"Freehold Iowa- Wednesday evening, Pastor Deacon Fred sent elderly white church members into a tizzy of profane catcalls when he announced that Landover Baptist would be admitting people of color into the main sanctuary for the first time in history. He assuaged their fears by confiding that coloreds would have limited access to the general congregation and would be restricted to hidden areas. "We've got to face it my friends," he said, "It's not the same world anymore. There are colored folks in this town who make more money than some of our tin-level tithers, and cash doesn't discriminate based on color. It's all green to Jesus and He doesn't care if it comes out of a Negro's shoe, or a white man's wallet, as long as it ends up in our offering plates on Sunday morning. Praise God!"
Landover Baptist will utilize a screening process invented by wealthy, educated colored folks. "We understand that people of color with money are just as leery of other Nubians whose ancestors were apparently so hideously unattractive that no obese, drunken white man could even bring himself to rape them," said Pastor Deacon Fred. Since Coloreds have developed a successful process for screening out their undesirables, and since we don't have much experience in these matters, the Board of Deacons at Landover Baptist is advising that whites borrow from a pre-existing process that people of color are already very comfortable with. "We understand that this is a very exciting time for local Negroes," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "For many, it's their first opportunity to worship in a real church, with a floor that doesn't turn to mud when it rains, and to be among people whose parents and grandparents first introduced their ancestors to the lashing Love of Jesus. If it's any indication of their eagerness, there is a already a long list of applicants who have paid the non refundable $50.00 admittance test fee."
Prospective Negro church members annual household income must exceed $148,000 (as verified by non-colored accountants) to qualify for the following admittance tests:
1. Brown Paper Bag Test:A brown paper bag will be placed next to the face of each candidate. If the skin of the candidate is darker than the bag, they will not be admitted into the church. If such a person is unable to tap-dance or engage in any other harmless talent to the delight of the families making their way from the reserved parking decks, they will be immediately escorted by Pastor Sergeant Connor into the next county. Those Negroes who pass this initial test will then be directed to the appropriate ticket window and should then pay careful attention to the three signs for the new, separate entrances: Brown Paper Bag , High Yellow, and Passing. Out of loving Christian concern, we understand that if an individual falls into one category, they will be uncomfortable if they are seated in the company of another category. As such, one of the domestics employed by the Ladies of Landover will make a binding, non-appealable, decision regarding where you will sit based on your skin tone.
2. Pencil Test:A pencil will be placed through the hairy naps at the back of the head of each candidate. If the pencil stays in the naps without support, the candidate will be denied access to the church, but will be permitted to join us in worship from the parking lot if a love offering is make in advance.
3. Bible Balance Test:A Bible will be placed at the tuft of the back, just above the buttocks of the candidate. If the hind end is jutted in such a way that it holds the Bible in place without support, the candidate will be denied access to the main sanctuary, but will be permitted to join us in worship in the caged area behind the one way mirror above the center balcony.
4. Pronunciation Test:Candidates will be given a series of simple English sentences to memorize and recite (example: "I say, don't you rather think that this pish-posh about it being dreadfully inclement was balderdash, as it appears that it shall be most agreeably lovely – just absolutely, gloriously brilliant -- for well into the next fortnight, no?" ) If the candidate forgets or mispronounces any of the words, or if the Pastor doing the testing is not comfortable with their quarrelsome or uppity inflection, they will not be admitted to the main sanctuary, but will be allowed to join us in worship from the parking lot or from behind the one way mirror above the center balcony.
5. Special TestFor legal reasons, we do not discuss this special test publicly.
Historical Note: Previously, people of color were confined to the small caged area to the rear of main sanctuary where they were forced to stand behind a one way mirror. Coloreds were also permitted to sit out in the field behind the church and watch services on the outdoor jumbo-tron above the parking lot. Since, in bald violation of States' Rights and etiquette, the US Marshals' surprise raid in 1972 forced Landover members to finally free their slaves, white parishioners have since suffered greatly for the Lord's sake. In some extreme cases, members who cannot afford servants are even forced to do their own cooking and cleaning. Most Landover Baptist members retain their family slaves in the form of "indentured servants." These faithful and happy servants retain their previous living quarters and are given a small salary for food and clothing. In return, they are blessed daily with the privilege of serving the last generation of True American Christians™ in Freehold, Iowa. These faithful servants await their reward in Heaven where, God willing, they will continue 5 star service to God's chosen people who will become their masters in mansions of Glory.
Special Notice: As a privately funded non-profit religious institution, the Landover Baptist Church reserves the right to discriminate based on race, religion, sexual preference, size, weight, height, age, sex, and political affiliation. "
More about my favorite church here.