Alright I am going to be a little messy with this post. But hey, I wouldn't be me if I didn't keep it real with you. Now you see the picture I have up with this post right? That is DeMarcus Ware (a very fine football player with some serious skills) and his lovely wife Taniqua, with their newly adopted baby, Marley ( I love the name for obvious reasons). But...okay, let's keep it 100%. Do you mean to tell me that the Wares couldn't have found a little black baby to adopt?
I mean honestly, like WTF? And please don't tell me that the baby in the picture could be black, or Mexican, or whatever. I know that. But....come on now.
Still, there is a serious side to this post. Honestly, Mrs. Field and I are considering adopting down the line, so when I see stories about adoptions, I pay attention. And apparently the Wares had three failed pregnancies and a young son who was stillborn. So I really do feel their pain, and I sympathize with what they had to go through. But come on now; there are thousands and thousands of black children in the foster care system who need good solid homes and loving couples who will take care of them. Couples like the Wares. Unfortunately, not enough professional black folks who can afford to adopt, go that route, and it's a shame. That is an option we should always consider. In the previous post we damn near all agreed that there is a crisis in our communities with many black families. Many of them being held down by single parents. But what about the scenarios where none of the parents are around, and the poor children are forced to bounce around in state agencies? Shouldn't we be trying to help those kids as well? And to be fair to the Wares, they have said that they will probably adopt foster kids in the future, and that they will do charity work with similar agencies, so we will see.
I have a white colleague who tried to adopt a little African American boy and he was discouraged from doing it. He is still pissed about that shit. Apparently black social workers and psychiatrist don't think that's such a cool thing for white folks to go adopting little black kids. Something about fucking up their minds culturally. I won't get into that right now, but there is a post in there down the road.
In spite of that, white folks adopt little black kids all the time. (See Angelina and Brad) Primarily because there is such a shortage of little white ones. So much so that the biggest import to this country from places like Russia and China for awhile were those beautiful little bundles of joy. But black folks adopting little white babies? Come on now. Ya think Taniqua played with white dolls when she was a little girl? Oh stop it field you are such an asshole. Yeah, I know, but the guy is a stinking Cowboy. (Digression alert)
Let me stop, I don't want to be mean to DeMarcus and Taniqua. Besides DeMarcus is a big boy, I don't feel like going even one round with his big ass.
Anyway, all the best DeMarcus and Taniqua. And don't worry, at least you got the name right.
h/t Deidra Robey over at the Afrospear for hipping me to this story.
123 comments:
Good for them. Those fertility treatments are really expensive. If this helps pave the way for more trans-racial adoption then good! I have a feeling more Black children will be placed in loving homes if the system stops barring it. It's not like there's a stampede of Black people ready to scoop up all the abandoned and abused Black children. I looked into the history of the emphasis with blocking whites from adopting Black children - the 60's & 70's, biased Moynahan report, blah blah blah, Black women were getting blamed even back then. You know to be honest the negativity and victimhood amongst so many Black people is not something that should be passed on anymore. Make sure no one is obviously abusive or in the Klan and let these kids get some love. It is criminal to force kids to stay in a system that kicks them out between 18-21 with $50 and a bus ticket just to make a political statement.
Lemme break something down for you Field- although you are smarter than me, and I told you to Go to Hell on my blog....
All that glitters is not gold. They might be trying to raise another Josh Packwood (the white guy who was valedictorian of Morehouse last month). The Ware couple could be trying to indoctrinate some multi-cultural values into this kid who might not have received them anywhere else. Plus, it's about the love you have for a child not your tolerance for their skin tone.
But back to the all that glitters is not gold statement. They might be a dysfunctional couple. Taniqua might spend all day doing DeMarcus' laundry looking for telephone numbers. On the other hand, he might be behind this adoption to keep her busy while he collects telephone numbers.
And you're right. Most folks can't afford to adopt. So, just be happy for them if you can. But that would require coolin' off from working in the Fields. Heat stroke can not be cured by drinking Hatorade. [ZING}
It is a peculiar choice.
That baby isn't White. It's more than likely bi-racial.
I have two girlfriends: One Black, One Hispanic. The Black Sista adopted, and she was given a bi-racial baby...that looks EXACTLY like my Latino friend's daughter.
I mean EXACTLY, except for the bi-racial baby has curlier hair.
I don't believe they adopted a White baby. My money's on the kid being bi-racial.
But, um, I could launch into an entire theme of how this looks like colorism, because I'm FEELING YOU, FN.
I'm very pro-adoption, and sigh, I just know that there is a little chocolate baby that was passed up.
POlitically IN-correct, but true.
This family WILL get stares..LOL
hmmmm...Might there be a story behind the story? Maybe this child was borne of someone that they both know (friend/relative) who was not able to care for her for whatever reason, You just never know.
If not, they most likely became immediately attached to this baby upon meeting her and it became hard to forget about her and let her go.
They really don't need a socially acceptable reason to offer the beautiful gift of a loving home to this child or any other. That's reason enough.
FN,
While I understand the sentiment of your post, I truly believe that
healthy couples/families of all sorts s/b allowed to adopt the child of their choice.
You also mentioned that they plan to adopt foster kids in the future so maybe their ultimate hope is to parent a melting pot of kids in their household.
More on the Ware adoption from Sunday's NYT:
Then fate intervened. That week, while Ware was picking up his car after repairs at a dealership in Grapevine, Tex., he struck up a conversation with its business manager, Justin Norwood. Months earlier, when Ware bought the car, he noticed photographs of Norwood’s adopted son on the wall.
And now, after Ware had missed practice that week for what the team called “personal medical reasons,” Norwood inquired about the pregnancy. Ware told him the news, and their conversation turned to adoption.
Norwood’s father, Jim, the pastor of Oakcrest Family Church in Kennedale, Tex., runs a ministry program for women. A few days later, Norwood called the Wares to say that his father knew a woman due to give birth soon who was offering her child for adoption.
Marley is that child. She was born on leap day, Feb. 29.
I have mixed feelings about this one Field. I do commend for them taking the adoption route because there are too many children under the state's care, and let's face the state is not in the business of parenthood. I will tell you, if I had the financial means, I would adopt in a heartbeat and I do not have preference of the age of the child and here is where the problem lies. Couples want newborn babies, and it seems that in case of the Wares they got the first available newborn. Here is a question has anyone giving much thought as why you want children? That is not a simple question because people have children for different reasons, and a lot for selfish ones. A person once called me selfish for not having children, and not thought that perhaps it was just not in the cards for me. It's sad that people should think I should have children despite the fact that I am not married. First of all, it's the first thing ask me do I have any children and not are married. Then I did not have any, you think that had two heads because the black woman does not have any children and no husband, amazing. I must be some kind of rare breed or aberration.
I have friend who was a social worker specializing in adoption will tell you where the mindset of couples are. She adopted a her son when he was four because a black couple did not what to adopt him because he was too dark, and this was in 80s. My friend went a step further, while she was in the process of adopting her son, and decided to have an abortion. She also experienced that many couples also stopped adoption proceedings upon discovering the wife is pregnant, and she made a commitment and promise to that little boy that she was going to be his mother. Of course, some will ask why did she not do both adopt and have the baby, and the answer is she was really passionate about adopting that little boy and giving him a home and she made a sacrifice. She simply remember what the first couple did to him not adopting him because he was not cute and too dark. I am not going to judge her decision to take care of the child that was already here and she did not know if she could him more than the child she gave birth to, but started with the promised that she gave him.
I also do not have a problem with white couples adopting black children. They need a home, and the state isn't the business of parenthood. I have no idea who these so-called black social-workers and psychological, but if they are not willing to adopt the children themselves then they are to keep their mouths closed, and have they not read or seen the story of Antwone Fisher? Hello! Let's get a grip, the foster system is a vicious for children who are not adopted because they are too old. Then the state let's them go when reach of the age of 18 without any emotional or financial support.
Now some will argue that a black child living in a white home will not learn the black culture. Let me give an example of a woman with a daughter graduating for high school who does not vote, and I explained to her the importance of participating and having your voice heard. So, I said that people like Fannie Lou Hamer almost died for the right to vote and be seated as a delegate, and she looked up and asked me who is Fannie Lou Hamer. At that point, I just vexed. Now I believe that learning about black culture, one might know something about the history. So before anyone us talks about whites not knowing black culture, I will strongly suggest that some us skip our asses to the library or a museum and learn about it ourselves. It's just an observation.
Based on the NYT article, the Ware's did not set out to adopt a white baby.
FATE INTERVENED and this baby was at the right place at the right time.
Life happens that way.
I don't have anything bad to say. I think the Wares and the little one will turn out fine as long as they don't forget his birthday three out of every four years for obvious reasons.
Good luck to them, even though I hate the Cowboys.
Field, this is a wonderful opportunity to spread the word about adoption... The myths about adoption are unfortunate. The adoptions which are expensive are private adoptions requiring attorneys, etc.,and the ones we read about in celebrity world. If potential parents restrict themselves to a newborn the wait is long. But there are many, many children of color, begging to be adopted. Every county welfare agency has an adoptions department, and there are many non-profits specializing in adoption. The belief that it costs too much, that one has to be wealthy, etc. are holding back fine folks from parenting some really special kids. When my ex-husband and I (and our 5 year old) adopted my youngest daughter, it cost us nothing but the train fare to go pick her up (she was out of state, and our social worker found her through a colleague). We lived in a very modest two bedroom home, and had a modest income to match. Our home study took less than two months; in fact we had our train tickets before we had our final letter of approval. That was 29 years ago in March, and I still remember the day we brought her home as the sweetest of my life. Please spread the word... adoption is readily available--I know single parents (male and female) who have adopted, I know gay parents who have adopted, I know regular folks with regular incomes who have adopted. Some states even have subsidies for adoptive families. The requirements are a willingness to love, and in the case of children who are a little older, the willingess to stretch out a little to help a wounded child learn to trust again... I know, I need to stop...this just happens to be a subject I'm passionate about. Just one more thing... more than the money, I think it is fear that holds folks back...a fear that "maybe I can't really love an adopted child. Will she really be mine?" I remember the day I knew my daughter was mine. It was March 22, 1980. She was nine months old, and had been with us for a week. She and I laid down to take a nap. We awoke at the same time. I remember the look of absolute devotion in her eyes as she looked at me, and my heart swelled. I thought "A week ago, I didn't even know you. Today I would die for you." It happened that fast, and 29 years later, I would still die for her.
hennasplace,
Most folks want kids b/c parenthood is considered a rite of passage to adulthood/responsibility and everybody else is doing it (having kids).
And, of course, if you don't have them by a certain age (married or not), you're a selfish pariah who will never understand the love a parent has for a child unless and until you have one of your very own. Bull-ish!
Personally, I think it's selfless to consider an unborn child's needs above your own.
Some peeps are simply not equipped or meant to raise kids but that will never keep them from procreating.
You can figure significantly in a child's life even if you don't have kids of your own.
As Obie said, any fool can make a child.
oops... my math is bad... she turned 29 yesterday... i guess my "moment" was 28 years ago!
Aw Field, this is the first post of yours that I've had a problem with. Adopting a baby is very emotionally and financially difficult, especially when its in the path of infertility. It means letting go of one dream and taking on a lot of uncertainty. This little one came out of nowhere for them in a perfect situation where they had knowledge of the mother, which is especially important unless a couple is willing and able to take on the hardship of raising a child with special needs. Yes, I do consider being one of the kids in the system having "special needs" - the system does a number on kids no matter how short a time they're in it, and that's true for black and white kids born into bad situations. I personally know a few couples with foster kids who have given upb their lives to deal with behavior problems caused by the crack addiction of mothers or worse, which is a lot more than most parents bargain for and definitely requires a level of intent and committment that most people cannot and do not have to offer. Why should an infertile couple be obligated to make that kind of sacrifice just because they can't make their own baby? Having just had a stillborn baby means that their plans had already been made, nursery set up, and life changes scheduled. There's no way to truly replace that lost child or every fully heal from a stillbirth, just like the loss of any loved one, but it seems to me that having the chance to take on this baby, regardless of race, is what religious folk call "a blessing." Besides, if black folks adopting white babies is not evidence of increasing equality in this country I don't know what is.
Hey there Field
Glad to see you calling out the need for folks to adopt kids of color here at home.
Not go to all public service announcement, but there are more than 400K kids of color needing homes right now... folks need to let go of the idea of 'perfect' and freshly 'newborn' to see a world of perfect kids needing homes...
I am biased we have two kids via foster care blessing our home- full sibs both under the age of two. Hectic doesn't even begin to describe the situation. The oldest is adopted and youngest waiting for the stars to align in the legal world so we can move forward to adopt her.
That said - its not the easiest path in terms of the systems one must navigate, but then parenthood really isn't simple for anyone.
We are lucky in terms of our adoptive parent profile- we don't really deal with the whole transracial issue as we are a mixed raced marriage - me (white) and dad (black).... we adopted mixed race kids- whose parents were impacted by the legacies of racism, under-education, a biased criminal justice system and the scourge of drugs... our kids are medically fragile and we inherited a host of health and legal issues to wrangle - all totally worth it.
That being said, the system needs an overhaul. We need to open the gates and make it easier for folks to bring home these little people. And while I agree that there are a lot of myths about adoption- there are a lot headaches with the system for adoptive parents and I know we have gotten through the process pretty easily.
I'm considering adoption down the road myself. As a matter of preference I'd want a black child because...well, I'm black. There, I said it. Also, there is a disproportionate number of black infants and children in the system that need homes. With all of that said, it's their call. I mean, I wouldn't do it...I don't think anyway.
So, it IS a White baby.
I'm going to be politically incorrect.
WTF?
I'm sorry,but the only area where Black folk have an ' advantage' is in the adoption arena. If you are well-to-do (and THEY ARE), I can name 3 agencies off the top of my head with a history of Black Adoption going back DECADES.
I'm sorry. But, with all the Black kids that need adoption, a White Baby, who is already top of the list - White AND Male -
Unbelievable.
Yes, I'm pro-adoption. I'm even for Black kids with White parents (IF they get training), because THERE ARE SO MANY BLACK KIDS THAT NEED FAMILIES.
ANd this top 1% earning Black family goes and adopts a WHITE CHILD?
Unbelievable.
Hey Field,
you forgot about one thing. In one black family we could go from the purplest black to creamy milky white. We aren't bothered by it as white people are.How many of our people have last names such as Chan,Chin.Some have Hindu last names.Some have Spanish surnames. The guy running for President actually has a African last name. His name is more "African" than ours.I went to school with this one white girl , her nickname was Farrakhan. We called her that because she acted more "black" than the rest of us.Sometimes it works out Tommy Davison was adopted by white people. My friend is of mixed race and her mother is white.Now someone like Sean Hannity or Bill Oreilly adopt a mixed race person you know it is for brainwashing.
Brother Field and al. Adopted son 24 years ago. In the 80s. Concernes about skin color/hue was addressed due to social worker concerns that Black people being a wide range of color would the child "blend" in the total family color. My family from Ahoskie.NC are light skinned Indian/Black therefor the concern was would THE CHILD be uncomfortable sticking out if he was not of the blended shade of me and wife. This may or may not be important due to todays lack of intact families and women/men marrying to mates with kids already. Having a child that may be question to his birth situations can be a harmful situation to the child. When people adopt do they want to be seen as caretaken or have the child see them as more of a life-giving parent. That child that you choose that dont have similaritys may some day question why you brought him/her into a situation where he/she always stand out. For Black people there is no excuse for the amount of Black babies that are not adopted. If you got stable employment, no criminal record...YOU QUALIFY. Money is only an issue when you go private. The public system is just like Walmart. Majority of babies born in Amerika has a health issue...Dont make that a deterrant. There are many newborns just waiting. As a sidebar... I know many Black males that have a problem because we have been led to the thought of slavery and we were DA MAN in producing. Stop the waiting and go see about that bundle of joy. Your days of throwing the football are numbered and just the joy of sharing life with another small human is awesome. I was 34 when the Lord blessed me and 23 years later we still go out SOMETIMES and throw the rock.
I'm glad the couple adopted because there are ALOT of kids who need homes. Another issue about adopting is many parents wish for newborns but many children who are in the foster care system in America especially black children are not newborns but are much older thereby decreasing their chances of being adopted as they age. That's a big problem as well.
Field:
Granny was thinking that she'd be a little messy with ya today, and throw a little salt on it.
Maybe, DeMarcus adopted the baby, because it's really his baby.
I wish them well with their new bundle of joy. No the baby isn't black, because you can look at the babies ears and tell that. Black babies no matter how light or close to white they are, the top edge around their ears are always a little darker.
Hmmm...Granny trying to get a closer look at the babies ears. I can't see too good right now.
Okay, I was just messing with you guys.
My honest opinion though is this:
I don't see nothing wrong with what color the baby is. That baby needs love too. I wish people were more open to adopting older children as well, because they too need love.
We have so many kids who need a good home. I don't know this couple. I get the fate situation. I just wonder if fate was a baby that looked like them would they have welcomed that baby into their home and hearts. I hope so.
Field, I found out on Wiki that DeMarcus Ware did 27 reps at 225 pounds on the bench press at the NFL Combine a few years back. I haven't done that in years, so you're on your own with him. :)
Where's your humanity, field? I look at that picture and I don't see anything but a happy family.
Racism is a monster, field. The great danger in fighting a monster is of transforming into the very thing you seek to defeat.
Now please look at that picture again, and try to feel something different.
Fuck the damn Cowboys! Go Eagles!
I saw a car the other day on the highway with a big Giants logo on the back window, and then in the four corners were little Eagles, Cowboys, Redskins, and Jets logos, each of which had one of those little obnoxious kid logos pissing on it. I thought that was funny, although I did want to flip the dude off.
I co-sign with rikyrah comment it couldn't be put any better. To me It looks like there could be some self hate with this couple. You can't explain this away.
@GrannyStandingforTruth this baby ears are white so he want be turning any other color unless he tans.
Even after reading the post I can't understand why it matters they didn't adopt a black baby. There are tons of kids of all backgrounds floating around in the adoption system. And not enough of any race get adopted, so why the hell does it matter they didn't pick a black baby? For real man.
Someone, anyone, explain this to me please.
Do you mean to tell me that the Wares couldn't have found a little black baby to adopt?
Field,
I know you don't mean this. You're just being controversial to drum up debate and to engage your readers.
I know you don't mean this because this is the sort of statement I would expect to hear from Rush Limbaugh or Annthrax Coulter and I know you're no Rush Limbaugh or Annthrax Coulter.
Personally, I don't buy any of this nonsense that African American babies can't be raised by White couples because it robs them of their heritage. Black kids can be raised by Martians and their heritage still belongs to them.
This is the world I want to live in where people of different backgrounds, races, creeds, etc,. can co-exist and live together. I don't like the notion of people being separated. This is what George Bush has tried to accomplish these past 7 1/2 years -- dividing people and tearing the country apart and I'm having none of it.
A baby needed a home with loving parents and is in one. That is all.
"Now please look at that picture again, and try to feel something different."
Nope, I can't. Sorry, he is a stinking cowboy! Maybe if it was someone else.(it's an "iggles" thing)I am sure physioprof understands :)
But on a serious note, I hear you, and I am glad for the little one. But.....come on now.
BTW, I am glad some of the people who commented mentioned the different ages involved as well. I think most people want newborns, and that is an issue.
But wow, you folks are so mature and informed about this issue. It's really encouraging.
Chris, where did you get that quote from me? I didn't say that did I?
"Personally, I don't buy any of this nonsense that African American babies can't be raised by White couples because it robs them of their heritage. Black kids can be raised by Martians and their heritage still belongs to them."
I actually agree more with that position than I disagree with it. (read my post again). But that is not the case here. This is a black family possibly adopting a white baby.
Who cares? A kid who needed a loving home and family got one. End of story.
I could care less about who adopts what. As long as they love their child and raise them with some damn sense, they alright with me. This even includes the gays.
I just want white women who adopt black babies to haev to take a class on "How to Comb Black Hair" cause they struggles when it comes to that...
I have a friend (white couple) who waited 5 years to adopt an infant. They were waiting for a white baby cause they didn't feel prepared to raise a child of color.... Then, out of the blue, they got a call that a Mexican/Guatamalan baby was theirs if they wanted and they could go to another state and pick him up in 2 days.... They went, fell immediately in love, adopted him, and then made it their business to learn everything they can about his cultural heritage.... they are learning spanish, and are doing all they can to make sure they can share as much as possible about Latino culture.
Like the Wares, it is not what they started out thinking was gonna happen, but the universe had a different plan.... life happens like that.
Chris, where did you get that quote from me? I didn't say that did I?
The last sentence in your opening paragraph. Yes, Field, you did say it.
Sorry... I cosign with Rikyrah & JJbrock... Little black babies are already at a disadvantage from the day they are pushed out because of their skin color. Because of the high number of black kids needing families is so high, why not go that route and give them a headstart in life..cause we all know they will need it. Little baby Marley would have been alright regardless...she was already at the top of the list.
I'm on the fence about white couples raising black kids. There are so many 'things' in our culture that is automatically learned by being around and raised by black folks. How can a white couple introduce this to a black child when they couldn't understand and live it themselves??
Had baby Marley been black, the article probably wouldn't have been an article.
Why not just be happy they adopted an American kid instead of buying one from another country? That's my personal pet peeve -- people running off to Guatemala or Russia or Ethiopia so they can be sure of adopting an infant instead of looking at the hundreds of thousands of kids in the U.S. languishing in foster care. Cut them some slack -- they wanted a baby, fate gave them Marley. They've got the income for a large family so I doubt the kid's going to be an only child. Maybe the next baby they adopt will pass your politically correct/inverse brown paper bag test.
Crosspost this to MLW, please!
love,
MSOC
I'm trying to wrap my admittedly pea brain around the objection by folks who reject mixed-race adoptions on its merits.
So, it's better in your opinion to leave a Black or White baby in fostercare or an orphanage its entire life (stats show after the age of 4, they have a better chance of winning the lottery than being adopted), than placing them with a mixed race couple who want to become the kid's parents?
I'm sorry, but I just don't get it.
Fostercare or an orphanage is not where a child should spend its entire life. This is just faulty thinking. A child belongs with loving, nurturing parents.
Chris, you are right, I thought you had posted something else in your comments quoting me.
Yes, I did mean to say that.
field, as a college student, I worked for a year in a foster homes. I had white and black kids in it. It got to be depressing watching the younger, white kids, especially the blond girls, getting picked by white families to get a home and the older, black kids, especially the boys, rarely being picked at all. You could literally see their heads go down, when they're not picked.
One good thing I noticed, field, was that the kids didn't care if their prospective parent was black or white or any other color. They just wanted to have their own place, with someone, anyone, who loved them. Blessings.
Jim and I sometimes discuss adopting a kid. I'm not sure how serious we are because it's always an academic discussion that never progresses past the discussion point.
One thing we do agree on is, we would prefer to take an older kid, over the age of 4 and we don't have any issue about the race or ethnicity or gender of the child.
I think it could be very rewarding to help a child who came into the world under less than optimal conditions get through school and into college so he or she has a chance at a happy and rewarding life.
Field,
Thanks for sharing this story. I am about to read more concerning it. I must say that it's not necessarily shocking, but interesting. And I have to admit how I've never seen nor heard anything which relates.
I give my best wishes to the family. Love certainly has no boundaries.
I have never been on the fence when it comes to adoption as there are children who are in need of homes, and it's very easy to say that white couples should not adopt black babies in fear that they will not learn their cultural heritage. However, you are not the child living from foster home to foster home and you are not the ward of the State. Is it better for the State to raise the children? People do not realize that when these kids get older, and there are not available foster homes, they are sometimes placed in juvenile detention until a home is available. No one can possible give an argument about foster care is this wonderful thing as it is not. One thing I have learned about people who are willing to adopt, they are willing to accept the responsibility of caring for another person's child and I give them all the credit in the world. If you think white couples adopting is a bad, you need to look at what is worse. In addition, the child isn't going to care because they are going to have parents who choose him or her to love and care for. And the really concern parents, then will will see to it that child learn everything they possible can about his or her culture. We should care more about the interest of the children than our "so-called" hangups.
My SO who knows a bit about adoptions opines that it's entirely possible that they had no idea what the kid looked like before they agreed to adopt a newborn they were contacted about and perhaps, upon first seeing the baby, declined to make their final decision based on the color of the child's skin...
Field: While I understand your point, and you're not wrong, look at it this way: White people have been adopting black kids for years, at least since the social service agencies have been allowing it. Isn't it nice that finally the tables are turned, that a pair of wealthy black parents are giving a white kid a chance at a better life? Maybe in a few years it won't seem so odd.
So this couple has tried many times to have a child of their own, even had a stillborn.
It is obvious then that this couple does NOT have a problem with a black child. They TRIED to create one.
Sounds like they just wanted a child, and an acquaintance hooked them up with one.
Does anyone REALLY think that for this couple, who wanted a child, to turn down the offer based on the child's skin color, would have been the RIGHT thing to do?
Is that exactly what we want the citizens of this country to move AWAY from?
HAR! I knew you were gonna take a whoppin on this one Field. I won't add to your pain.
I'm all for adoption. A friend of mine just adopted and I love that child to death. The child is white and I am aware, when I see pictures of me holding her, of the "mammyness" of it all, but when she's in my arms, I only want the best for her. Maybe--with the way this baby came into their lives--this couple feels the same way.
I do wonder, once they knew they wd have trouble having a child, why they did not seek to adopt a Black child. Maybe they will inthe future.
Wow...so many black children in America and Africa need homes and this is what rich African Americans choose to do? Adopt a white child? Pathetic! What is the world coming to? Were they trying to make some sort of political statement? I don't get it.
If, to be black culturally, you need to have black rolemodels -- a responsible parent GETS black rolemodels. You take that kid to a black church/synagogue, and presto! rolemodels! (or, if church isn't your thing, another sort of social club) Plus, the parents have to take an interest in the whole thing.
(I couldn't believe how different the schoolbooks were for the innercity black school I was helping with, versus the WASP suburban school I came from! I read that history book, as much as I could, because it was interesting! All it takes is an interest.)
Any competent liberal should be adopting children. Too many batshit conservatives adopt kids to "convert" them to Christianity. and by convert i mean brainwash. but you knew that.
Those who adopt older kids have some complicated knots to pick at. I hope (for selfish reasons) that you and the Mrs. don't go that route. I'm afraid you wouldn't have enough time to keep posting your stuff.
Whoopi G. tells a story of trying to bleach herself as a child. What a moment for her parents. It must be horrible to watch your baby learn what A-merry-ca expects of them. So, I get what bothers you about what this adoption looks like (though I'm leaving out several steps in my "Whoopi's story leads me to understand FN's point of view")
After reading SingaporeSwim's explanation of the backstory, It seems like the pastor made the call, and then set up to the Wares to ask the awkward question, "is her baby going to be black enough?"
WTf? who have you adopted or mentored? why do all black blogs criticize people for doing something positive? If it was a white couple you'd be dissing them for adoptinga black baby? Now your dissing this couple and you don't even know the race of the baby? do you feel good putting down somebody who unsuccessfully tried to have their own children? Black blogs always have to find an example of someone to look down on, feel better?
FN: I have concluded that you are color struck. I have relatives who are BLACK with blond hair and blue eyes. I am really disgusted that in this day and age, when someone black looks at you, all they see is how light or dark you are then proceed to make a judgement about your authenticity. If this is what adults will say about this adopted child, you can just imagine what kids will say to this child's face.
As for tight-assed social workers who commit black kids to a lifetime existence bouncing from one foster home to another, or worse, because they can't stand the thought of white people adopting black kids, let them rot in hell.
Always dismayed at the petty ways we have of attacking each other on BS issues and in the most passive aggressive way,
West Coast Story
I'm surprised his wife is even black. And yes, he could have adopted one of the zillion black orphans in the system that usually get passed over for white, Asian, South American and other non-black orphans.
I also don't agree with their choice for other racial reasons either.
Sorry I meant they, as in the wife also. She is just apart of this colorism sickness as he. I hope she knows what she's doing. He might decide to get rid of her eventually for a new matching mommy.
I tune in here every day to see what The Field is up to and I only ever felt bad about my visit twice. The other time was when Field made the case for supporting boxers that were the same color as yourself. I live in PR. I like the PR boxers. So what does that mean? That was an off day post so I let it pass, as Field can't possibly be expected to have the same outlook as myself all the time. No one does. The second time was today.
One of my kids is "white", one "black", one "brown", and one of those three is adopted, doesn't really matter which one, and doesn't matter what "color" or "race" the parents are. I put all those words in quotes because I find the concepts to be incomplete and defective.
I really enjoyed the fact that most of the commenters here are beyond the race game already.
I love your site Field, my kids do too. You deserve to have your own opinion and this is one of the very tiny number I am calling you on.
On the other hand, I wish you very well with any possible adoption in the future.
Field:
I came back to the comments section because this issue has been on my mind ever since I commented last night. I am so bothered by the misconceptions and prejudice of other commenters that I have to comment again, and this time, hopefully, I can get your input on what I'm saying.
First of all it takes YEARS to adopt a newborn - ANY NEWBORN of ANY COLOR. All of these people talking about how many black children need homes are full of mess, because healthly newborns are few and far between.
That said, why are people so hell-bent on the idea that infertility means that you should be raising a child with issues? There are too many black children in the system for my taste, but just because you cant make your own baby does not make you prepared to raise one with special needs OR be obligated to take on an older child, as raising a child from birth is a special experience! There are people who are up to the challenge, but why are commenters assuming that the Wares should rise to the occasion to become one of them just because they're an infertile couple (which, by the way, infertility drugs cannot always fix)? I'm disgusted by the lack of understanding of what infertility does to one's spirit and the rights adoptive parents should have.
And lastly, why is anyone calling them colorstruck when they CLEARLY wanted a black baby - they tried FOUR times, for Pete's sake.
This post has really brought out people's sheer ignorance about conceiving and adopting children.
It seems that black folks need to go before the Negro Review Board before they adopt, color their hair, marry, donate money, buy a home, take a job, etc, etc. to make sure it is all in accordance with the Negro Rules of Correct Living. Okay, it's human nature I guess to judge everyone all the time but judging these people for the baby they adopted is pretty sad. I mean, we are actually having a discussion about the color/ethnicity of this child and what color of adoptive parent most is appropriate. I know mixed race kids who are a mess and I know mixed race who are not. I damn sure know a lot of black people who can lay claim to having two black parents who are a complete mess. What are we talking about here?
hi-
frankly, i think they both thought the white doll was "prettier" or "better".
God helps those that help themselves.
blessings,
focusedpurpose
It sounds like the couple took the first available child. the one it was easy to get. Adoption is a horrible process in the US and that's the reason people are going international...or doing "private" adoptions like this probably was. We can't know what this couples' thought process was, except that they wanted a child. But I have to say that I think they could have gotten a Black child.
Field,
This is the first post of yours that made me sad.
How about asking more people to step up to the plate to adopt? Be foster parents? or Big Brothers/Sisters? or even Respite Parents for children with special needs?
There is no such thing as too much love for a child. I don't give a damn what color they are - the parents or the kids.
We need to take care of them all. And as long as your colleague was cool, (no R. Kelly tendencies...) he should have been able to adopt the black kid.
WTF? Why do we stop people from giving their love, time, guidance and much effort to children who so desperately need it?
Field, you need to dig a little deeper on this one, brotha.
hi there again,
i would also like to say, i think that black folks are the only people on the planet that refuse to put ourselves first and can't figure out why we are socially dead last. clues are not be that hard to get!
whenever there is a black man of means, there is always a push to figure out a way to insure that white folks, usually white women, benefit somehow someway. this seems just more of the same. has this family no black acquaintances that could offer information? with the success= mandatory white everything, this would not be so hard to believe actually; on second thought. which is a whole other problem.
folks with means can pay for special treatment and receive it all the time. had they wanted a black child they would have one. God knows there are many black children that need the love of a family. if God has not permitted you to biologically have a child, i think that means something as well. i expect folks to get p.o'd, it is ok; i don't believe in coincidences and reserve the right to speak the truth as i see it.
i do mentor and spend time with black teenage girls and young women. as long as black folks are on the bottom, i will devote all my energies to helping our condition. charity begins at HOME and travels abroad. black folks need to get that. white folks violently rule the world, them collecting babies of all colors is odd considering their collective disrespect of all people of color. black folks are just 40+ years free in this land of the free and home of the brave. adopt black children for God's sake!
blessings,
focusedpurpose
Some of what is written here is just hateful, really. Karma is a bitch, as they say.
That baby looks like my niece who is biracial (Heinz 57 variety Black American & Italian American). My niece may be whiter looking- she has green eyes and curly red hair. My money is on the child being biracial.
When Tanquia(sp?) gets mistaken for the nanny, sista-girl is going to wish they had opted for a browner version of cutie-pie.
Shooooo. If whites can adopt blacks, why can't blacks adopt whites? America being a (more or less)free country and all that, you know. . .
Field, who the hell are YOU to judge.
I thought all of our ancestors died for us to have the right to do what we damned well please. To do what we want despite our race. You seem to be amongst a growing list of backward-thinking blacks that believe that we should put LIMITATIONS on ourselves BECAUSE we're black.
White people can adopt black children but blacks can't adopt white ones? I bet you frown on blacks that listen to rock music or play hockey because those aren't "black" activities.
Well, good on the Wares. They should be able to do anything they want to do and not have their race be a factor or limitation. It's a shame seeing OTHER BLACKS telling their brothers and sistas doing that exact thing.
Okay, so the baby is white. Although I think they should have given a home to the one of the countless number of black children who need one, I am happy that they gave this child a home. Creflo Dollar has two adopted white sons. Being part of this 21st century world is going to require us to be more flexible in our thinking.
More of us, black people should step up and adopt some of these black children. Sadly, and I know I'm generalizing, black folks ain't feeling adoption as much as white folks. Sure we'll take in family and maybe a good friend's children, but strangers? I don't have enough fingers to count the number of times I've heard black folks brush aside adoption w/ remarks about "you don't know what you are getting."
Bottom line: more of us need to adopt. Some of us need to stop having children we cannot take care of so the foster care system wouldn't be teeming with black children. Just the other day I learned that a distant cousin has lost all three of her kids to the system.
Im sorry, these folks are pathetic. I do not like them one bit! I think what they did is a shameful act of self hate against their own selves because they are both darkskinned. What they did is a sin and they should be ashamed of themselves. My first thought was "what an asshole!" They will "volunteer" and do "what they can" for people who look like them, but making a real life changing impact is reserved for a white child. They are gross!
Focuspurposed, I usually play around when i post on this blog. But I just want to say that you said a mouth full and I thank you for your above comment. I wish all those who pacify and were posting as the devil's advocate "let's play fair" negro would read it five times and get a clue.
Why do some black folks try to play "fair" when the world doesn't reflect it towards us. Let's get real. If that couple were wealthy Mexican Americans, who do you think they were going to adopt? Get real black people.
"That said, why are people so hell-bent on the idea that infertility means that you should be raising a child with issues? There are too many black children in the system for my taste, but just because you cant make your own baby does not make you prepared to raise one with special needs OR be obligated to take on an older child,.."
Fair point thembi. But again, are there not healthy black babies that can be adopted as well.
" It seems that black folks need to go before the Negro Review Board before they adopt, color their hair, marry, donate money, buy a home, take a job, etc, etc."
well...actually some of them should. And who is on the NRB these days? Is the "O" man the chairman? I am just saying:)
rc, I feel ya, and I have mad love for PR. But hey, we can't always agree. And thanks for the good luck shout.
"Field, you need to dig a little deeper on this one, brotha."
isonprize, I am digging but no matter how deep I go I keep coming back to the same f****d up pathologies.
And help me here folks, where exactly did i say that it was not cool for white couples to adopt black children?
"FN: I have concluded that you are color struck.
Yes, that color that would be green ;)
OK, I think I have the political and cultural solution to the problem.
DeMarcus and Taniqua Ware should hand over their adorable White baby to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and in turn, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie should handover their precious adopted Black child, Zahara, to DeMarcus and Taniqua Ware.
At last, the adoption process will be restored to color purity!
"Field, who the hell are YOU to judge."
The Chief Jusice of the court of the field Negroes for adoptions.
I heart you Field, really. On this one though, I can't agree with you. I was infertile for 10 years before I had a child, it was so painful, I wouldn't wish it on an enemy.
It's a baby, innocent. I believe that trans-racial adoptions will only serve to broaden our way of thinking, our humanity. I know several couples that have adopted across racial lines and have watched them honor the child's cultural tradtions, sometimes clumsily, but nevertheless honor them, stretching themselves to learn more, open up. It is a beautiful struggle to watch.
Love is love is love Field. Let's turn the page, let's get past race and see two loving people sharing their love with a child. They have changed the trajectory of this childs life. I only hope they will adopt more, and I don't care what color they are.
And by the way, I read some of the other comments, and I personally know wealthy whites and Latinos who have adopted black babies.
But wait Christopher... there can't be "color purity" when there's so much white women in IR's with black men and non-white men. Why don't you also try to round up all those loose white women running around looking for husbands all over the place since they seem to think they can't find white ones who want them. That might help.
FN: Someone needs to spank your butt and I don't mean that in a good way. :-)
Some of the remarks here are truly hateful. Please don't confuse being a pacifist with merely being civilized.
"That said, why are people so hell-bent on the idea that infertility means that you should be raising a child with issues? There are too many black children in the system for my taste, but just because you cant make your own baby does not make you prepared to raise one with special needs OR be obligated to take on an older child,.."
Fair point thembi. But again, are there not healthy black babies that can be adopted as well.
No, it is not a fair point considering the easily verifiable fact that with no regard to age, physcial and/or emotional health,
a child of color, who is placed or available for adoption is automatically deemed "special needs" simply because they are of color.
Field,
Fair point thembi. But again, are there not healthy black babies that can be adopted as well.
It's a huge misconception that there are thousands of healthy black newborns just waiting to be adopted. That process takes longer than it does to adopt a white baby with pre-existing problems such as a drug addicted mother. The reality is that most healthy black women either terminate or have their babies (whether they end up in the system later is a different story). Not only that, but there are actually MORE white kids in the system than black kids, the percentages are just way higher than they should be given our respective populations and of course concentrated in urban areas. If you want to argue that infertile couples should take whatever they can get, martyr themselves by not having knowledge of the child's history, or be obligated to raise an older child, than you have to do so through the lens of infertility, not of race. I know that's what you "do" here but by basing your position on misconceptions you're doing couples who adopt as a second choice, not as a charitable gesture, a great disservice. I know who you are to judge and I can't beleive I'm defending a Cowboy, but you're essentially telling someone how to complete their family and think you have the right to do so just because they're infertile!
Raising a child from birth was clearly important to the Wares, having their own baby was clearly important as well. Unless there's something they're not telling us they did not seek out a white baby. Your comment about 'white dolls' is completely unfair when aimed at a woman who had her heart broken 4 times trying to "play with black dolls."
Ask some kids (regardless of color) over the age of 13 in foster care what they want. They will tell you they want a family. Not a White family, not a Black family, not a Latino family.
They just want a family.
I navigated 10+ years in the foster care system and aged out at 21. Plenty of my White/Latino/Asian foster brothers and sisters aged out right along with me.
We figured out that people didn't want older children because you couldn't mold them into something else. A 15 y/o already has a personality and opinions that will more than likely differ from yours. Hence the desire for babies, regardless of race.
I can understand wanting to place a child with people who look like them; especially in those years when kids are forming an identity.
But do you favor making sure a child has the tools to handle/navigate a family that may not look like them but loves them anyway?
Or do you favor letting them languish in the foster care system, only to turn them over to the penal/welfare system?
Ok, off my soap box. If you can't tell, I'm passionate about foster care/adoption issues.
:)
"...Negro Rules of Correct Living" westcoast story I think I have been "blacklisted" for not following these rules consistently! ;)
Verbal vixen and thembi I'm with you!
There is no self-hate here since they tried to make a baby multiple times--obviously their own baby would have come out looking like them.
To those of you who disagree/upset with this might you be projecting some internal self-hate?
I'm just saying cuz some of the outrage in these responses just don't match the particulars.
I'm lighter in tone and I find myself the object of great disdain when I point out certain things to my darker sistas/bros who sometimes take color issues to a level above and beyond.
And before anyone cues the flames let me just ask if the negative responses would be the same if the baby was a light skinned black or latina?
To say black folk should adopt black kids b/c there are more of them in need in foster care is blantantly racist. The color of the child should not be a primary determinant of adoption--and if it is I dare say that the black people who would choose a baby based on its race should probably not be adopting in the first place.
I suspect that many posters making derogatory comments about the Wares could really give less than a damn about the black children in foster care or that are up for adoption. They seem to only be interested in DeMarcus Ware's occupation and the photo.
Field, perhaps you need to change your blog to "The House and Porch Negro Haven".
Oh, and so now most orphan black babies are crack babies? So Asian and South American babies are healthier?
What a racist cop out.
BTW, how come no one thought that obvious white baby might be a meth baby?
HeartsandFlowers to your comment "It is criminal to force kids to stay in a system that kicks them out between 18-21 with $50 and a bus ticket just to make a political statement". To this I say that the true crime is in the fact that we have parents who abuse or allow their children to be abused by others and they are not serving one day of time. The true crime is in the fact that when these same abused and misguided youth end up in the system (foster care or prison)that they often times can not go home because of the abuse. For the youth who ends up incarcerated as juveniles, the true crime is the fact that even when the courts say that they can be released, if they don't have placement THEY CAN NOT BE RELEASED. The true crime is that when the state keeps these kids until they are 21,in Ohio, because of placement issues, they are released at bus stations and homeless shelters with no money at all. The true crime is that when these kids are released with no means of survival or basic necessities they commit more crimes to survive and end up in the adult system. We as African Americans need to step up and do what our ancestors did. It truly takes a village to raise a child.
If a child has a need, I don't particularly care what color the person is who is able to step up and meet the need. I'm tired of seeing neglected, abused and mentally screwed up kids of any color in our injustice system.
"...They seem to only be interested in DeMarcus Ware's occupation and the photo"
Well, he is a stinking cowboy!
I much rather a white meth baby over a black crack head baby any day. i hope they adopt more white babies.
first of all, the baby looks rather ethnic, and secondly Marley is a baby girl not a white male infant! I'm glad that the couple was able adopt the baby girl, and I hope others will chose to follow lead. When will all of our nonsense end?
Any black person that places limitations on themselves because of their race is doing The Adversary's work for him.
In 2008, a black couple should be able to do whatever the hell they want without crab-in-the-bucket-blacker-than-thou "intellectuals" judging them.
WHO CARES
sheesh
If the Wares had adopted a black child first, then a white child second, would there still be so many negative responses?
What if the Wares had chosen to adopt a black child from Africa or Latin America, as opposed to an American?
I have to wonder...
I encourage everyone who has an opinion about the 'race' of the adopter and adoptee to read Victoria Rowell's book "The Women Who Raised Me" and look into her work with foster children since she was one herself.
http://www.rowellfosterchildren.org/vcorner/index.html
How many people who commented with less than favorable thoughts on this mentor children or have foster children?
"How many people who commented with less than favorable thoughts on this mentor children or have foster children?"
Me me me me **hand in the air***
"What if the Wares had chosen to adopt a black child from Africa or Latin America, as opposed to an American?"
Well, you wouldn't have known about it because it wouldn't have been in the NY Times. But to answer your question; no, I wouldn't have had a problem with it.
"Any black person that places limitations on themselves because of their race is doing The Adversary's work for him."
luv, could you expound on this? I hear this kind of talk all the time. How does one place "limitations" on himself? I am just curious.
Lots of tribalism in these responses, and it makes me sad.
Field- Cannot agree with this post. My grandmother who is now 82 is biracial. She was adopted by a black woman, brown in tone, and clearly did not look like my grandmother. In baby pictures, my grandmother has a crown of very sandy brown/blonde hair, and fair skin like Marley's. My great-grandmother adopted her, and gave her a good life during the height of the Depression. I think that we all have our racial hang-ups given this crazy society that we live in. However in the end, it is about how much love that we can extend to another human being. The player's wife is clearly far from self-hating, as she is still trying to have a child- which will in all likelihood be brown skinned like she and her husband.
"luv, could you expound on this? I hear this kind of talk all the time. How does one place "limitations" on himself? I am just curious."
Gladly. There are far too many brothers and sistas that I meet that seem to be of the mind that there are certain things they aren't "supposed" to do or certain places they aren't "supposed" to go because they're black.
This extends from something as trivial as listening to rock music or going to an opera to something as serious as what race of child to adopt. And don't let me start on the rampant anti-intellectualism that's ravaging our community. (doing well in school is for suckas!)
When I lived in Pensacola, FL, there was a bar downtown (as much of a downtown that town can have) that I like to visit. I liked the bartender and it's proximity to the big club in town. The big club was racially mixed but this bar primarily was not. I remember meeting a sista down there who I wanted to meet me at this bar. She claimed that that bar wasn't "for us" and that I shouldn't even want to go there. I said I can do what I damned well pleased because that's what my ancestors died for. Any place that accepts me with respect, I'll go. I don't limit my actions or goings based on what I'm "supposed" to do as a black man.
If I'm not actively working AGAINST my people (hello, Clarence Thomas and Condoleeza), then noone should look disparagingly on me. But limiting thinking and actions has taken a disturbing root in our community. This why so many of our sistas are obese. Because watching what you eat is what white people do. We don't seek psychiatric help when it's desperately needed because that's what white people do.
There are so many examples of this limiting behavior based on our race that I could write a book. Instead of expanding our minds and experiences, we limit them base on what this narrow definition of what "blackness" is.
Luv, what does all of that have to do with the above post?
Luv,
No, it ain't SELF POLICING makes people see psychiatric help or not.
It's can they AFFORD it or NOT. If your health care plan pays for it, as mine does, you'll go when you need to.
Otherwise, you're better off finding a priest -- at least he comes for less than $100 an hour.
Field, I can just see you with your hand in the air... *giggles*
Relevant kospost
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/6/19/102349/890/676/538336
It disturbs me how people don't see anything wrong with a BLACK FAMILY passing up Black children to adopt a White one. White supremacy/privledge/favoritism is a bit#h, but when it is practiced by your own people... damn.
Oh and don't give me any of that "colorblind" nonsense. That is why Black people are still collectively at the bottom because we seem to be the only ones who collectively think like this.
@luv
You're on point with all of that. I feel that women often do the same thing as far as "manstuff" but I don't want to digress. Telling ourselves that theres ANYTHING we shouldn't do just because we dont meet some imaginary or superficial characteristics holds us back bigtime. Why should they bother teling us "Whites Only" when we see "Whites Only" signs left and right but they're all in our heads?
Exactly right, thembi.
We're doing the adversary's work FOR HIM.
They no longer have to put up the "Whites Only" sign. We do it mentally. They don't have to say that we can go certain places, strive for certain goals or adopt whatever child we damn-well want to because we tell OURSELVES that.
Every single person reading this has either said or knows someone that said that Barack Obama won't even get the Democratic nomination let alone the Presidency because "they'll never vote for a black man". This was an excuse to not even try, because "they" won't let you.
WE were trying to put that limitation on Barack. Because he's black, he can't be President. How many blacks out there believe that BECAUSE they're black, they're SUPPOSED to grow up poor in crime-ridden neighborhoods? How many?
Ach! Y'know what? I'm going to drop this topic because I can get so fired up when I watch my people but those mental chains on themselves....and take pride in it.
Oh, I thought of this right when I hit "publish".
I don't know how old some of you are, but I remember distinctly how our people initially 24 years ago when The Cosby Show debuted. It was pretty much universally CRITICIZED in the black community. Why was that? Because many blacks felt the show wasn't "real". A two-parent household where the mother was a well-educated lawyer and the father was a well-educated doctor? That didn't beat their kids? That lived in a multi-racial neighborhood? That didn't talk jive and/or ebonics? That's just not "real".
That narrow worldview of what "blackness" was caused that criticism. We couldn't see ourselves in any other way except as either "poor, yet dignified" like on Good Times and Sanford and Son, or "rich, but still ghetto" like The Jeffersons.
Seeing a classy, smart, loving and decent family on television was damn-near sci-fi to us. THAT'S the kind mindset I refer to. Where we can't be anything other than what someone like Field thinks we SHOULD be like.
Dare to fall outside of those parameters and prepare to be judged by the "real" blacks.
I think that some of you are failing (or refusing) to understand what some of us are protesting. What the heck does "mental chains" have to do with wanting a BLACK FAMILY to adopt a BLACK CHILD? If you ask me, it is you all that have the "mental chains" on. This "I can raise a White child and neglect a Black one better than a White person can" mentality is the most pure defenition of being bound by "mental chains"
Thembi and Luv, what does all of that have to do with the price of kites? How does a viable black couple passing over zillions of already unwanted black children to adopt a white one have anything do with "whites only" and black limitations? That's NOT the point! Next time field should use a slower plane.
Since when did being able to adopt a white child become such symbol of "progression" for black people? Sounds like mental slavery goes both ways to me. Black women been taking care of white children, that's nothing new.
Ok, I'm out of here before I really lose it.
@lamsviswan,
I havent bothered addressing any of your previous comments directy because you are grossly uninformed and backward in most of them. This family clearly tried numerous times to have their own child and settled for something else but somehow that is not good enough for you? Comine that with your rantings about how white women need to stick to their own kind, etc, and your ignorance and (I hate to even use the word) bitterness is so well illustrated that I hesitate to be bothered even now.
But since you're directing anything at me, I was echoing luv's point about mental chains because it seemed unclear to others but I understood it right off of the bat. The "we're not supposed to adopt white babies" argument is distinctly different from "we should be adopting black babies" argument. Both arguments have been made here, and luv was addressing the former. I'm not sure why you thought his comment was directed at your particular misguided position, but remembering that it's not all about you may be a good rule of thumb for organizing your thoughts in the future.
luv, I hear what you are saying, but respectfuly, I think you have it a little twisted. For instance, I play golf & tennis, and I love listening to ska, and Michael Franks. Because those are things that I really do enjoy. If a person (black or white) doesn't feel comfortable in a certain setting, why should it be because he is afraid of expanding his or her horizons? Maybe he just doesn't enjoy being around white people. No harm no foul. I know black folks who don't enjoy being around certain types of black folks, that's cool too. Why does it have to be considered limiting yourself if you don't happen to enjoy certain things? Are you saying that people should force themselves to appreciate certain things for the sake of being well rounded? I mean it's cool to understand and respect other things and cultures, but you don't have to like it.
Hey, if you like fried chicken and kool-aid,knock yourself out. And if you are a black kid in the hood and you want to listen to rock and roll all day, I say knock yourself out as well.
As long as they are not, like you said, trying to undermine their own people in some way (see Clarence T for example)
It's not that there is a Negro board of review that folks have to get approval from. It's just that Negroes might like certain things because, well, they are Negroes. :)
I feel very close to this issue. I'm white... my wife is white and we adopted 2 black boys at birth one is 4 and the other is 2. I come to the Fields to get info on how to "keep it real" for my kids.
The 2 year old was a cocaine baby but is the sweetest boy I've ever known he's a little slow but he tries so hard which is so different from his older brother who is very smart, but doesn't try hard enough.
What's my point? There's a real need for good people to adopt my wife and I decided that we weren't going to go the fertility treatment route and decided to adopt. There's far more red tape to go through background checks and the fees and the intrusions of privacy the whole shebang. It can be a real pain in the ass which is a little frustrating because any old dumb ass can go out and get knocked up (or knock someone up)and get their kids no questions asked but adopted parents are put through the ringer... but it's worth it.
I've been lurking around here for over a year and I always wondered why the FN never mentioned adoption. Some people don't want to be parents (and that's cool but some people don't want to be parents BUT THEY ARE anyway, and it shows by the way they treat their kids.
Bottom line:
Adoption
It can be pricy to adopt (unless one goes the foster care route)but there are some ways to offset the cost including tax credits and some employers offer adoption benefits. There's definitely a need out there.
I think its great for the Ware's. Generally people have been pretty good to us. There's always the occasional dumb ass that says something dumb, and that's been black folks and white folks. I think the questions I get tired of the most are both about the same "Are those your kids" and "Did you adopt them?" I haven't said it yet but I feel like saying "Well, my wife tells me their both mine. But I just can't figure out why they don't look like me" but I don't think my wife would appreciate that, though she gets tired of the questions too.
Another bonus is if one of my kids throws a fit at the store and is rolling around on the ground (hey it happens) and people start looking at me I can just look around like they aren't mine... I don't really do that... often.
Thanks for letting me reflect on the happiness adoption has brought for me.
*high fives la*
*exits...*
Thembi said:
"I havent bothered addressing any of your previous comments directy because you are grossly uninformed and backward in most of them.'
Yet you were still inclined to make a rebut towards the "backward comments". Don't take my playing around on blog comments for granted. And I assume you must be forward and progressive with your own comments and comprehension. I did not dispute the core of what Luv said, but I felt it was purposely misguiding and had nothing to do with the core of said topic.
"This family clearly tried numerous times to have their own child and settled for something else but somehow that is not good enough for you?"
Ok, you still seem to be having a more difficult time spotting the jet. Listen, most people opposing were not doing so because they adopted a child (I would hope not). The choice for adopting a non-black child considering.... raised some concerns. How much time must we go over this for you?
"Comine that with your rantings about how white women need to stick to their own kind, etc, ...and your ignorance and (I hate to even use the word) bitterness is so well illustrated that I hesitate to be bothered even now"
Even though it was a bit ill spirited even for me to write... If that was the only thing that jumped at you from that particular comment, then you're not as analytical in your thinking as you may think. Too many dots for you to connect, huh? And of course.... bitterness, how convenient for you to label me with.
'The "we're not supposed to adopt white babies" argument is distinctly different from "we should be adopting black babies" argument. .... but remembering that it's not all about you may be a good rule of thumb for organizing your thoughts in the future..'
Stop trying to back peddle and twist other people's comments. And you know, your entire outlook on black orphaned newborns being born "unhealthy" was very prejudice and disgusting. How many white orphaned newborns are born with alcohol, cocaine and meth addiction? You well know where you stood in all this, just be honest about it. Don't get it twisted. If they wanted a black baby they would have gotten one, especially their first. They made a choice. House negroes like you just love this, what a wonderful gesture of color blind "progression" for us ignorant backward black folk. You can have the last word now.
Field, your first paragraph had me laughing out loud at my volunteer gig - shame on you!
I havent read all the damend comments (100+??), but Ive got a few things to say.
While I am glad that this baby "fell" into this family, I too feel badly for the thousands of Black children who werent in the "right place at the right time" to be adopted by this couple. So many of them need good homes.
But when I look at that picture, a question comes to my mind: Were the Wares drawn to this child due to issues with their own skin tones? Ive heard of many a family who wanted to adopt a "pretty" baby or one with "good hair." Perhaps thats just me, but that thought did cross my mind when I saw this pic.
Ive always wanted to adopt, and Id even like an older child, even a teenager. But I have to wait for that day to come.
L
No, Field. I was specifically addressing what some of us have what I call a narrow view of what blackness is. It's really not that complicated.
Like Thembi said: there's a difference in saying one SHOULD adopt a black child and saying one SHOULDN'T adopt a white one. That SHOULDN'T is the limitation I speak of. And that limitation is placed on a black by another black.
It's not about liking what you like. It's about other blacks basically saying you're selling out or "fakin' the funk" BECAUSE you like what you like. It's about saying a brotha aint a "real" brotha because he likes ska.
It's that blacker-than-thou sentiment that some are expressing in this particular case. The Wares are somehow going against or selling out or fakin-the-funk because they adopted a white child.
I'm willing to bet that if they adopted a Chinese or Bangladeshi child, the same caterwauling wouldn't exist....
"but remembering that it's not all about you may be a good rule of thumb for organizing your thoughts in the future..'"
Thembi, did you know that "rule of thumb" is considered a sexist term? Seriously, a co-worker of mine who happens to be a well respected attorney told me so. He says that back in the day a husband could beat his wife as long as the object he used to strike her with wasn't larger than his thumb. Thus the expression, "rule of thumb".
Sorry, I didn't mean to jump in between your tiff with la~ but I thought I would put that out there:)
What's up Lola? Do you have a new car yet?
luv,thanks for your explanation. I get where you are coming from now about the gate keepers. But I think we should also be aware that some folks out there really do think it would be best if black folks, regardless of their likes and dislikes, always remember who and what they are.
Field,
But "who and what they are" is so vastly different for different black folk.
A bit off topic, but for instance, Barack chose to define himself as a black man. I have a friend of mine with essentially the same background, who will fight to the death to be called 'biracial.'
Michelle O was never in a position to 'choose' to be anything other than a black woman.
Then there's Soledad O'Brien. White father, black mother (or to be more specific, Maria de la Soledad Teresa O'Brien of Irish Australian Afro Cuban heritage - according to Wikipedia)
She's got more than a few to pick from.
...back to adoption...
So, if I, as a free black woman, know who and what I am, and I want to adopt, does that mean I cam or cannot adopt a baby? What color baby can I adopt? Black? White? Soledad? Barack?
Does it mean I ought to be a foster parent instead?
If there are more black children to be adopted and more white parents trying to adopt them, is that a problem?
Where is the crowd of black folk looking to adopt 11 year old Rasheed?
Or hey, maybe it's a new trend, just like all the white women who got to China to adopt Chinese girls.
Are they mad at this couple for adopting a white child?
I still say there is no such thing as too much love for a child. They don't ask to come here, and when they get here, we treat some of them like the dirt on the bottom of a shoe.
There should be parenthood tests before people have unprotected sex. Fines, SOMETHING... damn.
Field I gotta jump in on this, though I'm white. Well, I am pretty good at basketball and it's been my thing for 'bout 16 years now... Does that make me a sell-out of my whiteness?
Anyway, I wanted to comment on what Luv and Thembi have been saying:
First of all, didn't someone up there say that the Ware's adopted this particular child because their pastor knew of their situation and also knew of a mother who wanted to give up her baby for adoption? If that is the case, they didn't so much choose this baby to the exclusion of a black baby, as they embraced what fate placed in their laps. They had a need, the mother had a need, and together things worked out beautifully. They chose to help where they could, within the community they are a part of, and to find fault with that is counterproductive to any people.
Secondly, I too agree fully with Luvs point regarding self-imposed limits based upon one's color. I get what you're saying Field, but just 'cause there are folks out there that think like that, doesn't mean it should limit those who are above that and free from it. The one thing worse than forgetting you're black or white or whatever, is forgetting you're a person, and ceding that very awesome responsiblity of yourself, to yourself, to some other person or group.
"They chose to help where they could, within the community they are a part of,..."
Guess what community that is where there's likely to have white mothers.
From the sounds of things, their church.
Maybe Ware should demand to be traded cause his team's QB is white. And the coach is white too! With black coaches under-represented as they are in pro and college sports, the fact Ware STILL chooses to play for a franchise with a white coach speaks volumes about his self-hate. I don't say that, his choice to be a part of a community (i.e. team) says it for me. /endridiculousleapsoflogic
I've deleted three posts (now four) about this over the past couple of days. It seems to me that the people who have the SERIOUS identity problems are the folks who are so put out by this adoption. You aren't adopting any black kids so your concern is phony at best.
And I just wrote another long tome and I've deleted that too. This whole discussion makes me sick to my stomach. I am heartened by the majority of posts that support this adoption. For all the naysayers, you need to find some real issues to get exercised over. I am fed up with the plantation dwellers who obsess about somebody's color or hair or any of that other related, truly, remarkable, stupid shite. Another example of why we are still locked in a slave mentality.
"luv,thanks for your explanation. I get where you are coming from now about the gate keepers. But I think we should also be aware that some folks out there really do think it would be best if black folks, regardless of their likes and dislikes, always remember who and what they are."
Who and what we are according to whom? That's exactly my problem. ANYONE that believes they hold the definition of what "blackness" is is already on shaky ground. Whatever you are, whatever you do, THAT'S black. There is no definitive, set-in-stone, hard-coded definition of what "we are". We are supposed to be evolving, aiming higher, spreading out to never before thought areas of consciousness and achievement.
Wherever that takes us, that's "who and what we are."
@la
Thanks, I love getting the last word!
Saying that "Next time field should use a slower plane" and directing such a cornball comment at me is where you messed up. By leveling a personal attack at anyone who doesnt agree with you, all you're doing is making yourself sound even more desperate and unecessarily defensive. The "if you don't agree with me you must be stupid" style of debate just doesnt fly with me, nor does it fly with the tone of Field's blog, which is why I keep coming back. Its just, for lack of a better word, lame. But thanks for reminding me why I'm a culture/humor blogger because the desperation of people who feel the need to be heard can really be dizzying. While I understand the positions of people who think that the Wares are triflin', and even agree with some of those reasons, I did not attempt to address those in my response to you and why would I unless you speak for all of those people, Field included? While it's nice to see a black woman step up to the plate to lead, you're a poor representative for a view that I understand but cannot stand behind.
What's laughable is that your attempt at 'breaking me down' was filled with responses to the comments of other people, not to my own. Never once did I say that black newborns are categoricall unhealthy, an accusation that could fly if it weren't all right here in writing. In fact, I said (also more than once) that black AND white healthy newborns are few and far between. Thats my real face up there next to my name, almost everyone in my family is black like me, and the family tree would seriously thin out if all of the adopted, foster, and even those who were born drug-addicted were left out of the picture. A black baby is the most beautiful thing in the world to me, so slapping together some raggedy characterization of anyone who doesnt have a problem with an unfertile couple doing what they gotta do as a "house negro" is just weak. As I instructed earlier, try not to take on so much when you construct an argument - speak to the points of others and speak for yourself. Just like people can agree on an issue for different reasons, we can also disagree for different reasons, a fact that you have failed to recognize perhaps three times now. Dissmissing what I have to say just because it doesnt address "most" of the opinions expressed here is beyond ridiculous.
Just in case the third time is the charm for you, and since you didnt address ANY of the reasons why I refuse to believe that the Wares are color struck, I'll speak only for myself (yet again) and say that this issue is one of the reproductive rights of the infertile and adoptive parents, not of race. You could have argued that infertile couples don't have the right to create the most comfortable situation for themselves (and in this case, I believe that the comfort level came from their involvement in a church), or you could have done some reasearch about the Wares and proven that they wanted a little white baby more than anything else in the world (which would be confusing after they'd lost 4 black babies). Those would be semi-compelling responses but you didn't come up with anything even close, so here I am feeding you your lines. Would I want to adopt a white baby? No. Would I be heated if this family intentionally sought out a white baby? Yes. Furthermore, when it comes to an older child, I'd be heated if they didn't take one of the 'zillions' of black foster kids over a white one. But none of this actually relates to the issue for me, as my position is based on reproductive rights. My personal experience in this realm, which I don't feel the need to present because everyone is entitled to an opinion regardless of life experience, would make you shut your little mouth and feel silly for even trying to suggest that you know so much about being black, infertile, an adoptive parent, and educated person, or any combination of the above. Like I said, I don't hide behind clip-art avatars or psuedonyms, and do more than just ride the coattails of other bloggers who can actually write thought-provoking posts like this one. My opinion is my own and not based on some I-just-finished-reading-The-Bluest-Eye knee-jerk reaction that equates any love for a Causcasian being with being a House Negro. And it seems THAT is why you claim that I shouldn't "take [your] playing around on blog comments for granted." - because that's all you do. You comment. You don't actually raise the issues for discussion, you just throw your two cents in. Therefore, I don't know what you usually do. Because aside from a piece of clip-art and a cryptic pseudonym, you're pretty much nobody.
Now that that's done with, I'd rather spend my time writing my own blog than sit here explaining the fundamentals of intelligent discussion to some professional commenter.
Oh, and Field, I have actually heard that rule of thumb thing, I think it stems from the Temperance movement if I'm not mistaken? I also use the words "gyp" and "midget" more often than I should but I'm working on it...
Whats going on field?
Thembi you just managed to insult most people who post on this blog. Most of us just feel comfortable posting our little 2 cents, we don't want to write long comments hoping we look smarter than others. Are you saying we are all nobodies? You are not such a great writer yourself, all youi did was throw around insults that made no sense. oh man, I need a blog of my own. Oy vay
Anony said:
"You are not such a great writer yourself, all youi did was throw around insults that made no sense."
Wow, you mean you actually read the entire thesis? It looks too draining and long winded. This matter was just not worth expending all that time and energy. It's not that serious.
Thembi, no harm done on my end. Nothing personal.
Love to all...
This topic and thread remind me of the stories from history class when we read about early explorers of the ocean and how people feared that if they sailed to the horizon, they would fall off the edge of the earth.
Those of us who have married, adopted, loved, lived and worshipped across skin color lines have come back to tell you "land lubbers" that we've discovered a world of love, strife, happiness, heartbreak, achievement and challenge...exactly like the same-skincolor world that you inhabit.
In that awareness, I take comfort in knowing that non of us escapes strife or is given an advantage in the world because of such trivial concerns as skin color. As soon as you bring me an example of skin color-disadvantage, I can show you it's opposite number (probably times 2). So.....
The Field, as usual, has thrown down with some seriously provocative shit here and the passion uncovered in these posts attests to the deep well of primal feeling he has struck.
Those of us who have skin (I guess that's most of us) spend a great deal of time learning how to be comfortable within it. From my observations, it doesn't much matter what color you are, if you've got skin, you've got a challenge.
The challenge is how to reconcile what goes on in your head with what's going on with your skin. Unlike iPods, we can't purchase and install a new skin (Mr. Jackson, your dermatologist is on the iphone..)So the next best thing has got to involve a peace treaty with your skin.
Resolve never to:
1. Envy someone else's skin....hey you got your own... do something cool with it.
2. Let it (your skin) get in the way of business, education, or (and this is a tough one) religion.
3. Let someone play a (skin color-superiority) game on you or your children SInce DNA in humans in virtually identical.
4. Let anyone with skin tell you that it serves any purpose other than to keep you from looking like Aquaman dead on the beach.
5. Use skin color as a judge of anything. It's what you see in a person's eyes that can be considered important.
6. Forget...Love is Love is Love is Love.
Love our children no matter what..!
and oh yeah, if you don't get up and vote for "O" man you a punk, bro. (talkin' to you 2 sis)
peace, out.
dbmarin (hi field!)
I don't know. I understand that adopting a baby is tough and one must love the baby despite how he or she looks but I don't think I'd be too keen to adopt a white baby. Everywhere I go people would think I was the child's nanny...instead of their mother. It's a sad truth in our society
I personally think it is disgusting that a black couple would adopt a white child when there are so many black children that are out there needing to be adopted, even little ones, fresh new babies.
When I was a kid, that was the "In" thing to do, a white couple adopting black babies. Well, actually, there were a lot of little black babies out there needing to be adopted. So, a couple (on our white street) adopted a black baby who really wasn't a baby, but a 6 year old kid. One day I came home and this child was being harrassed by the usual bullies on the street. I stepped in, being a teenager at the time, and chased the bullies away. But, from then on, that little boy walked home with my brother (about the same age as the boy) and I at the same time. Life was just changing back then, but...
But, now, in this day and age, much hasn't changed and it is wrong, maybe just to me, to adopt a little white kid if you are black because there are so many little black kids that are homeless. Maybe it is reverse discrimination, but somehow, in this case, I do not think so.
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