I was trying to do some work today and I kept getting interrupted by Mrs. Field's laughter. I got up to see what she found so funny on the television, and it turns out she was watching an old Cosby flick on TVOne. Which go me to thinking: does any black person over thirty even watch BET anymore?
And then there were the comments some of you folks left after my post about the Wares adopting what seems to be a little white baby. And that got me to thinking as well: What if there really was a "Negro Review Board" and I was heading it? Just what would be the do's and don'ts and the the ins and outs for you Negroes?
Well, let's start with the obvious, and what triggered me thinking this way in the first place: Black television. You Negroes would no longer be allowed to watch BET. If you are going to watch a black station on television, it would have to be TVOne.
You Negroes would have to vote for Barack Obama, and you would have to donate at least $25 to his campaign. I think that's happening anyway, but that shit would be required or you would lose your Negro card.
If I ran the NRB Negroes could not have house pets. That is for white folks. Besides, times are tough. We are having a hard enough time feeding the humans in our families.
You Negroes would have to stop driving big ass trucks. We would prefer if you get a nice compact. (Do you know how stupid you look rolling down the highway in your big ass Denali sitting on twenties with gas selling at $4.50 a gallon? Get your ass a nice Honda Civic or some shit like that. There is nothing corny about saving money.
And speaking of driving down the highway: Negroes would have to stop leaning to the side when they are driving their whips. That shit does not look cool. It's stupid. And if you are pushing a whip that costs less than your tires and your rims, the shit is really whack.
Negroes over 21 would no longer be allowed to buy PlayStation's or any similar video games. Think about it.
The NRB would not allow Negroes to drop another dime into the offering plate unless the pastor could show them where the money is going. (And it can't be a building fund for the church. The building the church is in now looks just fine.
Negroes would no longer be allowed to give their children fucked up names from expensive products that they think sounds cool. Names like Porche, Mercedes, Alize, Champagne, Diamond, Jazz....--you all know what I am talking about---just ain't gonna cut it in the real world. That shit is seriously fucked up...."Ahh come on field that's not cool to call out people who might not know better. I know, that's why we have the NRB.
And speaking of fucked up things to do to your kids; Negroes would no longer be allowed to use their children's social security numbers for shit. No child should owe over $30,000 for a new car before they are six....
All Negroes would be weighed before entering all you can eat buffet joints. For every pound that you go over 200 you would be charged an extra dollar for your meal. I am sorry to single you Negroes out for this form of food discrimination, but let's face it, we have some serious health issues that other folks don't have.
You Negroes would not be allowed to read Ebony or Jet anymore. Those mags are no longer required reading for Negroes. You would now be allowed to read damn near anything else you want to though. Not that it will make any difference, because some of you Negroes really hate to read. What's that old racist saying? "If you want to hide something from a nigger put it in a book"?
We would allow you to cheer for the Celtics now. They have a black coach and more brothers on the team than the Lakers, so it's cool.
We would prefer if you were out in the open and not on the DL. That DL stuff is having some consequences.
As head of the NRB, I would make sure that my black sisters know that it's cool to continue watching Oprah for now. But that could change. Just listen out for further announcements from the NRB.
Black folks would be told that it's no longer cool to listen to R-Kelly. I know I know, that one is hard. --I was just rocking "Hair braider" on my IPod myself-- But damn it, we must take a stand.
Speaking of music: all line dancing would be banned from future black events! NO EXCEPTIONS!!
Black folks would be told that we don't have a clear cut leader, so it's still cool to call Rev. Inc. if they get in trouble.
Black folks would be told that it's still alright if they run a little late for appointments. It's called CP time. That's a built in hook up that we have. The NRB does not believe in taking away hook ups.
Finally, dissenters like some of the smart alecky commenters here could be thrown out of the race. You would have to petition the NRB to be reinstated, and that could take awhile. Trust me, you don't want to spend years of your life looking like a Negro but not being a part of our race....although I suspect that many of you living in A-merry-ca already know that feeling.
**FYI, the picture used for this post is not meant to be a true representation or likeness of the NRB. It's just a stock photo of some brothers looking important. **