It's Saturday Night and I am doing a little channel surfing, ESPN click, CNN click, TV One click, HBO click....wait HBO...OK, on HBO they are showing this feature called "Real Sex" and there are these people (I won't say their race)at this kind of sex farm pretending that they are all farm animals and doing all types of role playing with kinky sex acts and shit........Oh hell no! Enough of this. Hey, they can do what they want to on the farm, but that doesn't mean I have to watch it.
Then I head to my computer to read a few blogs, and maybe post a comment and I read this over at "Rachel's Tavern". Seems America has a fascination with interracial sex. Rachel makes some good points about the real reason behind the fascination with Bobby Cutts, and the Duke lacrosse case etc. On the Bobby Cutts thing I think I have to agree with her. Because of the name of my blog and the nature of some of my posts you should see the hits I get when people google words like nigger, negro, and anything that has to do with black folks. Lately with this Bobby Cutts thing I have seen quite an uptick in these types of searches, and I suspect that part of the outrage with old Bobby has to do not only with the fact that he might have killed this poor woman, but also with the fact that he was letting his "black snake" make her moan from time to time. Yep, it's a fascinating thing when race and sex intersect in America, and I am sure it makes for an interesting debate and discussion about us on many levels.
So anyway, then I surf over to my girl dnA's blog and I read this about black folks and how we compare to other groups when it comes to getting our groove on. I am not sure what to think of this, after all, we all know about the stereo types of the oversexed black bucks, and the promiscuous black females. ("Why Halle have to let a white man pop her to get an Oscar") So I don't know if beating other racial groups in how many times we have sex or how early we started is a good thing. Besides, I think white people lie about how often they have sex. I don't think they count sex with someone they don't really care about as sex. ("I did not have sexual relations with that woman")Maybe one of my white friends who often reads this blog will hip me on that one, I am not too sure. I think I read somewhere that the average American male has had something like seven sexual partners in his lifetime, and the average woman has had something like four. I don't know, that seems low to me. At least for America where we are constantly being inundated with sex it does. I wouldn't be surprised if we were lying about that; I mean we lie about everything else. From Bill Clinton to Mary Housewife from Iowa City, sex is at the top of the list of things we like to lie about. (Honey how was your vacation down in Jamaica? Oh sweetie the girls and I had a wonderful time, our tour guide, Dexter, could not have been nicer, I just wish you were there dear, I missed you so much") Yeah, I know a few of those Dexters down in Jamaica, and let's just say they do as much for Jamaican tourism as those nice beaches, and a certain plant.
I wonder how many sexual partners in a life time is really normal? How many would be too much, and how many would we consider an unrealistically low number? I know I would never ask some woman I really care about how many partners she has had. "So honey I am curious; how many times have you done the nasty in your life'? "Oh field do you really want to know? ""Yeah I think so. "Really?"" Yes really". "Well, let me think about it........oh I don't know, I would say about twenty or so maybe....""how old are you again; thirty? Hey, maybe we should start seeing other people." Memo to all the ladies out there, if you have been with more than one other guy in your life, never give a number to your significant other. But there is the flip side too: "So field, how many times have you had sex in your life?"" Well do all the times with you count as one?" "Ahh yes." "Well then I would say about three times maybe....""ha ha ha ha, yeah right, you are kidding right?" "Yeah yeah, I was just kidding, that's the ticket."
Honestly, a black man can't win out here, even when it comes to something as enjoyable as sex.
I wonder how many guys have been with Lark Voorhies?
33 comments:
People lie about most stuff. So, I'm not at all holding my breath for people to tell the truth about sex. It ain't gon' happen.
Field, here's a question for you and the other men: Do you men keep a count of all the women you've been with. Or do you guys do what you accuse white people of doing--Only count the women you care about?
I know women have a tendency to keep count. Even some of my more promiscuous friends keep a count. They remember every partner, even the ones they are ashamed about. One of my friends from college had slept with 68 men by the time we graduated from college. She kept their names on a list. LOL
"One of my friends from college had slept with 68 men by the time we graduated from college." Damn! Homegirl likes to party a little too much.
I never asked how many etc, it can pen up a can of worms & I have been put off in the past with people asking me this business. It makes no difference I guess unless you catch a nasty woman's disease.
In this day & age we need to keep sex partners to a minimum or you can find yourself counting how many pills you need to take a day.
Bygbaby
Asking how many partners your potential partner had sex with is sort of old school "safe sex" education. In this day in age, the questions must run in the vein of:
1. When were you tested last?
2. What were the results?
3. Do you have proof of your results?
4. Have you even being infected with anything?
5. What treatment, if any, did you receive?
6. What condoms do you use?
7. Do you know how to use a dental dam? *Do you know what a dental dam is?
8. What is that bump from?
9. When can we go get tested together?
10. Have you had sex with someone since the last time we had sex?
I mean come on...the old age of the more the more risk is sorta true. If we all really listen if you have had sex even once-you are at risk. It still blows my mind how many married folk never test themselves before and during marriage. Here is a fact, most STD/STI's are amongst women in self-proclaimed, committed or married.
Most of my girlfriend's that have gotten something it was from their boyfriend or husband. I ain't taking about the myth of all these brothers sleeping with each other. I mean husbands having someone on the side, paying strippers at the club, buying off the street, the assistant at work, the alto in the choir, massages with "happy endings", etc, etc.
It amazes me how many people say things like, "I ain't out there like that so whey would I need to get tested." or "I am a good person, I don't need to worry about that." Or the classic, "We been married for two year, why would we need to get test, we don't cheat on each other."
Everyone...All us black folk need to know our status. Here's a tip for older black folks-you aren't immune to STD's or HIV either. That is a growing population of infections. Older folks still have sex and therefore are at risk.
Basically, regardless know your status, test yourself regularly, and demand your partner(s) do the same.
Live to love another day!
STD's don't care about your character, career, education, relationship, marriage, income, religion, political party, region, etc, etc.
Look up free clinics in your area, find out if your health insurance covers the test, or pay for quick anonymous testing in your area.
Sorry for the long post, FN.
-DivineLavender
I think people lie about sex because they don't want the "promiscuous" tag put on them. Although for men, being able to hit it like Wilt Chamberlin did is some badge of honor.
My own take is that sex is held so highly for me, that I must be in love with my man, period, for him to get these cookies. Now, call me old-fashioned if you want, but I can say that I don't worry about STDs, too many partners, things like that.
I want to be as special to the man I love as he is to me. Too many partners mean too many explainations, especially if other consequences of random sex, such as babies, STDs, come into play.
My comments indicate that I'm not a "round the way" girl - and I hope that some man will appreciate it that I don't have a lot of milage on me. For those of you who do, please remember that your sex life does NOT define who you are as a human being.
Wherever you are in your sex life, the bottom line is you must love yourself before you can love someone else. Those who are promiscuous, it is always about looking for true love, and not just good sex. If one is that cold-blooded about having sex and it doesn't matter if they love their partner, that tells me that there may be a problem with loving themselves enough to respect themselves.
every man i've ever dated has asked me how many partners i've had. fortunately for me, my number is low enough that i can be honest, but i know it's one of those questions that can be a deal breaker for a lot of guys.
i do think those national average numbers are pure bull. or, they polled some people from the hills of vermont where the population is 100. i know of maybe three men that have been with seven or fewer women, and they were sheltered. lol. america lies, we should be used to it by now.
Alright, now. If some of you aren't careful, you'll have a "right brother" jumping onto this thread and patting you on the back (watch out for the knife)for "being a conservative".
"One of my friends from college had slept with 68 men by the time we graduated from college. She kept their names on a list. LOL"
Angie, I think I know that girl. Where did you go to college again?
But seriously, you guys raise some good points about sexuality in the here and now, and the reality of all these STD's etc.(Thank you for your comments devinelavender, that sh** was on point)
Bygbaby, I am with you, I wouldn't even ask anymore. (Too scared of the anwser) Which probably says more about me, and my issues than the person I happen to be with.
"...I must be in love with my man, period, for him to get these cookies."
LOL! Cookies? I don't know if I have ever heard that discription of....well that part of the body before :)
Bobby Cutts is going to get it because not only was the dead girl White...
But, so was his wife....
And the one he stalked that took out the restraining order....
That's 3 White women too many for most folk.
As for the sex issue...it's none of his business. The only thing he needs to care about me is my HIV/STD status.
And no, I'm not sleeping with anyone who won't go get tested WITH ME.
I might wind up a statistic, but I'm gonna make it as damn hard as possible.
Field...
Have you been dreaming about Lark again? Is that the real reason for this post? Tell the truth.
And look at Rikyrah going old school. You have to make sure he get's tested!
Luckily this is one issue that I don't have to worry about. I'm in such a low tax bracket that sex is not an option, lol. I guess you could say that this is one of the positive aspects of being poor in America. I call it...celibacy by circumstance.
But when I do start making money, I will have to navigate through this issue... And STD's scare the hell out of me! I'm concerned about how to approach the delicate issue of asking that question... "how many partners have you had"?
To the Christian progressive liberal, only those who believe as you do, would think liking sex and having sex without love has anything to do with self respect.
"..celibacy by circumstance."
AI,I am going to add that phrase to my field book of words :)
That's classic.
BTW, if I were to post about sex every time I thought about Lark, I woouldn't have time to write about anything else ;)
As for that question; don't ask it; just sneak a peek into her medicine cabinet.
Dude, it's tougher on the sisters. When I got married, I automatically became apprentice pimp-esque matchmaker between my small number of male friends and my wifes enormous number of single female pals. All of them say they are demure. Hmmm...but they are starting to openly wonder about white dudes and giggle (like it's an exotic taboo). And I don't mean girls' idle talk about Colin Farrell...
Hathor,
I'm well aware of people who want to get their groove on, and love doesn't enter into the equation. Those were my viewpoints as they pertain to me, and the women I know who were promiscuous, not only because they liked sex, but the reality was that they were looking for that man they were having sex with to love them.
So stop hating because our viewpoints are different. You can like sex, just like you can like to drink yourself into oblivion; my point is - you need to realize the risks you're taking when you do either:
Drink too much, your judgement is impaired. You either get behind the wheel of a car and either kill yourself, someone else or both of you. You may also go to bed with someone, if when sober, you wouldn't allow within 200 feet of you.
I love and respect myself - therefore, I treat this body with respect in order to have a long life. You're not the first to ridicule me on my stance in this area, but you won't get me to budge from it, either. You can be "liberated" in your views, but if the risks in your decision are not considered, you can blame the partner, or you can share in the blame equally.
Rikyrah is right - she may like sex, but not enough to risk her life giving it up to someone that won't get tested with her. I back my homegirl up 100% on this issue.
That's all I was trying to say.
And Field:
"Cookies" is what it's referred to, according to my nieces (who are in their mid to late 20s). Trying to keep up with the kid's slang and whatnot, LOL.
But when I do start making money, I will have to navigate through this issue... And STD's scare the hell out of me! I'm concerned about how to approach the delicate issue of asking that question... "how many partners have you had"?
Angry Independent,
Doesn't matter how MANY partners she's had.
One could have had 100, but be clean.
The other could have had 2, but unsafe sex with the WRONG person.
When you get back on the market, find out where there is free testing for HIV/STD's.
I'll be honest....
If you say, "let's go tested TOGETHER", and after the initial shock, they hem and haw...
Back up OFF of that.
As a woman, I need only know three things:
1. His HIV/STD status
2. Are you employed?
3. Do you have any children/are you CURRENT WITH CHILD SUPPORT?
If the wrong answers come up to these questions, then I have to take a pass.
FN,
DId you see that your outgoing Mayor was trying to get an IPod?
Isn't that why he needed to GO?
When I can't sleep, I count my sex partners chronologically, from the first to the last. I think I count up to 24, but by then I'm pretty sleepy and thinking about this and that.
When were you tested last? 2 year ago
2. What were the results? negative
3. Do you have proof of your results? yes
4. Have you even being infected with anything? No
5. What treatment, if any, did you receive? N/A
6. What condoms do you use? Whatever's cheapest
7. Do you know how to use a dental dam? *Do you know what a dental dam is? Nope, I like skin on skin.
8. What is that bump from? It's my buttocks, silly!
9. When can we go get tested together? As soon as my wife agrees.
10. Have you had sex with someone since the last time we had sex? I don't know. When did we have sex last?
DivineLavender - Great list of questions! One thing about test results is if they are not fresh & you went them, they mean nothing + whose to say that the person did not engage in risky behavior(s) after the test was done. I say all potential sex partners need to be treated like enemy combatants. At the same time we need trust. I am happy that I am not out there & I have trust in my spouse that I feel like I do not have to worry.
Francis - You are a trip!
"FN,
DId you see that your outgoing Mayor was trying to get an IPod?
Isn't that why he needed to GO? "
Well rikyrah, I am torn on this one. I have been a big critic of the Mayor of late, but I am not sure if this is such a big deal. The guy is a huge gadget fan, and he really didn't have any Mayorial finctions on the day he was waiting on line for his I-Phone.
Still, he should have used better judgement than to wait in public all day for a stupid phone. As was to be expected;his critics have been all over him.
I think if his wife were at home there is no way she would have let him do this.
Am I the first white guy to post on this?
I'm 28, and I've only had sex with two people. Both during relationships.
Most of my middle class white and Asian friends have had more partners than me, but usually within relationships. One guy I know (Indian-American) is 30 and a virgin.
I'm middle class, but I just spent the last two years working in a legal aid office in rural Appalachia.
My clients were half white, half black. Both races had a LOT more sex than I have/had, so we need to keep class in mind. That sounds horrible, but poor people just have more sex, period. I mean, it's free!
Also, we're not taking into account the skewing effect of gay men. I have gay and bisexual male friend (I'm straight) and they have ALOT of partners. One guy I know wants to get action every Friday, so he gets online around 10PM and starts trolling the sex sites. He tells me sometimes it takes a while, but usually by 3 or 4am he's found someone for the night.
I only speak for white guys here, but I think either poor white guys are skewing the results UP for white males in general (I think middle-class whites do it less) or white males are generally exaggerating.
Jimbo
Also, I want to comment on something field said: Seven for males in a lifetime seems low and whites are lying because we're inundated with sex.
There's a difference between society inundating us with sexual themes (constantly) and having sex.
My opinion is that it's that inundation with sexual themes that causes field to think the number is low, it's also the same reason people exaggerate the number UP on sex surveys that are not anonymous: because all the sexuality around us makes many of us think we're wierd for not fucking alot or sleeping with many people.
Also, again speaking only for white guys here... there are white guys out there who do it early and often, if you get my drift. But that's the nature of statistical surveys: if they're truthful about their sexual history, that means there have to be a LARGER number of white dudes out there writing down that they've slept with 3 or fewer women to balance out the numbers.
Jimbo
"celibacy by circumstance" Angry Independent
AI, that's hilarious as hell. I'm still laughing at you.
Brotha, you got to let the sistas know that you're on your way up. LOL Let them know they may get a cash return later on for making a notable investment in you. (smile)
My friend is dating this guy that's in med school. Well, she's all complaining, talking about he don't have any money to take her out. I always tell her that she got to think long term. (smile) He may not have anymoney now; but in the future he will have big bank.
AI, I hear you. Navigating out here is scary as hell. But Rikyrah is right. It doesn't matter how many men she's been with before you. What matters is if she was safe and is she infected with something she can pass on to you.
Brotha, whatever you do, be safe.
And Field: You better do more research than looking in her medicine cabinet. Okay...
Angie
Christian progressive liberal,
Interesting how you read all that stuff in my statement. I had no intention to say that having sex shouldn't be safe sex or you should not have any responsibility. Why do you think I hate you. I don't even know you and you have not done anything to me that I know of. I assumed that you that you were taking a morally superior attitude here. From your statement, I got the impression that self respect was all that was needed to be safe.
There are many more aspects of my life that require ethical behavior and my self respect is not determined on how I view sex. Being in love and in a relationship is no guarantee that you will not act foolish or loose your self respect, it is a lot more than just about sex.
Field,
Sorry to disappoint, but the only thing remotely female about me is my girly mixed boy hair. The rest of me is one burly package of high yellow half jewish FURY!
(I'm a dude.)
In any case, the best way to avoid this topic of conversation is not to keep count. Then even if you are asked, you don't know.
In my experience, it's been better to be with a woman who's had many partners than one who hasn't. Sometimes when people have had few partners they tend to mistake lust for love, and fear of rejection for genuine affection.
Peace,
dnA
dnA, sorry about that; I hope you did not catch any flack for my faux pas :)
Still, thanks for the link and a great article.
"In my experience, it's been better to be with a woman who's had many partners than one who hasn't. Sometimes when people have had few partners they tend to mistake lust for love, and fear of rejection for genuine affection".
Now that's an interesting take on this relationship thing, and it could be grist for a whole different post.
Peace.
No hard feelings of course. I remember assuming Digby was a dude, and she turned about to be a woman. You never know on the internets.
Field,
Your crush on Lark is hilarious. You probably know she's married, right?
Another good post.
Malik,
The Matrix For Real
sex is the lowest common factor when it comes to human beings. We all love sex. Sex is the only thing that is a human need that is tied into our mind emotionally. Sex is important. can't have a relationship with out gettiing it somewhere. So the fact that every other topic is tied intp it seems normal to me.
hahahahah...ok now this was hilarious. thank you for the thoughts and the humor.
I appreciate the dialogue segment. it sounds a lil familiar to me.
ok, field. you are alright with me for real
Field--I have some sex talk for you as of 5:55pm on 7/2/07
"F**CK Scooter Libby, and MuthaF**CK George Bush..."
Whoo! It's gettin' hot in here y'all! My little ears are scandalized by that lascivious sex talk from Christopher Chambers! Goodness, Chris! We're gonna have to get you a pole spiked with barbed wire. I'll bet George will really like that.
In all seriousness, I definitely think Lavender's questions are a necessity, but even so, people lie about how many folks they've been with and they can do some damage in the hour after they get tested. Y'all ever meet the guy who claims he's a virgin/celibate because then women want to the be "the one" to turn him out? And then he gives folks herpes? You ever meet the woman who believes she's not at risk for anything because she's just giving oral sex to some guy...and then that sore throat is actually gonorrea? Yeah, once upon a time I knew both of those folks and if you asked them, they'd say they weren't sexually active.
Sigh. I think if I were single, I'd probably want to stick to hand-holding. Sex is great but staying alive is better.
I got a kick out of this:
Besides, I think white people lie about how often they have sex. I don't think they count sex with someone they don't really care about as sex. ("I did not have sexual relations with that woman")
...but I did not get a kick out of the fellow who isn't having sex because he doesn't have any money. I mean that it bummed me out. It's reality, I know, a lot of women won't date or be with a man who isn't well employed, but...I wish that was something that got challenged, and would change. Especially since it seems like more and more people are having less and less money. The men-without-money thing always makes me think of women-without-model-good-looks, and rejection on either of those grounds just seems like a rip off across the board, for everybody. (I live in the Hollywood area of Los Angeles, btw, where sometimes it seems like no one *doesn't* look like a model.)
This is probably a strange thing to say, but it's true - I had the best sex and the sweetest time I've ever had with a man so far, with a guy who was living in a tent on someone's roof when I met him. And on public assistance. Granted, this was back in college, and also it was in Santa Cruz, California, and a lot of otherwise-rich white kids lived in tents in the woods just for the hell of it, so this one guy's circumstances were somewhat normalized in that context. (Although he was not a former rich kid himself.) Point being, I'm not faulting anybody for not wanting to date someone who is incapable of taking care of him/herself, and I know that having a job is sometimes an indicator of that. Nor am I faulting anyone for wanting to date someone she/he is attracted to, and models need love too, ahem. I'm just saying I wish everybody got to have more sex they liked, with people they liked having it with, without having to earn x amount or look like x, etc.
I do have a question - why does it weird men out to know how many people their prospective female partner has had? Since it doesn't bother me to know that about someone I like (although I've never cared enough to ask, either), I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that it's a deal breaker for men. I'm genuinely curious.
Thank you.
Guys are expected to take care of their women (pamper them etc). It is harder for a guy to find somebody to have sex with than it is for a woman. So the issue is not guys competing with women. The issue is that no guy (even those who claim it does not bother them) wants a woman with alot of "mileage" from elsewhere. It is even worse if the "mileage" was understated and later discovered to be actually very very high! Some have given experience as an advantage of having had many patterners. Nobody is born with experience and it can be aquired with one's patterner. I do not think one has to sleep with hordes of people to acquire experience. I do not want to be the guy that the women who have been busy sowing their wilds while I was busting myself in school for a decent future come to settle down with. Right now, I come across many of them but I have to pass! Yes,I am oldfashioned!
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