having a hard enough time feeding the humans in our families.”
Can I smell racism in this post? I think you need to re-read your post. I think that is a run on sentence.
4.”You Negroes would have to stop driving big ass trucks. We would prefer if you get a nice compact. (Do you know how stupid you look rolling down the highway in your big ass Denali sitting on twenties with gas selling at $4.50 a gallon? Get your ass a nice Honda Civic or some shit like that. There is nothing corny about saving money.”
Finally something we agree with for moment there I thought you were going to say something stupid again. To "tofuback" (vegan version of "piggyback") I think that it isnt fresh at all spending the type of money on huge trucks such as those. But I just realized something you sir just did a negative stereotype. Isnt that your same complaint about BET so you should stop posting.
5.”Negroes over 21 would no longer be allowed to buy PlayStation's or any similar video games. Think about it.”
Well excuse me if I enjoy playing games every so often. You are aware that the average age of gamers is 33 right? How many under 21 year old could afford it? Not alot. go to this link sir http://www.theesa.com/facts/pdfs/ESA_EF_2007.pdf
Go to page 4 and it completely negates your opinion. You sir have failed badly.
6.”The NRB would not allow Negroes to drop another dime into the offering plate unless the pastor could show them where the money is going. (And it can't be a building fund for the church. The building the church is in now looks just fine.”
Hmm i do agree to an extent. I also dont like the "first fruits" as well. I dont really like how many churches are in the shitty low income neighborhoods and it is clearly the only good looking building. Why bother building another church? To get more souls saved? Maybe it would have been a better idea to use the money to help the church get bigger and use it to improve the neighborhood. But to each his own. I already know that a high and mighty child of god is going to say something.
7.”Negroes would no longer be allowed to give their children fucked up names from expensive products that they think sounds cool. Names like Porche, Mercedes, Alize, Champagne, Diamond, Jazz....--you all know what I am talking about---just ain't gonna cut it in the real world. That shit is seriously fucked up...."Ahh come on field that's not cool to call out people who might not know better. I know, that's why we have the NRB.”
Well it is better than having some of last name that was given and past down to generations from random slave masters.
8.”And speaking of fucked up things to do to your kids; Negroes would no longer be allowed to use their children's social security numbers for shit. No child should owe over $30,000 for a new car before they are six....
“
huh? why is this a black thing? man shut the fuck up idiot!
9.”All Negroes would be weighed before entering all you can eat buffet joints. For every pound that you go over 200 you would be charged an extra dollar for your meal. I am sorry to single you Negroes out for this form of food discrimination, but let's face it, we have some serious health issues that other folks don't have.”
it is a bit extreme but at the same time we as a people need to get our bodies in check. it is sad that many of us are overweight. we need a better diet. (you see how simple i stated the issue without hurting others use it)
10.”You Negroes would not be allowed to read Ebony or Jet anymore. Those mags are no longer required reading for Negroes. You would now be allowed to read damn near anything else you want to though. Not that it will make any difference, because some of you Negroes really hate to read. What's that old racist saying? "If you want to hide something from a nigger put it in a book"?”
Im starting to think that you are some white guy who is making it seems he is black.
11.” We would allow you to cheer for the Celtics now. They have a black coach and more brothers on the team than the Lakers, so it's cool.”
huh?
12.”We would prefer if you were out in the open and not on the DL. That DL stuff is having some consequences.”
Also posting something stupid has the same effect like what a number of people (especially what Im doing to you)
13.”As head of the NRB, I would make sure that my black sisters know that it's cool to continue watching Oprah for now. But that could change. Just listen out for further announcements from the NRB.
“
Black sisters just ignore the clown
14.”Black folks would be told that it's no longer cool to listen to R-Kelly. I know I know, that one is hard. --I was just rocking "Hair braider" on my IPod myself-- But damn it, we must take a stand.”
hmmm i kind of agree i mean a number of people is making a pedo rich but complain about the pedo down the street is funny to me.
15.”Speaking of music: all line dancing would be banned from future black events! NO EXCEPTIONS!”
hmmm i guess you're talking about the electric slide. hey i dont see a problem.
16.”Black folks would be told that we don't have a clear cut leader, so it's still cool to call Rev. Inc. if they get in trouble.
“
That is the one thing i will never understand. why the constant running over for the opinion of al sharpton CNN?
17.”Black folks would be told that it's still alright if they run a little late for appointments. It's called CP time. That's a built in hook up that we have. The NRB does not believe in taking away hook ups.”
fool!
and oh by the way i have saved me a copy of this on word on my flash drive just in case you delete it
No brother with a waistline wider than his chest should wear a wifebeater in public.
Brothers should be given a hypocrite fine for saying that black men who wear sandels or flip flops are not manly, yet they themselves are wearing prison bride jeans with their ass showing
Please do away with the terms good hair and pretty hair.
Sisters please do not claim to be a proud black women, and then only go out in public wearing weaves, and extensions trying to look like Cher, circa 1971. Also since when did blonde hair include colors that look like orange soda and russian dressing.
Pretty sad to put out all these negative things about black people.Lets face facts,all american blacks are damaged goods.Our time of glory was long ago.The race was defeated & enslaved.We are all just wasted used up,blind,lost in a land that was never meant to accept or encourage our people to flourish.So go on with your fancy educational degrees & brain full of white peoples education,white mans pretty english falling from your college educated lips.America is hell & blacks like me have never felt alive in this enviroment anyway.dont even get me started on you bible church going negroes.that same book & same christian relegion you emulate condoned your enslavement."talk about clinging to guns & relegion.i hate the fact that i dont know the true language of my people.due to some lazy white!muther uffer.how dare you all for trying to take away the ignorance that ignorance taught,let people escape from the hell you refuse to realize your a part off.
"Pretty sad to put out all these negative things about black people.Lets face facts,all american blacks are damaged goods.Our time of glory was long ago.The race was defeated & enslaved.We are all just wasted used up,blind,lost in a land that was never meant to accept or encourage our people to flourish.So go on with your fancy educational degrees & brain full of white peoples education,white mans pretty english falling from your college educated lips.America is hell & blacks like me have never felt alive in this enviroment anyway.dont even get me started on you bible church going negroes.that same book & same christian relegion you emulate condoned your enslavement."talk about clinging to guns & relegion.i hate the fact that i dont know the true language of my people.due to some lazy white!muther uffer.how dare you all for trying to take away the ignorance that ignorance taught,let people escape from the hell you refuse to realize your a part off"
Wow and I agree very strongly. It pisses me off sometimes when I think about who the fuck are my ancestors? Why were my family of my past brought here!? For what fucking reason!? What tribe are they from? What Religion did they speak? What customs was considered "savage" to Christianty and Islam? All I do know is that my family in both sides started in jamaica and suffox county, VA (my pops found a bill of sale regarding the first slaves sold in the area.) I am determined to get my money up to buy that fucking land! I dont give a fuck how much it cost dammit that shit is mine anyway
"hus agent", report to the NRB headquarters immediately!!
We have something to give you. We promise it won't hurt.
Hurry!
Hey Field,
I am all down for the NRB.... but we both know that the NRB needs a faction that will "encourage" our Brothers and Sisters to "do the right thang" once a fair and just decision has been made regarding the "offending behavior". That's why I am suggesting that that the NRB sanction a persuasive arm ..You KNOW a...."NRB Drop Squad" something that will help the folks see the error of their ways. I realize that this can be a very dangerous and thankless job BUT I AM WILLING TO VOLUNTEER to DROP SQUAD a few Brothers and Sisters for the Cause.
Nothing to horrific just start out with the reading of The Mis-Education of the Negro......
No Im good.
My niece's name is Diamon, she is beautiful! but I guess you'd prefer Julie or Brittany or Jennifer
Our original language is Arabic, they named the whole country after our common name of AMIR--the portuguese enslaved us first calling us negroes (blacks--the english dropped the O) the Portuguese spoke a Spanish slang ICA
AMIR-ICA
what does "SMH" and "YT" mean?
and I have 2 say that some of you specifically HUS and some of the ANONYMOUS posters are so lost it's sad...Nobody on this blog said we wanted to be "MORE WHITE LIKE"
Infact we call for our own people to change their ways DESPITE the fact that other ethnicities do equally detrimental things. We need to worry about our own people and stop basing our behavior on what others do. Especially since we know history and know first hand the type of s**t other people do. SECONDLY RACE IS A SOCIALLY CONSTRUCTED IDEA. It is made up concept (this is obvious when one looks at the way "blacks" can be very light and still be "black" and "hispanics" can be darker than some blacks" and italian "whites" can be darker than some "hispanics"
The concept was specifically created by early europeans to justify the inferiority of specific peoples based on their outside appearance in order to then justify enslaving them.
NOW the fact that you associate such things as ("being educated, speaking proper english, and NOT NAMING A CHILD A NAME THAT AUTOMATICALLY HINDERS ANY CHANCE THEY HAVE OF NOT BEING STEREOTYPED AND DENIED OPPORTUNITIES") being white, says a lot about ur mindset. Think about this: there are more POOR WHITES in this country than there are people of color. I doubt they all SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH, READ BOOKS and NAME THEIR CHILDREN SENSIBILITY...NOW what do u call their behavior? ACTING BLACK?
ANONYMOUS posters are so lost
not lost,honest is a better word.It all comes back to white people,remember we arent even supposed to be in this country.We are the only ones here against our will.the only group who has a right to hate crackers more,are the american indians,the real american for fathers.
Hus agent is one sick MF.
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