Sunday, April 04, 2010

Who decides who makes you happy?

*
I just caught the latest Tyler Perry flick. (Fellows, please forgive me, I had no choice. I owed Mrs. Field a chick flick.) So anywhoo, after seeing that movie about the perils of young and successful black folks hooking up, -Perry might have been on to something I thought about a post I saw from a brother over at AOL Black Voices. In the article he writes about people hooking up, or not, if they so choose. And people who judge other people based on what would make them happy, or, societal mores which, based on their own experiences, they think that we all should follow.

I know a sister, for instance, who happens to be a very attractive and successful attorney. She is single, I am guessing she is pushing 40, and I am pretty sure that she has no children. Other than in the courtroom (where she can be a Pitbull) she seems to be the happiest person in the world. Yet brothers are always going all Dick Tracy on old girl. "Field, what's up with her? Is she Gay or what? How come she hasn't hooked up with anyone?" I also know married couples with children who likewise seem happy and well adjusted. I know folks who are Gay who I could put in that same category as well. And, of course, there is the flip side. I am sure that I could point out folks in the categories I just mentioned who are not quite as happy and well adjusted. Point is, there is no set formula for happiness. Not when it comes to relationships.

This brother over at AOL Black Voices wrote:

"A good friend finds herself irritated by the incessant chatter about the "single black woman" phenomenon. She confides that she recognizes the challenges that many black women face in pursuit of love and she feels for them, but she's coming from a different place. At age 38, she has no interest in walking down the aisle, settling down or raising children. She never has. Therefore, the logistics and statistics for finding a good (black) man don't mean a lot to her on a personal level. Perhaps, she's a bit of a loner that way, but she's definitely not alone in how she feels. It's true, however, that love, marriage and a baby carriage are high on the list of most single women and preferably in that order. Women are socialized to believe that being a mother, with a loving husband in tow, is the holy grail of womanhood..."

That last sentence might be true, but I don't think it makes it right. This is going to sound strange from someone who is always preaching about the power of the collective. But when it comes to relationships, I am of the opinion that it should be all about the individual and what floats their particular boat.

So when I read where the brother wrote this:

" I understand that protecting our comfort zones is high priority. The doors become unhinged and the walls weaken when we feel threatened by people who believe and behave differently than the traditional manner most of us are accustomed to. Whether it's being openly gay, having an open marriage or, as in this case, declaring open season on the Pollyanna notion that all straight women want the same thing, society still gets its panties twisted up in a bunch at the thought of such things. The only thing most of us want open is our mouths so we can bark about how wrong a person is. And, if the spirit hits, we'll commence with stoning people with Bibles in the public square or on comment boards.As Erykah Badu states it at the end of her new video, "people assassinate that which they do not understand." To my friend (and everyone like her), continue to be you. People will always sound the alarms simply because someone sets fire to their safe and neatly packaged belief systems." [Link]

I was glad it's Sunday cause I wanted to say Amen!





201 comments:

1 – 200 of 201   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

It's quite interesting that the pic accompanying this article is of a very dark skinded brother and a very light skinded sister.

Roderick said...

people assassinate that which they do not understand."

Ain't that the damn truth.

hennasplace said...

Field:

I am not going to see the movie because, and waiting to see Tyler Perry come out with For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enough only because Ntozake Shange is writing the screenplay for the film, and hope that allow someone else to direct it other than him. I digress.
I am one of the those women who has not made marriage high priority on my list to do in life. I think when I was younger some guy would tell me that I would make a good wife, I ran in the other direction because it wife meant to him a housekeeper. Why pay for a housekeeper when you can marry one. Thank you, my mother did not name me Hazel. I do not want to change my last name which is a hassle to me something I which I never understood why I had to change my name besides I like my name as it has grown on me over the years. I do not want to live with anyone either. I like living alone. I like the feeling of walking through the door not having to speak to anyone. I can cook any meal I wish, sit and get involved with creative projects like knitting, jewelry making, and writing in my journal. Genealogy is my new hobby. This does not mean I am selfish person because I am the elected nurturer in my family. I am oldest and the only female in my immediate family. I have become the matriarch in the family and a mixed mag of a blessing and a curse because you become the emotional rock for everyone else. Relationships are important to me, but I need space between myself and the people in my life so it can be a healthy relationship. If I did not have hobbies to keep down the stress, I would not be a nice person and would need a Snickers bar. You have to work at being happy whether you are married or not.

I see Raquel Welch in person at the station the other day, and photos and television does not do this woman any just, she is stunning even approaching 70 this year. I think she works at being happy.

Tiki said...

Anonymous,

What does that matter? I'm not understanding your reasoning in mentioning that??

cactusrose said...

"Field, what's up with her? Is she Gay or what? How come she hasn't hooked up with anyone?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hahaha! Then they say we are the gossips huh.. LOL!

I just hve one thing to say snd I realize I'll prolly get a lot of flack for it, but I'm gonna be brave and say it anyway.

Women, if you don't want to get married, and you need your space, and you don't want to be anybody's unpaid maid. I can understand that and why. Men are no picnic, I love them dearly, but...well...;P

But...my thoughts are that children bring such immense joy, they are such a unique and only experience in life, whether you birth them or adopt them,I would say please don't miss out on having children. You will not regret it, ever...

Speaking solely for myself, I will say that I'm glad I struggled with mine, and that I thank God that I have them as a loving comfort as I approach my old age.

These are just my thoughts. I just feel strongly that no man or woman should miss out on the joys of having kids.

Justice58 said...

Field,

Eagles send McNabb to Redskins

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hpAbWzB2L9Zv0p4uzE_zJKgZxzUgD9ESJ0U00

Anonymous said...

What does that matter? I'm not understanding your reasoning in mentioning that??


Because a note preference for lighter women has deeply hurt black women both psychologically and on the dating market. Many older black women who have never been married are darker. Not to mention the proliferation of the 'light is right' mantra for women is subtly (or nor so subtly) reinforced in everything from advertisements to rap videos.

field negro said...

Justice, isn't that deep? Why the Iggles would trade "5" to someone in the division is beyond me. Oh well, we will see what happens.

Anon. I never even noticed when I posted that pic. I guess I am buying into this post racial (or should that be colorism) A-merry-ca with the rest of the folks.
Seriously, take it up with BET.

"Women, if you don't want to get married, and you need your space, and you don't want to be anybody's unpaid maid. I can understand that and why. Men are no picnic, I love them dearly, but...well...;P"

cactusrose, I co-sign.


hennasplace,it sounds like you are in a happy place. As Mrs. Field and her girls would say: "Do you".

Field Hand G said...

Great entry. You may think the following comment is meant to be funny, but it isn't. Until marriage to multiple partners is legal, I'll NEVER marry. And despite what most people think, my "twist" is not primarily for sexual reasons. Traditional marriage doesn't vibe with me, because I don't believe that Mother Nature created men to be monagamous (just watch any nature show, and the truth becomes evident). The conversation would be great, and no, I'm not a threesome guy, neither am I into the woman on woman stuff. Just one of those "oddballs" the bible folks consider to be "strange."

Bennett said...

"I just caught the latest Tyler Perry flick. (Fellows, please forgive me, I had no choice."

Yeah FN, but you were more manly and focused before you caught the flick.

Anon, Hell man, you're as bad as a tea partier... Oh wait.

Cactusrose. You're right, you know.

FHG: I guess that means no plans for a tux?

;)

hennasplace said...

Cactusrose:

I do not think everyone is made for parenthood whatever reason. It is a right to be a parent and something I take very seriously. Some people do have children for selfish reasons. I did not miss out because I watched my nieces and nephew grow. I think I have attended more dance recitals than my brother (he made everyone except for one). For those who want children than go for it, for those who do not want to be parents probably should not. My mother raised three children with the help my grandmother, and it was not a walk in the park for her because it was a struggle. My mother thought about getting an abortion when she was pregnant with my youngest brother because she couldn't afford another child as my father was not pulling his weight financially. My grandmother talked her out of it. She needed to get help from welfare to help supplement her income as 40 years ago, there was no maternity leave then and had to work until she gave birth against her doctor's advice because my brother was a low birth weight baby and when he was born his lung collapsed. My other brother had asthma and there were constant trips between the doctor's office and the ER room. I have seen times when my mother was completely frustrated and even said that if she had to do all over again, she would not have any children. I think that stemmed from when my mother wanted to enlist into Air Force and my grandmother said no. For some reason I did not take it personally because I saw my mother in her full humanity. A person who I loved dearly, but also knew she was a flawed human being like all of us. She worked hard for more than 30 years at the same job that she hated, but it provided for my brothers and me, and I wished she could have enjoyed her life more before she died. She sacrificed lot.

Bennett said...

...and hennasplace's last paragraph is beautifully true. Thanks for that.

Happy Easter

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

Henna:

I got a kick out of reading your comment. This was funny..."I would not be a nice person and would need a Snickers bar."

You're gonna enjoy genealogy once you get through the tedious, routine stuff, and start really digging. That's where the interesting and mindblowing stuff comes in at. Don't forget I told you that some of it will be mindblowing and you'll know what I'm talking about when you get to it. I kid you not. If you need any help on it let me know. I've been doing genealogy research since the late 1980s.

Rottnkid said...

This is going to to be a REALLY interesting that thread tonight. You hitting a lot of points Field Negro. Getting ready for the fun tonight. LOL

Roderick said...

Field, Eagles send McNabb to Redskins

What a big FU from the Eagles to McNabb. Damn

I guess the Eagles have to keep Vick now. I was hoping that Jerry Jones would get Vick as a back up for Romo.

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

Amen Bennett, her comments were sincere, heartwarming, and sort of a show and tell that regardless of who a person may be they are still human beings first and all have flaws...no one is perfect. I enjoyed reading them.

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

There was a 7.2 earthquake in downtown L.A., San Diego, and Baja. I felt like we were scheduled for one, so I'm not surprised. I pray that no one was seriously hurt.

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

Field:

I am waiting to hear Pat Robertson's routine statement regarding the earthquake in Southern California. I wonder what type of curse he'll say L.A. is guilty of since he loves to being a curse accuser.

Justice58 said...

What a big FU from the Eagles to McNabb. Damn


I'm shocked! Just shocked!

R.J. said...

Hey guys, I'm east of San Diego and I'm thankful that whoever designed my apartment building did their best. 7.2 earthquake and several aftershocks later there's no damage to report.

I know I'm not cut out for the traditional marriage and fatherhood. I tried to fit in that little box society squeezes men into once they reach adulthood and it's not for me. Believe me, I've tried and it's not happening.

As for McNabb, if the Iggles really wanted to say "eff u" to "5" they would have sent him to my Raiders.

La♥audiobooks said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Justice58 said...

Granny & all you guys out in Southern California area...

Stay safe!

La♥audiobooks said...

Sorry if I'm tilting the topic a bit...

One part of me is thinking that maybe the entire "some black women enjoy being by themselves" motto is a cop out from addressing the various compatibility problems why there are so many single marriageable black women - especially the ones who only seem to seek black men. Then again, I know some (black) women are happy being single without any attachments, or without possibly ending up having to raise little life snatchers by themselves etc.

I personally do not wish to get married ever, and I absolutely do not care to have the traditional responsibilities of a wife-mother-maid. I am already technically a single mother. (That doesn't mean I don't sympathize with black women who DO want a loving husband and complete family). I am fine with the loving boyfriend relationship that I have, and I didn't necessarily request the traditional responsibilities of a providing husband either, but I'm thankful it still comes to me. Also, unfortunately based on the sexist and the lack of "men of substance" society I live in, monogamous expectations don't seem to be practical for many black women living in my parts of the carib either way.

Anony 9:23 pm, thank you for your comment, they say ignorance is a bliss, but I think it's sometimes a convenience. Even when we see black couples in the media/advertisements, it's almost always a black male with a lighter skinned black female. For decades, this has become a common insidious benchmark that further hurt dark skinned black females. It also sends negative signals to again encourage black female dark skin discrimination, socially, romantically and even economically. How can someone with even an iota of observational skills could seem so "annoyed" at someone pointing this out is beyond me.

La♥audiobooks said...

Sorry Field, I had to delete a paragraph out of my first comment. I keep forgetting the world is now smaller and even my "neighbors and colleagues" could be lurking :)

hennasplace said...

Hi Granny:

I am enjoying discovering the history of my family tree. There are some secrets on my mother's side of the family. My grandmother did not marry my blood grandfather because he died in a tractor trailer accident before my mother was born. And researching names on the Census from 1790 to 1930 is a little challenging because names are spelled incorrectly. I probably will need some help. My father's side can possibly be trace to a John Oxendine from Virgina as far as 1690. He was believed to Turkish, but I do not know because it's based oral stories. In South Carolina, there are the Benenhaleys and Oxendine from what my dad told me is that Benenhaleys had their own elementary school and attend school with the white or black children, but had to attend the black high school. The Benenhaleys believed that they Indians, and a more complex and interesting story. I am going to need some help sorting out these mysteries. The Benenhaleys and Oxendines were freed people as the Choice who married an Oxendine was not a free person and come from the Bradley Plantation in South Carolina and made the choice of taking Choice as a sir name, and might difficult to find him on a Slave Census.

cactusrose said...

@ hennasplace: I went to your blog and saw the beautiful jewelry you make. I love it. I've dabbled a little, making earrings for me, but I just don't have the patience required, or the design talent that you do.

Your story brings to mind my own mothers struggles, and of course i respect and admire your point of view and decisions.
As I said, it's just my point of view, and believe me there have been moments when I've wanted to make it all go away also :)

You sound like you are very happy and satisfied and that is what matters, and maybe I even envy you a little.:P

La♥audiobooks said...

Henna said..."Relationships are important to me, but I need space between myself and the people in my life so it can be a healthy relationship. "


I agree. This is key.

agape2010 said...

@ FN:

And Vic is not going to start. He'll be the #2.

But all that means nothing if we (Skins) don't get a LT for McNabb he'll just be grazing in the grass on a better field...

And...McNabb is not that far from home so I can see him agreeing to go to DC

Peace.
~agape2010~

cactusrose said...

@Field: Amen is such a wonderful exclamation, and one should say it every day, not just on Sunday!:)

This island has continous tremors, I pray we don't get a big one anytime soon!

Space is paramount. As you well say,it's a super important factor in all relationships. Including with ones children.

Anonymous said...

"It's quite interesting that the pic accompanying this article is of a very dark skinded brother and a very light skinded sister."

Why is it "quite interesting?" I am beginning to think a lot of Blacks are more color conscious than any other race. Hell, even a pic about Blacks, marriage and relationships can upset some Blacks. Negroes can't win. They must find fault with themselves when Whites aren't around. Bitch, bitch, bitch.

I guess Field should have been more alert, more color conscious and cut out that light-skinned woman to keep the dark-skinned Negroes happy. That one dark and one light skin combo doesn't satisfy them.

Some days, Blacks make me sick.

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

Henna:

There are sometimes books that you can read online that you be able to find out some history on the names Benenhaleys and Oxendine. Try this link:

http://www.familysearch.org/eng/Library/FHLC/frameset_fhlc.asp

Try books on google and when that web page comes up type the surname or type history of + name of place, or google images and type in surname or whole name. I found a lot of information doing that. Get a membership with ancestry.com. On ancestry you might even find someone else that is doing the same research, and ancestry has a lot of history books for different places.

Be careful buying how to genealogy books because most of them are not worth two dead flies,are basic, and don't tell you what to do after you've found a certain document. I was able to find two good ones that tell you what to do after you've found certain documents that really unlocked doors for me.

Anyway, my e-mail address is on my profile if and when you need my help. I'd be more than happy to help you out, because I've been where you are at and getting past it is the hardest. BTW, don't dismiss anything told you orally by family no matter how it might not sound right because somewhere down the road, you'll wish you had wrote it down. They might be a little off due to memory, but you'll be surprise what even that might lead you to or what door it might open, and it usually turns out to be the truth.

When some of the older ones in my family that were slaves told me a lot stuff, I sort of dismissed some of it in my mind because it didn't make sense to me or didn't sound like it was worth anything of value in my research. I can't count how many times I wish I wouldn't have done that because it came back to haunt me later on and turn out to be a valuable piece of information to a puzzle. So write everything down no matter how it sounds or what you think, date it, and write the name of person who gave it to you because you don't want to make the same mistake that I and many others made.

hennasplace said...

Hey Cact:

I have to tell you something. I just started making jewelry a few months ago at jewelry making class at my local library that was free. Thank you so much. I have to work on being happy. I do not like my job either, but have to make the best of it until something else comes along. I am not one of those the power of positive thinking either because that can not end well either. I am under the premise to accept the things I can, the things I cannot things, and the wisdom to know the different. There are things in life that do suck, but I have to make the best of it. Happiness is not constant, and have to ride the wave when things are not so great. John Leguizamo had a quote "Happiness, what happiness? Life sucks and you just have to deal with it. It was funny when he said, but I knew what he meant as life for him while growing up was not fantastic, the experience has made him the person he is which is to accept and embrace the life you have for the alternative is not so great being that it is death.

Blinders Off said...

But when it comes to relationships, I am of the opinion that it should be all about the individual and what floats their particular boat.

I couldn't agree more with the above opinion.

I once said I will never get married and have children because I enjoyed being single. I also said I would never get married again after my divorce and being single again with two children. Never say never...twenty years later I am still with my second husband and I cannot imagine my life without him.

Happiness is not depended on living life as a single or married person...It is from within, regardless of society rules and statistics.

Bob said...

If one must assume anything, assume people are content the way they are unless they express discontent. People who want to get "hooked up" & can't usually gripe about it.

Anonymous said...

Field Hand G is exactly why I never married or had kids because too many men are faithless, disloyal, self absorbed, selfish, narcissists. I will puke if I hear another black cockhound blame Africa or Wild Kingdom for their immaturity. These adolescents make a bunch of babies as they skip from one woman to another with no intention of supporting their multiple families.

Brothers can barely take care of themselves so it is snidely amusing to hear them talk about how they are not cut out for monogamy. Or child support.

There are four of us, never married, no kids, professional, not gay, and leading very busy lives. When we get together, we never, ever talk about men because there are just too many other things to talk about like traveling, work, volunteering, hobbies, politics, etc. Nobody feels angry, bitter or cheated. I feel sorry for women who would like to be alone but were pressured by family and friends into "settling." I know women who do wish they never married or had kids and I don't envy their lives.

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

Justice58:

I am in Northern CA, but I have many relatives that live in Southern CA.


BTW, Henna, research that Bradley Plantation too, the white owner, and his family. You'll be surprise at how much information you can find out about your own family researching the white owner and his family history. Not only that you will discover a whole lot of stuff that is hidden so to speak.

Anonymous said...

"There are four of us, never married, no kids, professional, not gay, and leading very busy lives. When we get together, we never, ever talk about men because there are just too many other things to talk about like traveling, work, volunteering, hobbies, politics, etc. Nobody feels angry, bitter or cheated. I feel sorry for women who would like to be alone but were pressured by family and friends into "settling." I know women who do wish they never married or had kids and I don't envy their lives."

Good for you and your friends. Happiness and freedom is what life is about... being happy and at peace with oneself.

La♥audiobooks said...

Anony 11:55pm. I'm not dark skinned, but I "bitch" about it too. It is what it is, you can't pretend it isn't there, nor leaving anytime soon. And I don't think anyone was blaming Field, he really did nothing wrong. These type photo/pairings are so common now, you see them all over. And not everyone is conscience to the frustrating colorism implications - except for sometimes the ones they may hurt the most.

"This island has continous tremors, I pray we don't get a big one anytime soon!'

Cactusrose, I'm like 15 minutes away from you. We get them too, I think we're sitting on the same plate.

Granny, I would love to trace my family tree. I think it's tedious and useless with both sides of my family though. N one is making an effort. In fact, I think black descendants of African slaves shouldn't have to "pay" for genealogy test or ancestry tracking. There should have been a system in place courtesy of America and other Euro countries that implemented African slavery.

hennasplace said...

Granny:

I have N ancestry account. I am not discounted anyone's story, but need to verify the story. If this true, than it is an amazing and rare that I should have ancestor that lived a freed person in 1690. It just a little difficult when the older relatives have died

Anonymous:

I am sure that everyone posting a comment has every hue in their families. I have relatives who are dark-skinned and light-skinned. Do you have a problem with light-skinned? Pardon the pun, but you really need to lighting up. Blacks are not monolithic in political ideology or skin color. What are you going to do banish all the light-skinned people because you do not believe that they are not black enough?

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

Blinder:

I am so glad to hear that you made it back safe because you came across my mind today. Thank you Jesus!

BTW, you and Bob made some good points too. Happiness is within! Some people can't stand being alone, and with others it is the opposite. It all depends on the person. Some folks are happy with their mate, and others feel like they have the mate from hell. That's life and way it goes.

Yes, there are many people who are single and were pressured into getting a mate and regretted it later on. That's why that decision should be left entirely up to an individual because it is a choice in life like everything else in life is and people need to realize that they can't make people's choices for them.

cactusrose said...

hennasplace said:" John Leguizamo had a quote "Happiness, what happiness? Life sucks and you just have to deal with it. It was funny when he said, but I knew what he meant as life for him while growing up was not fantastic, the experience has made him the person he is which is to accept and embrace the life you have for the alternative is not so great being that it is death"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LOL! So true, you don't know how much I needed to hear that, I feel better now. 'cuz let me tell you, someone once told me "when u have small children u have small problems, Big children, big problems", and it really never ends because they always bring ot home to you in one way or another! LOL! But it's so true the alternative is being dead!

I was looking to see if u had an Etsy store or something?

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

LaAudio:

Trust me once you get pass the tedious stuff, it is well-worth it. And for those who are from the Carribeans there are records that you can research.

Whites have to pay for their genealogy research too and believe it or not they have some of the same problems we do. The only difference is that ours gets harder but not impossible before 1870, because most of our ancestors were listed in documents by first names and gender only. Nevertheless, once you find out who was the slaveowner, getting past that obstacle is easy.

Anonymous said...

"These type photo/pairings are so common now, you see them all over. And not everyone is conscience to the frustrating colorism implications - except for sometimes the ones they may hurt the most."

Yeah, I see what you mean. As I said to Field, they should not have that type of photo/pairings for our people. There should be only same dark color black pairings.

Those light skinned Blacks need to find another race and NOT get involved with dark-skinned men. That way color conscious people like you won't get hurt. Right?

Yeah, that's fair...no pun intended.

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

I had one grandfather who was a runaway, grandparents that were mixed, a grandfather who was sold when he was fifteen yrs old, one grandmother who was sold three times, a grandmother who was free, and one grandmother who was kidnapped in the Congo and her family left behind. If I told you about the white side of my family, you would be shocked, because a lot of them are connected to politics.

Our family histoy is like a movie. It has drama, murder, mystery, interracial relationships, tangled up branches, politics, civil rights stuff, court cases, radical stuff, tragedy, education, economics, music, sports, news, entrepeneurs, etc. I'll put it this way, it has everything in it that goes on in everyday life and some that stuff that went on back in the day.

I have pictures dating back to the 1800s.

cactusrose said...

La♥audiobooks said...
Cactusrose, I'm like 15 minutes away from you. We get them too, I think we're sitting on the same plate.

Yes, I think so too. Lord I hope we don't shake, rattle and roll anytime soon, bad enough with the hurricanes when they come!

Anonymous said...

Granny, "The only difference is that ours gets harder but not impossible before 1870, because most of our ancestors were listed in documents by first names and gender only. Nevertheless, once you find out who was the slaveowner, getting past that obstacle is easy."

How difficult is it finding out who the slaveowner was, and have you also discovered some 'distant' white relatives?

Anonymous said...

greetings from yard .....reading this most recent post made me think of two great blogs i just discovered..one is called quirky black girls,,,,its essentially by feminist black women.....its great ....and the other is fem men ist by a jamaican bredren ..who really writes some cool anti sexism stuff .......

if we really check it from my perspectives one of the biggest failures of our movements (im a black man ) has been the failure to really take on patriarchy ..
i personally love it whhen alll these roles get questioned....tolerance, openmindedness, freedom to be what you want to me without hurting
others

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

My mother dark-skinned, my father was very light-skinned and sometimes passed for white if it benefited family and sometimes friends. However, he was proud of being a black man.

La♥audiobooks said...

Granny, I think I am going to make an effort in the next year or so. I'm talking about tracing both sides of my family's black roots in the V.I., P. Rico, and D.R. I want to go way back to the African countries my black ancestors came from. I get excited thinking about it.

"Those light skinned Blacks need to find another race and NOT get involved with dark-skinned men. That way color conscious people like you won't get hurt. Right?"

Anony, your sarcasm is stupid. And you're crying a defensive river to the wrong person. I don't recall anyone stating or insinuating such a thing. You missed the point. I have stated before, for the record, (because it seems to be important) I am not dark skinned and I'm not light skinned, but I don't pretend to not know how the colorism shit works, especially when it comes to relationship preferences in black women. I also have all skin hues in my family, as most of us do.

Sometimes It amazes me how blacks of lighter skin complexions can write chapters on how some white people get defensive, or ignorantly refuse to see their skin privileges in a race struck world. Yet some of these same lighter skin blacks will turn in a whip to show their own defensiveness and ignorance to the "light skin" preferences and darker skin discriminations when it comes to global, as well as black on black colorism. The hypocrisy gives me a headache.

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

Anonymous 12:45:

Believe it or not, it is not that easy finding out who past slaveowners were. That is one of the hard parts, but once you find out who they are, it gets easier. Yes, I found out who many of my distant and not so distant white relatives are. Some of them I already knew. A few of them are doing genealogy too. They even collected some of our black relatives pictures. A couple of my white ancestors did not hide the fact that they had black children, it is written in a history book. One of them married his slave who was one of my ancestors.

Veronice said...

LaA said "Sometimes It amazes me how blacks of lighter skin complexions can write chapters on how some white people get defensive, or ignorantly refuse to see their skin privileges in a race struck world. Yet some of these same lighter skin blacks will turn in a whip to show their own defensiveness and ignorance to the "light skin" preferences and darker skin discriminations when it comes to global, as well as black on black colorism."

I am neither darkskinned. but that was well said, truly profound. I never thought about it that way.

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

LaAudio, if you do, start on the maternal side of your family first, because it is usually the easiest one to do. Whatever, you do, don't try to do both at the same time, except in gathering oral history from older family members.

BTW, Ancestry has a new program on television on NBC called, Who Do You Think You Are? that comes on Friday night. Check it out or you can watch it on On Demand if you have Comcast cable.

Anonymous said...

cactusrose, "Yes, I think so too. Lord I hope we don't shake, rattle and roll anytime soon, bad enough with the hurricanes when they come!"

Oh Lordy, you have earthquakes besides hurricanes? Well, with all the earthquakes happening around the world and the Pope turning out to be Satan, it wouldn't surprise me if we aren't nearing the end of the world.

I 'could' be wrong, but according to 'somewhere' in the Bible some islands are to disappear in the Carribean or some large body of water. That is, a few islands are to totally disappear with short sounding "plops"!

So, dear Cactusrose, no need to worry. There won't be much shaking or rolling..just a fast drop down. It'll be so fast that nobody will feel a thing. But don't worry, you'll have plenty of company because CA will be right behind you. Heck, maybe you and Granny can have a face to face discussion about genealogy as you are quickly squeezed into outer space out the back end of mother earth.:-)

And if Henna catches up with you the three of you can open up a genealogy/jewelry shop in outer space.... In the next life, of course.

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

Anonymous 1:22:

You are about the most miserable, negative, and bitter person posting on here. Your post reek of negativity and pure hatred, it must be hard being you.

I would say that I feel sorry for you, but for some reason I don't.

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

What is the name of that dark skinned high fashion model? She is real dark skinned and almost what we would call a blue black, but she is very beautiful woman and she looks good in whatever she models. Saying that to say this dark skinned black women are beautiful too at least in my opinion they are, because black is beautiful. Most dark skinned women usually date light skinned men or have them as mates.

Blinders Off said...

Thanks Granny,

The weather was beautiful going and coming back. Unfortunately, the heat in TX always flares my MS, but I am doing okay...I am too much of a fighter to let it keep me down for long :)

In reference to the genealogy conversation on this thread, it is an exhilarating journey tracing your roots. To date my family lineage has been traced to 1835.

Good night

La♥audiobooks said...

Granny, I thought it was kinda funny :)

Besides yourself and Henna, It seems like Cactusrose was the main target, I'm still trying to figure what she said or did to receive it. LOL.

cactusrose said...

Anonymous 1:22 AM said...
"And if Henna catches up with you the three of you can open up a genealogy/jewelry shop in outer space.... In the next life, of course."

Hahaha! Only I also paint, so it would be a geneology/jewelry/art shop LOL!
(that sounds good anonymous!)

G'night all, bedtime now,
the convo is great, but got errands tomorow. Nighty night!

dewdropsinportland said...

HA! I love this post! After searching high and low, finding and losing, I came to the realization that I am the happiest I have ever been in my adult life. I have found the secret to being single and happy for me, when society says I should have a man to complete me, is.. 1.) self love 2.) a solid group of single and happy friends 3.) an active sex life aka special friend.
I agree when it comes to love and relationships, people should do as they see fit. Single or married does not guarantee happiness. What guarantees happiness, in my humble opinion, is self love. Once you have that..it's all good!

agape2010 said...

@ FN:

I lead a rich full life...I have joy and guard my peace carefully...I have a wonderful family that sometimes gets on my nerves :)...I have a grown son that will come to help if I choose to call...I have a great group of fiends (both genders) that are my support system...I have a lifelong BFF that keeps me firmly grounded when I think too much of myself :) whose 3 yo I am Godmother to...

Still...

I would not mind having a special man to hold onto to at night...and wake up to in the morning...:p

Am I looking for him? No...however I am placing myself strategically to be in his line of vision :)

I found out in my 20's that happiness is fleeting...it's up to you to make yourself happy...individual responsibility :)

By the by...lots of news on 04/04...including the anniversary if the assassination of MLK JR (RIP)

Peace.
~agape2010~

Black Diaspora said...

You are the single most important person in the world, indeed, the universe.

And if you're having trouble with that statement, read on.

If you're not having trouble with that statement, read on.

If you're that self-assured--as to believe that you're the single most important person in the universe--then the elevation of the self comes pretty easy, a walk in the park, falling off the proverbial log.

It's okay to be selfish. To be self-centered. I know: some may get this twisted. What comes to mind readily are some of the comments upthread that equates "selfishness" and "self-centeredness" with the pursuit of one's own needs, whether sexually, or emotionally, at the expense of others.

That's not the kind of selfishness and self-centeredness of which I speak. That kind is not truly self-centered, or that kind wouldn't be seeking outside of his or herself that which only the self can provide.

I hope what I'm going to say next will surprise or even shock: You shouldn't need anyone. You shouldn't need anyone to love you, to cherish you, or to make you happy.

As someone upthread has suggested, and I state plainly: No one outside of yourself can make you happy. It's impossible.

And if you turn to others, a mate, friends, your family, or strangers on a plane, to make you happy, you'll be sorely disappointed.

They don't have the power to do so. And many marriages, and other relationships suffer drastically, because one or the other in the relationship is looking to the relationship to provide what is missing in one or the other.

No one. And I mean no one can give you what is missing in you, or what you think is missing in you. No one has that power.

And even if you find someone who you believe is giving you what is missing in you, he or she will resent you for it, because you will make unreasonable demands for it, and blame him or her if those demands aren't met.

You may not see it as such, but a need is an addiction. And like any addiction, we're always, at least most of the time, in need of a "fix," and when we don't get it, or in sufficient quantities to suppress the craving, we languish miserably within our world, and within our universe, bitterly blaming those we look to, to provide the fix, for failing us. (and those others may show up en masse or serially).

field negro said...

Here is hoping that all you folks in that earthquake zone out there on the left-coast stay safe.
Granny, be careful up in Oaktown.
R.J., you do the same down in SoCal.

Justice, I swear if the dead-skins and "5" come here and kick the birds butts this year I will be too pissed. :(

Agape..we are going to make a love connection on this very site for you. I would love nothing more than to go to a wedding where two people hooked up in the fields. :)

"I agree when it comes to love and relationships, people should do as they see fit. Single or married does not guarantee happiness. What guarantees happiness, in my humble opinion, is self love. Once you have that..it's all good!"

That was well said.

Black Diaspora said...

Cont.

Disillusioned, you may eventually fall back on the person who created the need, and who can offer the fix to remedy the need. You. Yourself.

Here's what you need to know: Within is where all your supposed needs may be met. In time, you may come to realize that you have within all that you have sought to find without. Love in abundance. Self-acceptance in abundance. Self-forgiveness in abundance. Joy. Happiness. Peace. All in abundance.

You merely have to turn to the self in earnest, and, as dewdropsinportland has said: Love yourself. Forgive yourself.

Perhaps then you'll find that decisions have power. You can decide to be happy, notwithstanding the seeming absence of conditions to evoke it; decide to be joyful, notwithstanding the seeming appearance of a joyless surrounding.

Does that mean, then, that relationships are no longer important, of whatever kind? No. They become more important than ever!

But now you enter them, not seeking something, wishing for something, desiring something from the other. You enter them for a much grander reason.

Further, you will easily know those others (They will now stand out!) who are seeking, and entering relationships for the purpose of fulfilling, satisfying, a need that they perceive within themselves.

You will pass them up, not because they're inferior in some way, but because you don't have what they're seeking, what they're needing.

You will seek out those like yourself. Those who have turned within and found a treasure trove of fullness, and completeness.

And you, with them, will use the relationship to celebrate your completeness, and celebrate your fullness.

There's no other reason to establish a relationship, than to harmonize your life with that of another.

Out of your fullness and completeness, do you share the essence of who you are.

Hathor said...

I never quite got how one could be happy without the actualization of some dream or desire being fulfilled or interaction with others.

MeandMyMicroscope said...

I don't buy into extended periods of "happiness" without a partner of some sort because there's a difference between making due and being "happy", whatever the hell that means, LOL!!!

And I'd like to think God got it right when he created partners for Adam and Eve.

khia213 said...

I was a professional, decent looking, woman with no children well into my forties. I was having a great time. My own house, disposable income and good friends. Men? At forty, I decided to date like a man and only went out with boytoys. Life was good. I never wanted children and laughed at the men who couldn't believe that i had no kids. (What? Nobody's birth control worked but mine?) Having accepted that canard about more likely to be killed by a terrorist than married after forty, I was set for a lfe of vacations at Hedonism and a plush retirement. Then, damn his eyes, The ONE showed up. I've now been married for 8 of the happiest years of my life. And people still don't get it. No one can believe I'm faithful, child-free and happy, in the same way they couldn't believe I was single, chid-free and happy. I've come to the conclusion, that people just don't believe that you can be happy, whatever your circumstances are.

uptownsteve said...

Yawn.

I see the usual suspects are back doing what they do.

"lack of men of substance", "they only want light-skinned or white women"...........

blah, blah, blah

There are some sisters who just don't want to be married for a variety of reasons (don't want to be tied down, can take of themselves, too busy...etc..)

I know several sisters like this and the amazing thing is that you never hear them whining about a shortage of good men...etc..

Their dance card is always full, they're happy and life is good.

What never ceasesto amaze me is that the ones who want to be in relationships but can never seem to find the "right" person or complain that there are so few men "on their level" never look at the one place where their problem truly exists.

The mirror.

alicia banks said...

wow fn

i think this is my fav post you have ever penned!

ditto to all

happiness is about personal choice...not conformity....always

all relationships are equally hard...children just make the mix more difficult and chances more challenging..forever

i love my life and choosing to be childless is the best gift/freedom/blessing/choice i have ever made...

i love tyler and all of his work!
i will see this film asap...i hate how rude and loud most people are at theatres...so i will probably wait until i can watch my own copy in my own hm as usual...

alicia banks said...

fhg:

i agree

my only problem with polygamy is that men who are not monogamous always demand that women be so...

like all relos, polygamy should be mutually free/fair...

http://aliciabanks.vox.com/library/post/polygamy-is-poppycock.html

alicia banks said...

laa:

ditto

i noticed the skin tone dif immediately

i always do

i see it in almost every black film/movie/mag ad etc

rarely ever do i see the reverse, ie a dark woman with a yellow man (yet another reason i love tyler for his great kim elise and shemar moore duo!..)

but i did not blame field

i blame the colorism that rules the planet!

it is real and always glaring all around me...always!

http://aliciabanks.vox.com/library/post/clarity-on-colorism---on-dont-play-in-the-sun.html

alicia banks said...

laa:

ps

and in EVERY single music video
even from usher whom i adore

http://aliciabanks.vox.com/library/video/6a0123ddb39306860b0123de1368bf860d.html

uptownsteve said...

"rarely ever do i see the reverse, ie a dark woman with a yellow man"

Try looking at the WHITE HOUSE!!!

Like I said, either you got it or you don't.

The rest are just excuses and rationalizations.

alicia banks said...

uts:

that RARE thing is one of the FEW things i love about hobama

his mistress vera baker wwas brown too

rarely means that is equally rare
fyi

duh?

kofi annann's and clarence thomas' wives are far emore typical in dc

uptownsteve said...

"kofi annann's and clarence thomas' wives are far emore typical in dc"

Absolute nonsense.

Most black male politicos in DC are married to black women.

Some dark, some light.

alicia banks said...

uts:

u stay in denial abut ALL issues related to black women...shame

most elite wives in dc and every other city in america are white/yellow

FEW are dark/as dark as their spouses

alicia banks said...

hollywood sets the standards of beauty in all media

even the print ads like the photo that fn has posted today

there is no bf in hollywood who is brown and considered equal to paula patton/halle berry/denzel/idris elba

NONE!!!
period

see more on the colorism in hollywood that rules all:

http://webspace.webring.com/people/rm/monicasass/oscars2.htm

uptownsteve said...

Says WHO????????

I think Keisha Knight Pulliam, Angela Bassett and N'Bushe Wright are finer than all you named.

For a while Whoopi Goldberg was getting more Hollywood work than ANY black actress.

And there were a whole lot of black women who were upset about THAT.

And it was mainly black women who were publicly angry about the ascension and exposure of Sudanese model Alek Wek.

But you don't want to deal with that.

alicia banks said...

uts:

when did you become a hollywood exec???

why are you so unable to separate YOUR life/prefs from the norm???

black women do not control hollywood..neither do i or u

i also adore ebony women
and i despise the colorist sexist black women who are often worse than men...ditto

but NONE of them control hollywood!

alek wek has a wm lover and fortunately wm run modeling empires...so again
the colorist powerless women u speak of are MOOT!!!

alicia banks said...

uts:

no one except wm has ever regarded/depicted whoopi as a sex symbol

and bm have crucified her often

again
your "pt" is moot!

alicia banks said...

and:

whoopi also dates wm exclusively

as most bm make it clear that dating them is NOT an option for her!

uptownsteve said...

My last comment on this because some of you sisters will never be honest.

It's so much easier to point fingers.

When I went to see "The Color Purple", everytime there was a closeup shot of Whoopi Goldberg (Celie), especially when she smiled...it was the black women in the audience who were yelling "UUUGHHHHH!!"

alicia banks said...

uts:

none of those moviegoers made the film!

and i saw the color purple premier in ar
where a bm was ejected for doing the same LOUDLY and incessantly

shame how your denial clouds ALL glaring bf realities for u!!!

Brenda said...

Hennaspace,

Thank you for everything that you shared on this topic. I co-sign wholeheartedly with you.

Bennett said...

"defensiveness and ignorance to the "light skin" preferences and darker skin discriminations when it comes to global, as well as black on black colorism."

It never occurred to me to make a distinction based on shade. Is that ignorance?

btw, I watched some of Kevin Jackson's lame ass puppetry on Cosmic Navel Lint, and what got to me was the disdain (veiled hatred) shown by the sparse crowd of 'baggers - even as he was went through a part of his 'speech' that had him ending each sentence with a derisive "boy"...

Fucking sad, that guy is.

alicia banks said...

uts:

seen this?

http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/splitsville_for_tiki_wife_NMndEoF77CRVuSbrhvWeKO

alicia banks said...

uts:

seen this cast of nba wives?

one brown one here...fyi

http://www.realitytea.com/tag/basketball-wives-cast/

Anonymous said...

alicia banks said...
uts:

seen this cast of nba wives?

one brown one here...fyi




So? These guys are rich. They don't buy Fords either, they drive Mercedes.

Anonymous said...

""When I went to see "The Color Purple", everytime there was a closeup shot of Whoopi Goldberg (Celie), especially when she smiled...it was the black women in the audience who were yelling "UUUGHHHHH!!"


That is the universal reaction to seeing Whoopi Goldberg up close. It is completely involuntary.

alicia banks said...

uts:

see the wilding oj assnons?

textbook colorists all...

Shady_Grady said...

Why does a picture of a very dark man and a brown skin woman immediately evince accusations of colorism?

Veification word is skinss..LOL

uptownsteve said...

"Why does a picture of a very dark man and a brown skin woman immediately evince accusations of colorism?"

Especially since the leading black male sex symbols are darkskinned.

Is that prejudice against lightskinned bruthas?

WTF???

alicia banks said...

uts:

many light skinned bm are sex symbols too

but none as much as denzel

ditto for many bfs

but none as much as halle/paula

mellaneous said...

Field I was expecting a post on the Eagles or was looking forward to a post on the anniversary of MLK and how his message has been rejected by many and perverted by others.

Hennasplace and Granny thanks for the info. And appreciate the insights from everyone. Definitely something to think about.

I agree that ultimately happiness comes from within, but I will add that real satisfaction comes from focusing on things outside oneself. I think selfish people are ultimately unhappy.

On relationships I think that whoever you can find to make you happy then go for it. And if you like some folks on the thread don't need anyone else then thats great too.

I guess I am really above some of the point of the blog because I had to read it twice to see what you were getting at. I mean folks should do what makes them happy that doesn't cause other folks harm.

But therein lies the rub. As someone pointed out earlier they don't think men were meant to be monogamous. The statement actually reflects a bit of sexism and patriarchal thinking because its also true of women.

Historically in early society both sexes were doing their thing and the resulting children were raised by the extended family also known as the Village.

It was class society not the church that began to impose marriage. The ruling class didn't want to have to take care of all these women running around that there was no work for so they encouraged marriage.

The marriage that the church talks about being instituted by God also instituted the prejudices of the people instituting it.

Yeah there is a history and a political reason for everything!

Anonymous said...

Mell: "It was class society not the church that began to impose marriage. The ruling class didn't want to have to take care of all these women running around that there was no work for so they encouraged marriage"

WTF? Marriage is a form of class oppression? Now tell me you are not a Marxist.

It seems to me that marriage has been the foundational unit of every successful culture on the planet. Furthermore, monogamy predominates in stable societies. This is an egalitarian model that I would think a socialist like you would find appealing.

mellaneous said...

Actually anon I am not a Socialist! You know I have said this so many times I feel like a broken record.

I agree with Marxist analysis but it does not make me a Marxist. Most of my ideas or the reason I fight for human rights and social justice is because of my reading of the Bible. The key word in that statement Anon was "MY."

And anon a little reading of anthropology will dispel the notion that only technologically advanced class society's have been successful in raising children and forming a prodcutive society.

History proves that to simply be untrue.

Ironically while folks brag about the nuclear family the folks that own the jobs make it extremely difficult for the family to thrive.

Child care is difficult to find and afford, education of children is based too often on ones ability to pay. Parents who want to do a good job of raising their children are not given the help they need.

And if a child strays he/she is simply thrown away in the justice system or thrown to the streets where amoral adults exploit their youth for money, pleasure and sex (read prostituton, strip clubs, pornography)

mellanaeous said...

And another thing!

The idea of a woman being single for her lifetime goes against the political grain.

In this society sexism declares that a woman should have a mate because after all she is considered the weaker sex. This goes along with my point about marriage being more of a political creation than a societal one.

Independent women, gay women are a threat to the divide and conquer tactics of the ruling class.

Why did the brother suggest that men were not meant to be monogamousm, but somehow implied that women on the other hand were meant to be monogamous.

In fact the casual hook ups until he/she found the one that they "couldn't live without" would work except there is no longer a Village.

The so-called nuclear family and the so-called enlightened class society actually discourages the group coming together to raise the children.

In the black community you see much more of a communal village set up because lots of grandmothers have stepped up.

It is mind blowing that men can impregnate women and keep stepping. But while it is easy to beat up on poor men that do this kind of thing, it is consistent with the kind of self indulgent society that we live in.

The capitalists make money without any concern about the harm their policies cause or any concern about the consequences. They don't care if you work for them and don't make enough to take care of your babies, or that the stuff they produce will ruin the environment for the next generation of children. And ironically, they will run commercials promoting the well being of families, which ironically their policies help diminish and destroy.

But this fact is seldom raised but somewhere someone is talking about those trifling Negroes. No doubt they should be brought to task but they are not the only perpetrators of "abandonment."

On Colorism in the black community:

I don't why we pretend we don't know where this came from. Its a holdover from slavery. The slave masters preferred the lighter slave because they were either produced by him and because they were closer in complexion.

Darker folks preferring lighter folks in some instances is a reflection of self hatred.

In some instances-- and I saw this a lot in my hood-- it reflected black lighter skinned womens' preference.
That was my experience everywhere I have been, and that is lighter black women preferred darker black men. In fact I have had light skinned black women tell me that they preferred darker men.

I think during the more conscious times this was true because light skinned black women were trying to say, yeah I am just as black as you are.

In fact in some locales that I have resided or visited it was the lighter skinned black women that complained more about interracial marriages of black men to white women than darker skinned black women.

I can hear the ruling class now:
'Ahh the more divisions we make the more money we make and the less chance anyone will look at me as the root of the problem. We can't stop laughing'

Has anyone noticed that in movies, TV and commercials that whenever there is a mixed couple the man is usually white and the woman is black.

MayDarling said...

Hueism is such a funny thing. I've never considered Denzel a "light" brother. He always seemed squarely in the middle for me. Likewise, I never considered myself light or dark, just sort of middling brown. It never came up as an issue when I was at school (shocking, I know!) or in the workplace, until one day I worked with some African people, a Nigerian woman and a Ghanaian woman. To the Nigerian woman I was "light" and to the Ghanaian woman I was "dark." It blew my mind to think that two people who see me every single day could have such totally different perceptions of where I fall on the color range. Likewise, no man has ever commented on whether I was light or dark - they seemed more interested in other aspects of my appearance/personality.

Genealogy/Heredity is also a funny thing. In my family we run the gamut of shades from light & bright to damn near berry black. My aunt and uncle who are pretty much butter colored managed to produce the darkest kid in the family. Likewise, my other dark brown aunt and her equally brown husband produced a copper colored daughter complete with red hair. My grandmother was also light and married my grandfather, who was coppery colored because she "wanted her children to have some color."

I think we get a little too caught up in the color game, especially when we take a look around our own families. Some of the stuff we say about light/dark people we don't know is the same stuff we'd slap a person for saying to a family member. Black people, there's way too much other important stuff out there to get worked up about (unemployment reaching 10%, under-education of our young black men & boys, the prison-industrial complex, etc, ad nauseam, ad infinitum) than if some woman or man is getting ahead because they pass the paper bag test - cause guess what? At the end of the day, some white person will *still* look at them and see a n----r that can be abused, misused and thrown away. Isn't fighting about *that* a worthier cause?

Anonymous said...

Mell; "And anon a little reading of anthropology will dispel the notion that only technologically advanced class society's have been successful in raising children and forming a prodcutive society"

Of course, we have thousands of years of human experience. However, in the modern world of advanced societies, nuclear families have been the building block.

It's great that we live in a tolerant, open, rich society that offers the options of not marrying or being gay, etc. It makes for an enlightened present. But the future is forged in the womb and formed in the family, and the best proven way to facilitate this is monogomous commitment.

And I don't blame so many men for eschewing marriage. Why put yourself through that when you can have it all for a pittance? With our laws they way they are, there is little incentive for a man to sign such a one-sided contract.

Men father children they have no intention of raising because women let them. Having a man's baby is the single greatest honor a woman can bestow upon him. To give this honor away without some promise of commitment, to her and to the child produced, is utter folly. When it comes to matters of reproduction, it is women who decide. They have such an advantage in the rules that many men opt for a different game. A fairer apportionment of parental rights might make more men interested in marriage, and give women more leverage in insisting upon it. It would be better for everyone.

alicia banks said...

mell:

preach bro!!!

nothing is scarier/morethreatening to a sexist capitalist patriarchy than 2 legally wed lesbians who are educated and employed with legally combined assets....who are childless and free and equitably share household chores etc...

like most superior black men, my 2younger brothers both struggle to be monogamous and neither have had one relo as long as my wife and i...and we all joke about that all the time...

http://aliciabanks.vox.com/library/post/ame-sex-marriage-same-stupid-hypocrisies.html

http://aliciabanks.vox.com/library/post/polygamy-is-poppycock.html

LACoincidental said...

Spent a weekend watching many a chick flick with my girlfriend. First was a double date with my neighbor to the new Tyler Perry movie (in which my neighbor and his woman, both film school students, lamented on Tyler's utter lack of technical skills as a writer and cinematographer). Second was 'Diary of a Tired Black Man' (hilarious dating movie about how straight laced Black geeks are fighting an uphill battle) and third was the TD Jakes movie 'Not Easily Broken'.


Though varying quality, the movies had a consistent them -- what happens when broken, hurt black women come in contact with 'good black men' and don't work out their issues.

"Why did I get married too" focused primarily on communication -- when we don't communicate and we don't trust each, our marriages fall apart. The most blatant (and most ridiculously melodramatic) was the breakdown between Janet jackson's and Malik Yoba's characters. They didn't break apart because one was cheating -- they let their pain and agony stop them from talking and only talked when they were outright angry and/or intoxicated.

The Diary of a Tired Black Man could be mine and Uptown Steve's mantra -- yes there are trifling Negroes in the world, but don't let your issues with your baby's daddy, father or your girlfriends drive a good dude away. Just like trifling dudes don't now how to treat a good woman when they meet one, a crazy angry sister can drive a good man away by tacking all of her past pains on him. There's a big difference between a strong Black woman and an angry Black woman -- as there's a difference between a strong brother and a thug.


And TD Jakes movie was rather straightforward -- when you don't have the third strand of the marriage cord -- i.e. faith isn't the center of your relationship, marriages fall apart. Taraji Hudson and Morris Chestnut weren't cheating on each other -- they became more concerned about middle class trapping than each other and God. Also the issue of letting your spinster angry girlfriends came into play (in the form of a bitter mother in law). Kind of churchy (overly churchy) but hey, I'm a choir boy and she's a good Catholic girl, so it works for us.


Now, that I've given my analysis, I'll sit back for the eggs being thrown by a few folks on this blog.

Shady_Grady said...

"Independent women, gay women are a threat to the divide and conquer tactics of the ruling class."

Can you expand more on this please? I don't see how those are related.

"The so-called nuclear family and the so-called enlightened class society actually discourages the group coming together to raise the children."

Eh? I don't want to raise anyone else's children but my own. I don't have the same interest in other people's kids. Anyway raising kids is the responsibility of the parents, not society.

"Darker folks preferring lighter folks in some instances is a reflection of self hatred.

In some instances-- and I saw this a lot in my hood-- it reflected black lighter skinned womens' preference."

It could be self-hatred. Or it could just be good old fashioned preference as you note. In every group women are a little lighter and a little shorter than men so perhaps it's not that surprising that there is often a female preference for "tall, dark and handsome" so to speak.

"The capitalists make money without any concern about the harm their policies cause or any concern about the consequences"

No doubt.

alicia banks said...

sg:

"Can you expand more on this please? I don't see how those are related."

seriously???

in a country ruled by increasingly sexist and racist men you cannot see how independent women are a threat?

in a country where black people are scapegoated by racists who bastardize affirmative action as a weapon, can you truly not see how how racist white women who have benefitted from aff act MOST, yet remain most complicit with sexist wm who bash it, as their very own racism/elitism trump their gender is not an issue?


god old fashioned prefernces are always rooted in the good old ancient history of white supremacy...even INTRAracially as MOST wm also prefer nordic blue eyed blondes....many wf hollywood celebs lament they were jobless etc until they became blonde via dye etc and donned blue contacs...

alicia banks said...

lac:

all wise awake people of all genders are angry

fyi

strong women channel that anger in positive ways

ie
in keeping with the tyler perry theme

many of his strong female characters are feminine and sexy and find liberation in embracing and executing their anger in triumphant ways...

like the molested mom in
madea's family reunion who found her king in a bus driver who was man enough to melt her ice...

alicia banks said...

sg:

rushing as always:

good old fashioned preferences are always rooted in the good old ancient history of white supremacy...

Anonymous said...

Shady Gravy has issues, its obvious he's one of them angry brothers who date out and get oversensitive when people bring it up.

uptownsteve said...

In the words of Tyrone the DC Street Philosopher....

"Aint nuttin like a big butt redbone"

Shady_Grady said...

"in a country where black people are scapegoated by racists who bastardize affirmative action as a weapon, can you truly not see how how racist white women who have benefitted from aff act MOST, yet remain most complicit with sexist wm who bash it, as their very own racism/elitism trump their gender is not an issue?"

I didn't write ANY of that. That is not what I'm talking about. My question is exactly how the below statement is true:

"Independent women, gay women are a threat to the divide and conquer tactics of the ruling class."

Threats to the ruling class get shot in the throat on hotel balconies or hounded out of the country or setup by agents and railroaded into long prison terms or constantly harassed by police or other such things.

I don't see that happening to women who decide not to marry or are gay or style themselves as "independent". I don't think the ruling class really cares who is marrying or sleeping with whom.

Again my initial question, which is still unanswered is why did some people see a picture of a black man with a black woman and immediately start ranting about colorism. To me that shows some incredible solipsism.

@Anon 2:55 Your mind reading abilities are a little...overrated. =) LOL

Shady_Grady said...

UTS wrote
In the words of Tyrone the DC Street Philosopher....

"Aint nuttin like a big butt redbone"


This too is true... =0

cactusrose said...

agape2010 said...
@ FN:
I lead a rich full life...I have joy and guard my peace carefully...I have a wonderful family that sometimes gets on my nerves :)...
Still...
I would not mind having a special man to hold onto to at night...and wake up to in the morning...:p

I found out in my 20's that happiness is fleeting...it's up to you to make yourself happy...individual responsibility :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I completely agree.

Except for the part about the man to hold on to at night, and wake up to in the morning.
While this sounds wonderful, unfortunarely,I after so many years of having the bed all to myself, I can't share it! anything else I'll share, but when I sleep, I sleep alone.
And I always told them up front: "I run my bedroom like I run my office. So if you don't do your job well, you will be replaced by a machine! LOLOLOLOLOL! (joke)

alicia banks said...

sg:

what?

one has to be assassinated to be an enemy of the state?

this is insane!

surely u jest!

ALL independent women are a threat to sexist men...gay or het...

glass ceilings were not invented by gaybashers...

EVERY panther was not jailed or assassinated

martha sewart WAS jailed for doing what men do in strip clubs daily etc!!!


and i did answer your question
scan up!

glaring colorism is everywhere
those who see its pervasice weighted truths can never miss it

alicia banks said...

most men fear free women for the very same reason that racists whites fear free blacks...COMPETITITON AND CONTROL!

all of the -isms are related
sexism and racism included

see more sanity about such sexist insanity here:

http://zinelibrary.info/s-c-u-m-society-cutting-men-manifesto-valerie-solanas-0

Anonymous said...

cactushose: "I after so many years of having the bed all to myself, I can't share it! "

And the men of the world yawn. You'd better stock up on batteries.

mellaneous said...

Shady said:

"Eh? I don't want to raise anyone else's children but my own. I don't have the same interest in other people's kids. Anyway raising kids is the responsibility of the parents, not society"

I missed this Shady cause I didn't see my name attached but caught it now.

Your statement makes my point that we live in a society where every man for himself is preached. So I hear what you are saying.

However I think it makes sense for society to help where it can, in making sure that children make it to adulthood in a healthy manner.

I made the point earlier that supposed "primitive" societies did a pretty good job of child rearing and they held the "it takes a village" attitude.

Because it is such a long discussion I will say I see the value in valuing other folks children enough to help them esp. when the parents can't get it done and even when they won't get it done.

And let me say this my fellow human being;

If some old woman had not paid attention to the fact that my little black behind was not being cared for by my irresponsible sisters, who were left to care for me by my irresponsible birth mother, there is a good chance that I may not be having this conversation with you.

Yes I am here on earth because a concerned neighbor (no relations) took me into their home.

Shady the other reason that I think that its better for the community to help and support the raising of children is because I am a Christian and I do believe that we on some level are one another's keeper.

alicia banks said...

sg/uts:

it never fails to amuse me that sexist and gaybashers try to dispel truths by being even more sexist/gaybashing harder...

shame!!!

mellaneous said...

I said:
"Independent women, gay women are a threat to the divide and conquer tactics of the ruling class."

And Grady responded:

Threats to the ruling class get shot in the throat on hotel balconies or hounded out of the country or setup by agents and railroaded into long prison terms or constantly harassed by police or other such things.

I don't see that happening to women who decide not to marry or are gay or style themselves as "independent". I don't think the ruling class really cares who is marrying or sleeping with whom.

Grady I think Alicia responded well to your question.

But let me say that anybody who thinks and operates outside of the accepted box is in a very real way a threat to the ruling class.

The ruling class rules society with and by its ideas which are deiminated in its educational institutions, media, news, entertainment, movies,books all work to put out ideas that somehow say that this is the best system in the history of the world and the "accepted" way of doing things is the only way.

Ideas and propositions that challenge this thinking are a threat because they understand that ideas have meaning and ideas that catch on, have and often do change the world.

Yes MLK threaten the system in a consistently vocal way but he challenged the system with the idea that wealth should be distributed and that society should take care of all its people whether they are poor or black or white, Mexican, female etc. And he suggested that this society needs restructuring, a bad idea to the capitlists who have structured it to make profit.

Hope this answers your question.Got to run but will expound more later.

alicia banks said...

uts/sg:

ditto 4 the amazing escalating and glaring colorism of you colorists....ie

"redbone" is a moronic term i despise...a senselessly repulsive term that colorists adore

so enjoy that cast of redbones though on that pending bravo show...


and

i also despise the term
"fair skinned" as fair is not even a color...and NOT being pale is not "unfair"!!

shame!!

alicia banks said...

ditto mell!

and mlk was publicly executed..but not his entire orgs of the sclc/sncc etc

ditto for the NOI and ALL conscious rappers rather than just malcolm/tupac etc...

shady must be joking!
it is petrifying to think such rabid ignorance could ever be sincere

in fact,
the greatest enemies of the state like david icke/alex jones/jeff rense/ MUST often be left living as proof of their dismissal/denials/"dementia" etc

alicia banks said...

more proof of ongoing institutional sexism that rules all arenas:

http://www.newsweek.com/id/235220

uptownsteve said...

"The Diary of a Tired Black Man could be mine and Uptown Steve's mantra -- yes there are trifling Negroes in the world, but don't let your issues with your baby's daddy, father or your girlfriends drive a good dude away. Just like trifling dudes don't now how to treat a good woman when they meet one, a crazy angry sister can drive a good man away by tacking all of her past pains on him. There's a big difference between a strong Black woman and an angry Black woman -- as there's a difference between a strong brother and a thug."

Amen my brother.

And for the record I think that La*Audiobooks is a beautiful sister once you get past the hurt and she's obviously been hurt bad.

But you can't stereotype and broadbrush.

You have to move on.

This is a big world with lots of people in it.

AB

""redbone" is a moronic term i despise...a senselessly repulsive term that colorists adore."

I was just funnin, relax.

alicia banks said...

uts:

colorism is just never "fun" to me...my bad?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17fEy0q6yqc

Rottnkid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rottnkid said...

Yep, posting it again..

I'm black, whether I'm poor or rich
Or rich or poor though it's all the same shit
I'm black even though my skin's kind of light
That mean my ancestors was raped by somebody white
I'm black so I like to sing, dance and crack jokes
Eat good food and be around black folks
I'm black so I like the oldies on Sundays
Drink all night and still go to work Monday

I'm black so I like my kids lookin' real nice
'Cause I been poor and I know what it feels like
I'm black and I'ma say it loud like James Brown
People be proud 'cause we all up in the game now
I'm black and I'ma hold my right fist real high
Might see my man and we might get real high
I'm black and I know it and I ain't afraid to show it
I'm black and I'ma genius and a motherfuckin' poet, you know it

Rottnkid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rottnkid said...

After I read the words, it's like dayam! I see his point and it bothers me a little, but at the same time I see - and live - some of his points that bothers me a little. Regardless, I love my peoples.

maria said...

so, mell, jewish people, arab people, don't raise their children together via a village? it's not a christian concept, it's a humanistic concept.

why didn't anyone call out MMM on her homophobic intolerant adam and eve w/partner BS? i will -- fuck that crap.

i'm with you field--whatever floats your boat.

and the thing is, the boat changes. sometimes it's marriage or kids...or neither, or both...sometimes the relationships we have, i firmly believe, are a question of TIMING more than anything else.

i've been hurt very, very badly. i won't let that happen again. i don't NEED anyone. i won't let anyone get that close to me ever again--i know that. i'm older and smarter and have far fewer needs in the relationship category. an itinerant fuck buddy would do nicely.

i've read la audio has a loving BF and a child they are raising together? she deserves all happiness, as do we all. i hope THAT floats her boat!

DuchessDee said...

my aha moment came when i read the Joy Luck Club. I had to understand MY WORTH to myself to know where i am going in this life and with who!

Rottnkid said...

maria said...

i'm older and smarter and have far fewer needs in the relationship category. an itinerant fuck buddy would do nicely.

---------------------------------


I've been like that for about oh..20 yrs and I'm 39. So far so good. I like being "unattached". Not so much because I was hurt in the past but because I'll probably get bored with that person. Sad but true. Being a true Libra probably has something to do with it, who knows.

Rottnkid said...

My new profile pic is awesome! LOL. I'm ready!

Shady_Grady said...

@Mellaneous
If someone sees a picture of a black man and a black woman and absent ANY OTHER CONTEXT IMMEDIATELY starts ranting about "colorism", I think that person is at best obsessed and probably more than a little nutty.

In any society that one cares to mention there have always been gays and women that did not marry-at every level and in every class. Their mere existence does not ever constitute any sort of threat to the ruling class, least of all this society's. Some of them are part of the ruling class, after all.

Shady_Grady said...

@Mellaneous wrote
The so-called nuclear family and the so-called enlightened class society actually discourages the group coming together to raise the children.


See, I don't want the group raising my kids. That's not the group's job. It's my job.

If I CAN'T do it then that's a different story but until then the best thing society can do for me vis-a-vis my kids is stay out of my affairs and keep their hands out of my wallet.

I believe in a strong safety net and all that but the nuclear family is the best way to raise children-with maybe some backup help from relatives where appropriate.

maria said...

the group is NEVER the substitute for the parent.

i am a damn good signle mom but i'm a single mom--i need help. i know that. esp. for my son. and i get it. my extended family doesn't live anywhere near us.

MeandMyMicroscope said...

cactusrose said...
And I always told them up front: "I run my bedroom like I run my office. So if you don't do your job well, you will be replaced by a machine! LOLOLOLOLOL! (joke)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

ROTFLMBAO!!!!!!!!!!

Shady_Grady said...

AB, nothing that I wrote can in any way be construed as gaybashing or sexist. All you do in every thread is constantly hurl epithets at straw men that you construct. It is evidently impossible for you to engage or God forbid, disagree, without doing that. That's a shame.

MeandMyMicroscope said...

maria said...
i'm older and smarter and have far fewer needs in the relationship category. an itinerant fuck buddy would do nicely.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A f*ckin' bitter whore.....just like I thought.

M. Rigmaiden said...

Whoa! The first thing I thought when I saw the picture for the post was
"What a handsome couple. Her makeup is nice and his hair is faded cool.I wish the picture wasn't so dark."

It is amazing to me how the topic of skin color got so quickly injected into the conversation. Wow.

It's 2010. And we're still having these types of conversations. I can't believe it.

Rottnkid said...

M. Rigmaiden said...

It is amazing to me how the topic of skin color got so quickly injected into the conversation. Wow.
--------------------------

2.4 seconds.

field negro said...

"Hueism"? that's a new one.

Damn LaCoincidental, you have this movie review thing down pat. Loved it!

BTW, I don't want to give away the movie; but was it me or did it seem like Janet had the Elin golf swing down, pat? :)

Black Diaspora said...

Hathor said...
"I never quite got how one could be happy without the actualization of some dream or desire being fulfilled or interaction with others."

Hator, let me attempt a response. Happiness is not about what you're doing, it's about what you're being.

Otherwise, you set yourself up to fail at the outset, if doing, or having, or interacting dictate your state of mind, or state of being.

It's what you're being why you're doing what you're doing that should be your goal.

But even then, people confuse the two. Oftentimes, you hear the saying, "I was happiest while pursuing my goal. Now that I've achieved my goal, my happiness has dropped considerably."

It dropped because they believed that the doing brought the joy, and not the other way around--that their joy (which they brought forth at their behest) attended the doing.

Your state of mind belongs exclusively to you, and is always yours to do with as you choose.

Were it otherwise, our dreams, desires, and external fulfillments would be at the mercy of life's many vagaries, which, oftentimes, would place our dreams and desires outside of the control of most of us.

It doesn't have to be that way, but that discussion is outside the scope of this one.

Let me illustrate:

If it's your desire and dream to be an astronaut, and that dream and desire is thwarted because of a heart so severely damaged that it disqualifies you--forever ending your hope of attaining what you may have worked your whole life toward--you may choose to be unhappy, or you may choose to remain untouched by the loss of the dream.

You see: The choice is not outside of you. Your state of mind is still yours to control, is still yours to command.

It's the same with interactions, and with relationships. If we put our happiness in the hands of others, then we're forever at their mercy. If they withhold that which we say makes us happy, or don't deliver it in sufficient quantities, then the outcome is predetermined.

We experience unhappiness.

We become emotionally dependent, when what we should be aiming for is independence, where we call the shots as to our state of mind, and not others; where we decide how we will feel about a thing, and not others.

Don't take this to mean that all dreams, desires, and interactions should be abandoned.

They shouldn't be.

What should be abandoned is the power we give them to shape our state of mind, to tell us whether we shall experience joy or sadness, a sense of fulfillment or loss.

Ruyard Kipling in a poem entitled "IF" states it best:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;


We're always at choice.

maria said...

MeandMyMicroscope said...
maria said...
i'm older and smarter and have far fewer needs in the relationship category. an itinerant fuck buddy would do nicely.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A f*ckin' bitter whore.....just like I thought.

7:14 PM

wrong again. how nice you bring everything down to what YOU ARE, and selectively quote, ms. on the job beating them off with a stick, racist homophobe. fuck you.

field negro said...

This thing with maria and MMM is getting ugly. I am going to arrange a sit down and dinner in D.C. with these two.

BD, you have a wonderful spirit. Never lose that.

MeandMyMicroscope said...

I'm with you MR. I didn't once think about color until it was brought up.

MeandMyMicroscope said...

maria said...
fuck you.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sure, as soon as I'm done eating my SPAGHETTI DINNER, you "white" nigga' bitch!

Jane D said...

I appriciciate the post, FN. I am a white woman pushing 40. People sometime assume I am gay cause I don't date very much. I've always been a loner and I like men ( a lot) but when you are used to being alone and are comfortable with it it's not something easy to let go of.
Anyway, people will ask me if I'm "picky" and it sounds arrogant- as though all the hooked up people have lower standards or something. I just think some people are more comfortable being alone than other people.

Ms. Ann G. Myma said...

Jane D said...
I just think some people are more comfortable being alone than other people.
------

You're right Jane. And you know what, it's okay. Contrary to cultural beliefs, a woman can live perfectly happy without the validation of marriage. As Susan B. Anthony said, "Why would I give up my freedom to be someone's housekeeper?"

agape2010 said...

@ cactus:

I definitely get what you mean about some things you find hard sharing...:)

And...I am in COMPLETE AGREEMENT with the ultimate goal of having sex...there is a point and should have a rewarding outcome.. :)

However...

I don't ever want to be in a position to believe that anything battery operated (or otherwise) will/can/resemble replacement of having a man.

I don't think it to be a cakewalk...but I am willing to take the bitter with the sweet :)

Peace.
~agape2010~

maria said...

tell her to back off...and no way on dinner, sorry. she's beneath us both. i post about my personal life and she calls me a whore? and then repeats her ethnic slurs?

agape2010 said...

@ BD:

I could not agree with you more...I often ask people this one question and it gives me insight into what type of personality they have...and the question is this:

"What is life about for you? The journey? The interruptions? Or the destination?

The journey will be there as long as you breathe. Some people die on their journey at an early age and they are not buried until old age.

The interruptions are the curves that life throws at us...good or bad. It's a CHOICE as to who we handle the interruptions...and they bring integrity and character to us.

The destination is not always death...it can be an achieved goal, something of high value such as seeing your child(ren) grown up and having their own children...or meeting a small goal such as getting a week's worth of work off your desk before vacation.

I really appreciate what you said...happiness is a choice that should not be left to the whim of people or happenstances :)

Peace.
~agape2010~

Anonymous said...

Cactusrose, "Hahaha! Only I also paint, so it would be a geneology/jewelry/art shop LOL!
(that sounds good anonymous!)"

I am glad you saw the humor in my comment. It was meant to be funny.

Guess Granny didn't think it was funny. LOL ..Lighten up Granny, you don't want to be carrying that heavy anger when it's time to cross over to the other side.

cactusrose said...

agape2010 said...
@ cactus:
I don't ever want to be in a position to believe that anything battery operated (or otherwise) will/can/resemble replacement of having a man.

I don't think it to be a cakewalk...but I am willing to take the bitter with

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That was just a joke Agape.

Actually,call me old fashioned but in reality,I have never had anything to do with anything battery operated.LOL!

But as for taking the bitter with the sweet, uhuh,no way, not at this point in my life. I'll take the sweet, the bitter they can take a walk with.
Maybe that's why I'm alone, and will happily stay that way!

Hathor said...

Black Diaspora,
Not everyone's mind works the same. That is why I am an agnostic. I've lived quite a while and know who I am.

The dream is not always specific. I had once wanted to get a PhD in Theoretical Physics and hoped to work at Princeton. That dream got squashed my first year in college. Eventually I worked as a Tech, but I got the same frustration and joy from solving problems in that job as I would have investigating particle theory.

agape2010 said...

@ Cactus:

You have such a nice spirit! My hope is that I will meet a man that says the same about me...I think I may have a little more "bitter" than he may have :)

I knew you were joking...I just had to put that out there in the universe (just in case :)

cactusrose said...

Thanks for the kind words agape!
I wish you all the luck in your search. Hope you find what you're looking for and that he finds you!

Anonymous said...

maria, "i've been hurt very, very badly. i won't let that happen again. i don't NEED anyone. i won't let anyone get that close to me ever again--i know that. i'm older and smarter and have far fewer needs in the relationship category. an itinerant fuck buddy would do nicely."

Thanks for sharing. My guess is that a good number of us humans have been hurt badly and have given up on love.

So, most are foregoing the love and 'working' at being happy. It doesn't work that way for me. I exist for love in everything I do. Without it, I can't be happy.

GrannyStandingforTruth said...

Anonymous 10:44:

"I am glad you saw the humor in my comment. It was meant to be funny."

Forgive granny, I thought you was that mean-spirited Anonymous. That's why I wish you anonymous folks would put a handle at the end of your comments or get a handle.

BTW, Granny has a good sense of humor, I'm not angry person, and I like to have fun too. I just don't have patience for mean-spirited folks. Sorry about the mistaken identity thingee.

Anonymous said...

Granny, "Forgive granny, I thought you was that mean-spirited Anonymous."

I forgive you Granny. Sometimes it's difficult to tell us anons apart. :)

CF has solved that problem: he has segregated us into "smart" anons and "dumb" anons. No sir, there is nothing CF can't solve... LOL.

I hope you have a good week. May you, Laa, and Cactusrose never experience another earthquake. If you do, may it be a harmless one.

Black Diaspora said...

Hathor said...
"Black Diaspora,
Not everyone's mind works the same. That is why I am an agnostic. I've lived quite a while and know who I am."


I'm glad you responded. You're right: For all our similarities, no two of us write alike, walk alike, think alike, or do anything alike.

We're intricate snowflakes. But from a distance, you can't tell one snowflake from the other--they blend, creating an incredible panoramic view of sensory delight.

You say that you're an "agnostic." I never had that choice. Or to put it more accurately, I chose, ahead of time, not to experience, this time around, not knowing.

We all know who we are, some more so than others, but the degree doesn't really matter, because we choose, intentionally, how much we remember, or will remember.

And that's okay. Not knowing has its value, and its rewards.

"Eventually I worked as a Tech, but I got the same frustration and joy from solving problems in that job as I would have investigating particle theory."

So you see: You did realize your dream. Without the job title of choice, and yielding to your true drive, to "solve problems," you found a niche.

I feel that you would have found ample fulfillment in any number of jobs that required the use of your problem-solving skills.

I always enjoy your comments.

Black Diaspora said...

@anon 11:19 p.m. "So, most are foregoing the love and 'working' at being happy. It doesn't work that way for me. I exist for love in everything I do. Without it, I can't be happy."

When asked if they're satisfied in their jobs, many respondents said no.

The number who said "yes" has declined over the years, from a high of 61% in 1987 to its lowest point of 45.3% in 2009.

And I think that a great deal of that lack of satisfaction stems from factors other than the shaky, uncertain economy that threatens more and more layoffs.

I think it's because people don't do as you do, "[They don't] exist for love in everything [they] do."

There's a wonderful book written by Og Mandino with the unlikely title of, "The Greatest Salesman in the World."

I say unlikely, because the book offers sage advice, not only for those who make a living selling stuff, but for those who wish to have a life, rather than just a living.

The book is designed around the wisdom that is found on several scrolls, each scroll providing a specific piece of advice, and an affirmation for success,

The one that stands out for me, and of which I was reminded when I read your comment, is this one:

"I will greet this day with love in my heart.

"For this is the greatest secret of success in all ventures. Muscle can split a shield and even destroy life but only the unseen power of love can open the hearts of men and until I master this art I will remain no more than a peddler in the market place. I will make love my greatest weapon and none on whom I call can defend against the force."


Love can transform the most pedestrian, the most prosaic, the most mundane of jobs into the Most Important Job in the World.

Black Diaspora said...

@agape2010: "I really appreciate what you said...happiness is a choice that should not be left to the whim of people or happenstances :)"

Peace.
~agape2010~

Thanks, agape2010. You stated it perfectly!

maria said...

Thanks for sharing. My guess is that a good number of us humans have been hurt badly and have given up on love.

So, most are foregoing the love and 'working' at being happy. It doesn't work that way for me. I exist for love in everything I do. Without it, I can't be happy.

11:19 PM

thank you. i am not giving up on love, i am just not pursuing romantic love. i am very happy and have a lot of love in my life--just not that kind. it is not a priority. as i said i think people's needs change over time and what's right for them now might not be later. right now, this is.

MeandMyMicroscope said...

Happy is, as happy does. Personally, I think happiness for any significant amount of time is an illusion. Me, I'll take peace and contentment over happiness ANY day because happiness changes, peace and contentment rarely do.

What I've seen more often than not with people who are "unhappy" or "unlucky", especially when it comes to love, is the need to do some serious soul searching. More often than not, those in hot pursuit of love lack that within themselves, or exude the kind of ugliness, , than could NEVER attract anything that even resembles love.

MeandMyMicroscope said...

maria said...
tell her to back off...and no way on dinner, sorry. she's beneath us both. i post about my personal life and she calls me a whore? and then repeats her ethnic slurs?
>>>>>>>>

You've spent a good portion of your comments attacking me often AND unprovoked, and you wonder why I dig in your ass the way I do? You should have picked a softer target for your immature bullying.

I know your type because I've had the misfortune of working with a few folks just like YOU. You secretly hate and resent blacks, especially those whose lives are more successful than you. Yet you pretend to be down. Well I say GTFOH, because I see EXACTLY what and who you are.

maria said...

you've never met me and you never will.

you don't know me and you never will.

i don't "resent" anyone--secretly or otherwise--black or white. i am successful in all aspects of my life.

you hate that i have called out your ignorance, racism and homophobia. you hate that i have shown you to be wrong about medical facts. the only way you can respond is with baseless personal attacks.

you are so obviously pathetic!

maria said...

as well as vulgar and uneducated--regardless of how many degrees you claim to have.

i will not respond further to you.

alicia banks said...

sg:

do you read your own posts???

you blatantly ignored ongoing sexism/outlawing gay marriage/and rabid colorism...even as you lustfully praise "redbones" with yuor sexist colorist clone uts???

and you call that debate?

spare me your glaring amensia and gross apathy...neither have any role in real debate

_____

mr:

that would have been my reaction too..ONLY if the couple were both the same skin tone... dark or light...fyi

M. Rigmaiden said...

"mr:

that would have been my reaction too..ONLY if the couple were both the same skin tone... dark or light...fyi"
AB

Why? You are waaaaaay too caught up in skin colors if you feel that way. Half the time I am minding my own business and interact with another Black person who has something to say about skin tone. What the fuck is this obsession?!! For God's sakes! You have even made fun of my skin tone for disagreeing with your political positions. This makes no sense.

We are diverse. Why do we have to make a big deal over complexion differences?

So what do you want Alicia- pictures where only dark people are with similar dark people and vise versa as the anonymous person said above? That is ridiculous! This is really still unbelievable to me.

When I hang around my Black family, we rarely talk about complexions unless we are describing somebody's physical appearance. Other than that it doesn't come up.

I recently did a post on Redbone girls featured in a Cab Calloway video. The video was truly a response to the anger I was feeling over the abuse you hurled at me here.

In all honesty this is not something that I think about in general unless someone mentions it to me. Then I am lost.

M. Rigmaiden said...

And MMM I've observed that you bring chaos here with your insults and nastiness. You claim to agree with me about the nonsensical skin color talk then you insult Maria precisely because of her ethnic background and perceived complexion.

That is WRONG. Stop doing it. You don't do anything but cause the quality of discourse to go down with your petty insults.

I said this before and I'll say it again: Can't we all just get along?

uptownsteve said...

MR

AB is a darkskinned sister with a complex.

She claims that it is others who are color-fixated but it's actually she who wishes she was lighter although she'll never admit it.

I've seen this a million times before.

M. Rigmaiden said...

OIC Steve, thanks for the response. I'm just saddened that so many of these threads degenerate to such bs talking points. It's like listening to CF spout the same old tired bullshit over and over and over and over again.

It is 2010. Again I just cannot believe we're even talking about this stuff!

alicia banks said...

mr & uts:

i do not expect a yellow female or a rabid bm colorist to feel my pain

just as most whites feel blacks are too racial

no biggie
we agree to disagree

i see the realities of colorism because i am a black woman who adores myself...and that takes a defiant third eyed SUPERIOR vision always

again

i did NOT get upset with fn or insult him as others did

but i did notice it and i always do and i always will

it does not bother me that you do not notice such rabid one sided colorism in every film etc

why does my superb vision bother you so????

alicia banks said...

uts & mr:

every day
racists/kkk post here and blame fn for seeing racism they will never see

ditto for yellow females and the men who exlusively worship them like uts & sg

alicia banks said...

mr:

with a half black prez who has whiter policies than gwb in an america that is poorer and more racist than ever...

no issue of race shall be a relic anytime soon...skin color included

fyi

alicia banks said...

uts:

complex?

i am way too beautiful and confident for such bs

the complex would be YOUR colorism

see, i adore chocolate clones of myself...unlike YOU!

alicia banks said...

uts:

what is both transparent and revealing is that colorist bm like you do EVERYTHING they can to reject and degrade and FOSTER complexes... within weak dark sisters and THEN lament their lack of self esteem...

just as biggie and tupac did to lil kim who has become a bleached mutilated clone of mj because of it


shame!!!!

alicia banks said...

mr:

"So what do you want Alicia- pictures where only dark people are with similar dark people and vise versa as the anonymous person said above? That is ridiculous! This is really still unbelievable to me."

what???

i do not want anything

couples come in all hues

but i DO see that most pairings in ALL media ECXLUSIVELY feature a dark man and a yellow woman and i stand by that...

just as i see and lament similarly sinister images in all gay media where you NEVER see 2 blacks in love...the gay couples are exclusively interracial:

"Those of you who watch gay films or read gay magazines have CERTAINLY noticed glaring omissions. Major gay media almost NEVER feature Black couples. Why?!

Research it. Pay close attention as your peruse major gay media. You will almost NEVER see two Blacks loving each other.

Read any glossy gay magazine, like The Advocate or Curve. Notice how few Black couples you see within its pages? Those few black faces which are there are almost always grinning longingly into the faces of their white lovers/friends.

Visit any video store. See “The Incredibly True Adventures Of Two Girls In Love, The Watermelon Woman, When Night is Falling” etc... All of these films are renown love stories about Black lesbians chasing white women."

http://webspace.webring.com/people/rm/monicasass/GAY-RACISM.htm

alicia banks said...

mr:

how can even you watch any eddie murphy film and miss that all of the villains and whores and jokes are dark and all of the love interests and nice girls are yellow???

i call out ALL truths
irrespective of whom the may offend

always have
always will

M. Rigmaiden said...

AB your talk of yellow females is offensive. I don't like that characterization to describe people that have a lighter skin tone. It's just about as lame as your 'piss colored' insults. You really do have a problem with skin color. You talk about calling out truths but instead you are putting your own spin on things. Granted I have noticed that stable images of Black love are scarce in the media, which is why I thought the picture in this post was so beautiful.

If you think USA media is bad, I've seen some British tv shows where they always show a Black man chasing a bottle blonde white woman without any balance.

To be honest, rather than bitching about our portrayals in media, we ought to create our own media empires like HARPO or Forty Acres and a Mule productions.

You are obesessed with this issue and I don't understand why. You talk about people feeling your pain. You have no idea what our collective experiences have been in life.

I moved from East Oakland to Modesto many years ago and at that time, people used the word NIGGER around me all the time. When I'd call them on it; the response was usually "I don't know why you're offended you are only half." Both my parents are Black BTW.

I've heard so much nigger talk in my life that I don't know what to do when I see or hear that word.

I'm sorry you are in pain over this issue but the sooner you let it go and cogitate on more important things, it will be a non issue in time.

Ms. Ann G. Myma said...

alicia banks said...
how can even you watch any eddie murphy film and miss that all of the villains and whores and jokes are dark and all of the love interests and nice girls are yellow???
------

Alicia is right on this! This pattern is very much alive in most black movies.

M. Rigmaiden said...

OK Ms Jemima, name one movie that fits that criteria.

Coming to America was a Masterpiece and does not fit that criteria at all.

alicia banks said...

mr:

COMING TO AMERICA like ALL of eddie's movies are textbook examples of rabid colorism!!!


___

ms agm:

thank you!

i did not create the accurate term yellow nor the undeniable and increasingly rabid colorism that mr is curiously blaming me for simply because i am able to see it
___

mr:

i love cali

but it is the home of the most euro colorist blacks i have ever seen...especially those who rule all media

we will never agree on this
primarily because you see all with yellow eyes just as i do with blacker ones

see more on that here:

http://aliciabanks.vox.com/library/post/clarity-on-colorism---on-dont-play-in-the-sun.html

alicia banks said...

mr:

my life is filled with many missions...yet none afford me the luxury of ignoring/escaping/evading the increasingly rabid colorism that rules all around me

ie
even michelle obama is more ruthlessly attacked by racists colorists in media than even hobama

ie

usually when a yellow person pens something like this:

"I moved from East Oakland to Modesto many years ago and at that time, people used the word NIGGER around me all the time. When I'd call them on it; the response was usually "I don't know why you're offended you are only half." Both my parents are Black BTW."

it is accurately decoded as:
"i proudly look biracial...but i am not"...

see more on that from paula patton who is biracial...yet i adore her because she is FAR more honest and afrocentric than most yellow black girls i know:

http://aliciabanks.vox.com/library/link/6a0123ddb39306860b01240ba9cc89860e.html

alicia banks said...

mr:

"it will be a non issue in time."

i vehemently disagree

white supremacy is far too ancient and entrenched and colorism is INCREASING daily and globally

ie
global tv is exporting american racial ills

skin bleach is even MORE popular in africa than america now...
primarily due to music videos by bm like uts and sg...& global mj and lil kim fans etc...


http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/16/health/16skin.html

http://aliciabanks.vox.com/library/video/6a0123ddb39306860b0123de1368bf860d.html

alicia banks said...

ms agm:


coming to america is one of eddies worst films...up there with norbitt!!!

ie
coming to america had a dark african queen bimbo barking like a dog (vanessa bell callloway..a sexy 10 i adore..way sexier than the yellow star of this film)...

it also had a dark baby sister of the yellow lead who was a complete slut

and a yellow leading wholesome good girl who the dark king eddie adored enough to trade an entire kingdom of darkies for...

eddie m is the most rabidly colorist dl bro in hollywood
curiously his long term male lover johnny gill is dark but ALL of his "women/beards" are exclusively yellow

alicia banks said...

ms agm:

eddie is such a rabidly colorist yellow beard chaser than every tranny he paid to woo was yellow

and the gorgeous sexy yellow 10 michael michelle sued eddie for sexual harassment in real life as he tried to blacklist her for refusing to be a beard in his stable!

http://books.google.com/books?id=vZgDAAAAMBAJ&pg=PA60&lpg=PA60&dq=michael+michele+sued+eddi&source=bl&ots=82xUJSQPUp&sig=ic1qsY1Oc2IwqqBDo-pUzR1ow0s&hl=en&ei=_IS7S-DUMITE8wS2jrDhBw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=2&ved=0CAkQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=&f=false

3:03 PM

M. Rigmaiden said...

Alicia you are calling me yellow again and I told you I don't appreciate that reference. You don't want people constantly referring to your skin color do you? That is lame.

So what if some thing I look birracial. So the hell what. It doesn't stop people from being funky with me over my ethnic background. I've got it really bad because Black people give me shit and so do white people, although more Blacks have given me shit about my complexion over the years. Just. Like. You.

You are a champion of colorism because without it, you'd be out of something to complain about.

And Cali being the seat to Euro colorist Blacks? Get out of here! We had the first Black/ethnic studies departments at SFSU and UC Berkeley in the country; on the Planet. I've taken many courses at SFSU's Africana Studies Dept over the years.

You dont know what you're talking about. But I've come to realize that once you have it in for someone, you will even attack where they live. You should be ashamed.

alicia banks said...

mr:

anyone who has ever lived in the bay are will tell you how uniquely eurocentric it is...

you are in deeeep denial

frisco is actually gentrifying and relocating blacks out of the city and swiftly becoming the whitest city in america

i lived in oakland and often experience racial shocks like attending "african dance troops" and finding all blue eyed blondes in african garb...and seeing oj bros who had the same perm and pony tails as their wf lovers...

spare me your bs

unlike u, i keep it real

http://www.sfbayview.com/2010/why-are-no-blacks-working/

http://www.nytimes.com/2001/08/02/us/blacks-hit-by-housing-costs-leave-san-francisco-behind.html?pagewanted=1

alicia banks said...

mr:

i love my skin tone

call me anything you wish except a liar and phony

alicia banks said...

mr:

i have it in for all racists and liars

evade both as u desire...

I.Am.Spoken.Word. said...

My life's goal isn't to get married, but I would love to fall in love with my best friend, marry him, and raise a family together. I've accomplished 1 of the 3 so far...

Sadly, it's become taboo to want "traditional" marriage in my generation. (I'm 24, BTW.)I'm not pushing my ideals on anyone else, but people give my BF and I the side-eye for not sleeping together regularly, wanting to live together before marriage, and doesn't favor "open marriages".

I am a progressive young woman, who knows what she wants in relationships, but it isn't just the "sexually open" women who catch heat.

classysbf said...

I'm a little late to the party,but gotta say my piece. I love men, and have had several long term relationships.I don't diss men as a group,and I'm not cynical about love.. But marriage was never a goal,and although I enjoyed being a Big Sister,I was never interested in having children.
Sorry,Cactus Rose;motherhood ain't for everybody!
I HAVE been told what a positive,energetic aura I have.
Probably why people take me for being 10-15 years younger than my actual age.:-)
It took a long time to get to this place--and dealing with other folks' projections of "what's wrong with YOU?" on me.
But following the beat of MY own drummer is what makes me happy,healthy,sane and fun to be around.If that's selfish,so be it.

La♥audiobooks said...

AB said... "i do not expect a yellow female or a rabid bm colorist to feel my pain

just as most whites feel blacks are too racial
"

AND

"it is accurately decoded as:
"i proudly look biracial...but i am not"...
"

And

"what is both transparent and revealing is that colorist bm like you do EVERYTHING they can to reject and degrade and FOSTER complexes... within weak dark sisters and THEN lament their lack of self esteem..."



AB, I respect all perspectives, but you have been hitting some hard points, too much to scan up for copying and pasting. You have been preaching the cold truth, and many others (even silent) know it too. And notice it's always the people who benefit from the colorism equation that fight to keep it from being exposed the most, especially among other black people. They want people to believe it is not there, a figment of someone else's imagination or insecurity.

It's usually colorist black men who want to continue their dark skin discrimination without having to be called out with legitimate claims on their sick hateful pathological scornfulness towards dark skinned black females and hypocrisies towards black women in general. (Shady what's his name is a willfully perpetuating suspect, you can tell. Steve well knows the truth, he's not stupid, but he takes pleasure in being spiteful). And then there's SOME of the light skinned or some bi-racial black women who want them and others to continue, so they can feel secured being uniquely coddled and having first choice in "desirability" and preference amongst these men and other colorist inclined. That's just to name a few reasons.

AB, this is a deeply rooted pathology that some people have a vested interest in keeping from being exposed, they will never "see" nor admit. Why should they when they've been eating all their lives from the kosher parts of the big neon elephant.

Steve, since I'm not dark skinned, I guess it's gonna be hard for you to theorize the dark skinned complex. Oh, and above, thanks for that sisterly hug and that sneak-up slap that proceeded it :)

Black Diaspora said...

I.Am.Spoken.Word. said...

"I am a progressive young woman, who knows what she wants in relationships...."

Thanks for sharing. Continue to stay true to your ideals, embrace your truth, and everything else will fall in place.

@classysbf
"But following the beat of MY own drummer is what makes me happy,healthy,sane and fun to be around.If that's selfish,so be it."

Classysbf, it's the best kind of selfish.

La♥audiobooks said...

And Steve, you know why I think you're being willfully sexist and spiteful, because a good while back I remember when you negated a light skin black male for claiming he's a victim of ostracism/colorism from the black community (I did the same to him as well). Now the discussion is being geared towards black females in a similar scope, and now you flip the script all of a sudden.

As AB would say... Shame!!!

La♥audiobooks said...

M. Rigmaiden, I honestly respect your perspective as well, but if I ever found the time to list all the movies, books, advertisements and even online photo stock that promote black female dark skin exclusion or vilification, I would be here all day. Awareness is a start, I would dare anyone to consciously take note at posters, magazines, TV shows, movies, banners, even the type of women "refined" looking black males walk with on the streets.

And if or when you do see dark skinned black females particularly in movies and on television shows, take note on how their characters are set to be portrayed as compared. Do this consciously and honestly for just a week or two and you will see what AB, myself and others have been talking about.

Ok I'm done...

MeandMyMicroscope said...

M. Rigmaiden said...
And MMM I've observed that you bring chaos here with your insults and nastiness. You claim to agree with me about the nonsensical skin color talk then you insult Maria precisely because of her ethnic background and perceived complexion.

That is WRONG. Stop doing it. You don't do anything but cause the quality of discourse to go down with your petty insults.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Since you feel so fuckin' compelled to defend this nasty bitch, allow me to get YOUR ass in check. First, you've been on this blog all of one hot minute yet you claim to know the history of the beef between me and Macaroni? Get the fuck outta here, 'cause you do NOT know the history of the bruhaha between me and the garlic smelling one. SHE started the bullshit negative attacks toward me starting with my former username, SHE started with the constant insults and when I got sick and fucking tired of ignoring her bitter ass AND her assonomyous comments, I checked the bitch.

Now if you still gotta problem with that, you can join her in kissing my ass and in the future, stay outta business your newbie ass doesn't know jack shit about, aight?

La♥audiobooks said...

Fly, I think M. Rigmaiden has been a regular on this site long before you have.

maria said...

RM-- THANK YOU.

as you know, nothing MMM says here is true. and no one here kisses her ass least of all me or you-- with the exception of someone posting as stillwaters or something, who i think is her husband. as you see, she is beyond reach.

thanks also La books!

M. Rigmaiden said...

Yep MMM, you just showed that you behave as a petty ignorant tyrant. I have been blogging with the Field Negro since he first STARTED his blog YEARS AGO. Yeah when Dell Gines still had an up and running blog. However, being a Newbie is not a valid reason to eschew my suggestions.

You routinely insult someone based upon their ethnicity, which is utterly anathema to the spirit of FN's blog. He is here to call out racism and prejudice and you are here perpetuating it.

It doesn't matter if you think Maria said some off kilter things. So be it. We all have our days. But when you come here and insult here due to some beef you are STILL perpetuating...well it just makes you look nasty.

I said this in another post, can't we get along without namecalling and insults?

MeandMyMicroscope said...

MR, allow me to be clear for the last time and allow me to address you for the last time. When I'm attacked, I go for the jugular, so if that's nasty to you, I don't really give a flying fuck.

Temple said...

La Audiobooks said:
"AB, I respect all perspectives, but you have been hitting some hard points, too much to scan up for copying and pasting. You have been preaching the cold truth, and many others (even silent) know it too. And notice it's always the people who benefit from the colorism equation that fight to keep it from being exposed the most, especially among other black people. They want people to believe it is not there, a figment of someone else's imagination or insecurity.

It's usually colorist black men who want to continue their dark skin discrimination without having to be called out with legitimate claims on their sick hateful pathological scornfulness towards dark skinned black females and hypocrisies towards black women in general. (Shady what's his name is a willfully perpetuating suspect, you can tell. Steve well knows the truth, he's not stupid, but he takes pleasure in being spiteful). And then there's SOME of the light skinned or some bi-racial black women who want them and others to continue, so they can feel secured being uniquely coddled and having first choice in "desirability" and preference amongst these men and other colorist inclined. That's just to name a few reasons.

AB, this is a deeply rooted pathology that some people have a vested interest in keeping from being exposed, they will never "see" nor admit. Why should they when they've been eating all their lives from the kosher parts of the big neon elephant.

Steve, since I'm not dark skinned, I guess it's gonna be hard for you to theorize the dark skinned complex."

Standing ovation given & deserved for this.

M. Rigmaiden said...

" MeandMyMicroscope said...

MR, allow me to be clear for the last time and allow me to address you for the last time. When I'm attacked, I go for the jugular, so if that's nasty to you, I don't really give a flying fuck."
MMM

That's okay MMM, since you responded to me you clearly must have thought about what I said.

You are a scientist? Interesting. You behave more like someone who is mad at the world.

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