THE RACE DRAFT

I caught a skit awhile back on my man, Dave Chapelle's show, and it involved a sort of racial draft. Each race could draft a person that they wanted to belong to their race, and it was done to look like a professional sports draft. Except, instead of teams drafting, it was the races.

It was some pretty funny stuff, but it made you think as well.

So anyway, the field was wondering, what if I had a similar draft of the ten white people we as black folks would want to adopt-or have play for- our race? And while I can't speak for the white race, I think I can pretty much figure ten people in our own race that they-the whites- wouldn't mind having as well. And we certainly will let those black folks the whites draft out of their "no trade clause"; because, let's face it, they aren't doing us any good.

So here goes:

1. Bill Clinton-This was an easy one. The first black President is loved by all black folks-although sometimes I have to wonder why-I have never seen a white man so comfortable around black folks and visa versa. Maybe it's the whole Baptist, and being born in the South thing, but Bubba is good around us folks. Besides, the way white folks went after him over Monica pissed us off. So with our number one pick, we will take Bubba, the 42nd President of the United States. Now, at least, we have a black President.

2. Bill Gates-While we are on Bills, we will take Bill Gates with the second pick. Sh*% all that money, and power. We would be fools not to. Besides, we need at least one black man in the billionaire boys club.

3. Bono-With the third pick, we are going with the U2 front man. Very cool, very conscious, and he cares about all the right causes. Besides, his music ain't too bad either.

4. Nancy Pelosi-Yeah I hear the moaning from the black crowd, they wanted someone sexier, more well known. {Maybe Madonna, or George Clooney} But relax, this is a good pick at number four. She will soon become the Majority Leader of the House, and with it, she will have a lot of power and influence. Don't believe all the bull sh&* republicans like to say about girlfriend, she is tough as nails, she stands her ground, and she never gives in to the "man". We need more of this in our race, so it's a good pick.

5. Morris Dees-More moaning from the black crowd, they think we are blowing a pick here. But trust me folks, this is another good one. This man runs the Southern Poverty Law Center, and has sued and won millions of dollars from the Klan, and the Aryan Nation. He also runs the Klan Watch so we can know what those racist SO B's are up to. Dude walks the walk, and is one of the people that influenced the fields decision to get into the legal profession. You will just have to trust me on this pick.

6. Larry Bird- OK , so his game wasn't all black; he was a little slower than we would like, and he didn't have the greatest hops. But damn he could stroke it, and he broke our hearts so many times, at least if he was one of us it wouldn't hurt so much. So "Larry Legend" comes to the black side with the sixth overall pick.

7. Robert De Niro- We might as well go ahead and take him with this pick. Heck, he is already banging all of our fine ass women.

8. Michael McDonald-Have you heard him sing? Close your eyes and listen and tell me if you don't think he is one of us.

9. Ralph Lauren/Tommy Hilfiger- I shouldn't have to explain this pick. It's not a bad pick at nine. Personally, I am not crazy about it, but I know how some of us are about wearing this stuff, so they might as well be one of us.

10. Eminem/Paul Wall-They-the whites- are going to take Tiger, because they still can't stand the thought of the world's best golfer being white. So f&*k it, we might as well take these two white rappers, because there are many black folks who can't stand the thought of a best selling rapper being white.

We are going to leave Cynthia McKinney, O.J., Michael Jackson, Al Sharpton, Bill Jefferson, Kofi Annan, and of course Clarence Thomas unprotected; so white folks, please feel free to draft them if you wish.

And now it's the white folks turn to pick:

1. With the number one pick in the 2006 race draft, the whites select Condoleeza Rice.
This is a good solid pick for the whites. She is well liked, powerful, and will fit in just fine.

2. Bill Cosby-This seems like a wasted pick at number two. Note to white folks; speaking out against black behaviour won't have the same impact coming from a white person.

3. Clarence Thomas-Of course; I actually thought they drafted him a looooong time ago.

4. Barrack Obama-Now this is a smart pick at four by the whites. Get the rising star with all the potential and popularity. Besides, he is half white, so the transition will be easy.

5. Barry Bonds-Ohhhhh, have they no shame? They just couldn't let us keep that record huh! Oh you whites are slick, I am going to give you that much.

6. Tiger Woods-The only surprise here, is that he lasted until number six.

7. Michael Jordon-This is getting ugly.

8. Oprah Winfrey-........maybe this wasn't such a good idea. All that money, all that power, gone!

9. Will Smith/Denzel Washington-I guess now Denzel can do interracial love scenes.

10. p-diddy- I am not sure about this pick, but you can have him.


The whites have left George Bush, Dick Cheyney,Tom Foley, George Allen, the Dixie Chicks, and Madonna unprotected. But I think we will pass. Although it would be nice to have a sitting black President in the White House.. Nawww 38% approval ratings, we will take our chances down the road.

****Now on a serious note: It's nice to see Camden New Jersey drop from number one on the most dangerous city list to number five. Camden, which is just across the bridge from the field here in Philly, has always complained about the stigma of being number one on such a dubious list, and the fact that the ranking keeps investors away. Ironically, the current number one and two cities respectively, {St Louis, and Detroit} both played each other in the World Series this year. Mmmmm, this can only mean that the Phillies might be heading for a fall classic soon. Because the way we have been murdering each other, there has to be a bullet beside our number 29 ranking.

The field is out.