"THE DATING GAME"

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"The problem is all inside your head, she said to me The answer is easy if you take it logically I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free There must be fifty ways to leave your lover She said it's really not my habit to intrude Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude There must be fifty ways to leave your lover Fifty ways to leave your lover" ~~Paul Simon~~

I know that's not exactly a Valentine's (If I hear one of my cousins say Valen-times one more time I will scream) Day song for you romantically inclined, but it's the best one I could think of under the circumstances.

See it's like this: While eating out with the lovely Mrs. Field, earlier,--- in a restaurant where I had to pay half the cost of the Stimulus Package for the damn entree---I had a very interesting and chilly discussion prompted by me making the serious mistake of ordering first. Mrs. Field said that if we were still dating that would have probably been a second date killer. "Field, never ever ever order before your date, it's selfish and impolite. I thought you knew that." Actually I did know that, but being married too long can make you lazy.

Anywhooo, Mrs. Field went into a long litany of things that can be a second date killer for black women. It might not have been fifty ( I will give you twenty), and it's not ways to lose your lover, it's ways that your lover will lose you. My melanin challenged friends, please hang with me on this one, these do's and don'ts primarily apply to the brothers and sisters among us, although I suspect that some of them might be universal. So here are some of the rules outlined by Mrs. Field (she swears that they are sister universal) for you brothers who want to make a love connection.

1. Do not expect your date to pay a dime on your first five dates. After five, the conventional wisdom is that you will know each other well enough for her to offer to pick up a tip, pay the cab fare, or the cost of two movie tickets. And make sure you know what type of food she likes before you make those reservations. Might not be cool to take her to a sea food restaurant if she is allergic to sea food.

2. Do make sure you tell her the type of date it is so that she won't be over or under dressed. If she asks you what you are wearing, be honest. Don't say just some jeans and a nice shirt and show up in a three button suit.

3. Do not flirt with the waitress. I don't care if she is a dead ringer for Nia Long with a Toni Braxton body. Look away my brothers, look away.

4. Do leave a nice tip. (On the East Coast that's 20 to 25%) women hate small tippers.

5. Do not order before her. ( This is the one that started this discussion)

6. Listen listen listen. Talk about yourself only if she asks.

7. Turn your cell phone off before you pull up to her door. And if it's on and it happens to ring, YOU MUST ANSWER IT. Once you answer it, make sure to keep the conversation very short.

8. Do not go to a restaurant where you are well known, or where you have been with other dates. The hostess mistaking your date for the last one is not cool.

9. Do not go to a fast food restaurant on your first date. Now I know this one seems a bit obvious but some of you brothers are a trip. Believe me, it needs to be said.

10. If the *usher (host,hostess, Maitre De. *"Lyrical Soul" caught me slipping with the church reference) seats you close to the kitchen ask for another seat, even if you have to wait a little longer. Trust me on this one.

11. On your first date, remember, only a hug goodnight. No more. Brothers, I know it can be hard sometimes, but believe me, if your date went well, there will be lots more to come later. A sister knows the moment she lays eyes on you if she is going to give you some. It might take awhile, or not so long, but if she is going to give you some only you can ruin it for yourself.

12. No flowers on the first date. In fact, no flowers on the second or third date, unless, of course, she tells you that she really loves flowers. Or unless your date happens to fall on Valentines Day or her birthday.

13. I shouldn't have to tell you this, but I will. Make sure she is inside her house before you drive off.

14. Call her the next day to make sure she is alright and is not suffering from major food poisoning from the sword fish she ate at the fancy sea food restaurant you took her to.

15. Oh, and speaking of fancy restaurants, please at least have a clue about what is fancy and what is not. Do not tell her that you are taking her to this really fancy place in town and pull up at "Red Lobster". Your ears will be ringing for a long time from girlfriend talking about you to her friends.

16. Make sure your grooming is tight. Your nails should be clean, just enough cologne, (not too much like some of my Af... never mind, just don't over do it with the cologne.) and an outfit that you really feel comfortable in.

17. Now this next one is tricky: The car door dilemma. Do you or do you not open her car door? I could do an entire post on this one. As a rule, you should probably hop around and get her door on your first couple of dates. Quite a few women will just get it themselves, and not be offended. Some , on the other hand, will expect you to get the door, and will be offended if you don't. This is one of those deals where you will just have to get a feel for your subject. Now in inclement weather you ALWAYS get the door. And if you are approaching the car from her side you ALWAYS get the door as well.

18. Don't take your date to a play unless you know that she likes plays. Don't take her to an art gallery unless she tells you that she loves to go to art galleries. And don't take her to an NBA game unless she tells you that she just loves basketball. And even then, you should probably wait until you are deeper into your relationship before you take her to see AI at the Wachovia Center.

19. Do not improvise on the first couple of dates, if you tell her it's dinner and a movie, make sure it's dinner and a movie. Not dinner, a movie, and stop by my boy Pookie's house for a card game. That's not cool.

20. Finally, and I know that this is hard for you colored folks. But be on time! If you tell her you are picking her up at 7:00PM, pick her up at 7:00PM. If you have to wait on her that's fine, just make sure that your ass is on time. Did I mention listen listen listen?

Now follow these simple rules my brothers and next Valentine's Day you will be sending the field a thank you card. Or, better yet, a wedding invitation. :)

*That pic is courtesy of blackpeoplemeet.net

"Jungle Fever", or just a slight temperature?

Looks like I am going to revisit this issue (interracial relationships) sooner than I thought.

What spurred me to thinking about this was an article I saw yesterday which I featured on my sidebar here. That, and a trip I took to the King Of Prussia Mall yesterday. The King Of Prussia Mall is, I think, the second largest in the country, so it was a perfect lab for my little experiment; especially on a busy Saturday afternoon in August.

Now of all the couples I saw yesterday- I am going to guess that I saw maybe nine or ten interracial ones; and none of them seemed to be black women with white men. Everyone of the interracial couples I saw seemed to be a white woman with a black man. ( I keep saying "seemed to be" because you just never know anymore)

So what does that tell you? Well it tells me that (and I know it was a very small sampling) black men with white women still far out number the alternative. So, in a way, the fact that according to the census bureau there are now 117,000 black woman white men couples in America, as opposed to 95,000 in 2000, (how do they keep track of this shit?) I guess that means we are making progress. Or could that just simply mean that the black female is changing her criteria for dating? According to the article I feature here, I think it means both. What the author seems to be saying; is that black woman can finally acknowledge that there are some f****d up pathologies with black men, and that their-black men's numbers, are too few based on a series of unfortunate social phenomenon. And if they can openly say this, isn't that progress? I don't know, is it?

Let me say for the record, that I don't now, nor have I ever had a problem with interracial relationships. To take that position would go against my libertarian streak. However, personally, I have never dated outside of my race. (I take that back; I did date a Chinese and a Syrian on two separate occasions; both of who were Jamaicans born and raised. I am not sure where that stacks up) I just always found sisters more attractive, and with very few exceptions, found that we have so much more in common. But I have never gotten on brothers and sisters who do, because relationships are something that's personal to the individual. Why pretend you are someone you are not just do date someone in your own race when you are going to be miserable in the long run? It's why I suspect that people like Clarence Thomas, Ward Coonerly, and Angela McGlowan, have all married outside of their race. They are much more comfortable with people who think like they do and who they perceive to be beautiful. Now do I agree with these people? HELL NO! But it's not because they are married to white people; no, it's because they hate themselves, and could not marry anyone but a white person.

I am guessing that most of the sisters who are now finding themselves in interracial relationships are not like the people I just mentioned. At least I hope they are not. I am guessing they have just run out of options, and they are just not finding good brothers out here. So, they look for just any good man period, be he white, purple, or whatever; who shares some things in common with them, and who will at least make them happy. You can't blame them for that; everyone wants to be happy. And if our brothers are in jail, killing each other in record numbers, or if girlfriend gets a job in Boise Idaho, just what would we expect girlfriend to do? Keep running to the store to buy triple A batteries for the rest of her life?

Now the article also mentioned some web sites; and at the risk at starting an e-fight with this issue all over again, I must say that I take umbrage with some of them. Dating outside of your race to make yourself happy is one thing. But dating outside of your race, and trashing brothers (or sisters) on your way to the other side is quite another. I have been in the company of some ignorant ass brothers who proudly declare; that they would never go back to dating sisters, because....well, fill in the blank. Now that's some ignorant shit. Just like the sisters on their web sites who slam brothers for whatever reason. Usually it's because some Ike had done her Tina wrong at one point in her life. So they cheer like hell because Whitney left Bobby; not because Bobby introduced her to the crack pipe, but because Bobby is... well.... a brother. Now that's some ignorant self hating shit for your ass. The irony is, that these types of people always seem to end up being miserable no matter what the race of their partner is. Real live cases of shit attracting flies if you get where I am coming from.

I have a white colleague, a very successful attorney here in Philly, who will only date sisters. And he does alright. Trust me, I have seen the dime pieces by his side as proof. But he does it for purely superficial reasons. He finds black women much more attractive that white ones, so for his own selfish reasons, he prefers to get his freak on with only sisters. Call me a hypocrite, but if a black man takes this exact position about white women it pisses me off. Why? I don't know maybe it's because unlike the sister, he has so much more choices. So to right off a sister because you find white women more attractive smacks of self hatred to me. It doesn't bother me when my white colleague displays those traits because his race and what it brings him will not make that an issue. But for a black man in this country, self hatred is a luxury you can ill afford, so if you find it manifesting itself in any way you should check yourself.

I am going to revisit this issue again, because I think it's important, and because there are so many other facets of this -such as the children of interracial relationships that I didn't touch on. I am heading back to the Mall now, but I promise you, I am just going to shop this time.