I left my office kind of late tonight, and then I went to West Philly to hit up my favorite Jamaican restaurant for some takeout. I am busting it up Roosevelt Boulevard because the food is smelling in the car and I can't wait to get home and throw down. -Yes, I will admit it; I was "starving like Marvin". -In a perfect world I get home before my food is even warm, I lay out my goodies on the table, and I partake.
But that is in a perfect world. In my world things never quite happen how you want them to. Rrrrrng rrrng rrrng. That would be Mrs. Field chirping me. "Field can you stop by the store and get lots and lots of candy, I forgot to pick some up on the way home and it's Halloween tomorrow. Did you forget?"" No, I didn't forget, I thought we weren't doing Halloween this year."" What made you think that?" " Well, honestly, I am really not down for having little kids ringing my bell on a Saturday evening when I am trying to do other things.'" What field, like watch the games? Just get the candy, please."
So I am in the damn grocery story picking over all sorts of candy to fill into little plastic pumpkin bowls. I am doing this so that the little crumb snatchers can invade my space and line their bags with their grubby little hands. A pirate; a witch; a monster; Batman; Spiderman....it will go on and on until the last candy bowl is cleaned out. And, of course, Mrs. Field will tell me to put out more candy. Field, you know there is more candy in there, put out some more bowls.
Trick or treat! Like what are they going to do if I don't give them shit? Toilet paper my front door or my car? I don't think so. I am sorry folks, but around here where I live, these little snatchers aren't going to do squat. They might look scary in their little costumes, but I ain't scared of em. Besides, most of them have their parents with them, they wouldn't dare try anything with mommy and daddy in tow.
How did we get to this place? Isn't this supposed to be a christian country? And isn't Halloween some kind of pagan celebration? Why can't you all be like The Jehovah's Witness and just say no to fright night? A-merry-ca is a scary enough place as it is, we don't need a night to celebrate being scared. (See what you caused Jamie Lee?) The only people who love Halloween are dentists and costume store owners.
"Field, did you get the little mini Kit Kats?"" No, I didn't get the little minnie Kit Kats."" Well how close are you?" "I am real close," I lied. "Well could you stop at the drug store down the street, they have some in there. " Can someone please tell me what exactly is the relationship between candy and being scared to death?
Tomorrow night, just for spite, I am giving each kid just one piece of candy. That's what they get for making my damn curry goat rice and plantain get cold.