A letter to John McCain

Dear Mr. Straight Talk:



I know this has been a rough few days for you because of that NYT story coming out about your closeness to a certain lobbyist. That, and the fact that the latest polls are showing you trailing the likely Democratic nominee in damn near every state.





I know some of your conservative friends, like Rush Limp-boy has rallied around you. And they are even claiming that this latest scandal might actually help you. But I am not buying it. Whenever something comes up that reminds voters of the K word it can't be good for you.



Anyway, because you are a genuine A-merry-can hero, and because I have always had a soft spot in my heart for you, I am going to give you some advice (I know your campaign is short on cash, so I won't charge you a dime for it):



1. Play up the affair part of this story. Hell the woman was thirty years your junior. What better way to let the A-merry-can voters know that you are not that old after all, and that you can last four years without spending half of it in Walter Reed .


2. Call out Rush and all the other conservative radio talk show hosts that have been giving you a hard time. Take a page from Bill Clinton's book, and make them your Sista Souljahs. So you piss them off, what are they going to do, tell their people to vote for the Democratic nominee? I don't think so.


3. Tell Cindy to shut up. The last time I checked "The Stepford Wives" bombed (whoops, poor choice of words) at the box office.


4. Send Muqtada al Sadr some flowers with future assurances that if you are elected President, there will be lots more where they came from.


5. Since you can't wear those high heel boots like Prince. (It just doesn't look presidential)
I know you are somewhat challenged in terms of your height, so I would suggest wearing some lifts in those wing tips.


6. Brush up on your Spanish.


7. Watch your temper. I can see you slipping up and referring to the "O" man as "boy" during one of the debates.


I wish I had more for you, but honestly, I don't want you to win, I just want you to be competitive.



Sincerely,

TFN

The Field Negro.

Obama's secret weapon.

“I’ll do whatever he says to do... I’ll collect paper cups off the ground to make his pathway clear.”

This is what Halle Berry supposedly told my hometown paper, The Philadelphia Daily News about the "O" man.

Now I am not as big a Halle fan as a lot of other fellows, but I know all about the common perception of girlfriend. So I was thinking, maybe the "O" man and his Obamaholics could use this bit of news to gain some political advantage. I mean now that we know that Mr. Straight Talk actually has some bullets left in the old six shooter (yes I believe the New York Times on this one), wouldn't it be a good idea to use Halle to set him up? "I'll do whatever he says to do.." OK Halle, I need you to pretend Mr. Straight Talk is Billy Bob Thornton and allow us to get a few pics of you two going....well, "Monster's Ball" on each other. Think you could do that? The Obamaholics would be grateful to you for life. Think about it. You would be helping another child of a mixed marriage ascend to the highest office in the land, and gain some major popularity with millions of A-merry-cans for life. Just think, even when you make a stinker of a movie like "Cat Woman", you would still be guaranteed box office success because of your built in audience.

But seriously, this story with Mr. Straight Talk gives us a classic example of how fucked up A-merry-ca truly is. First, it's not about him cheating on his wife with this lobbyist. The secular progressives, unlike the wackos on the right could care less who or what Mr. Straight Talk is getting his freak on with. The problem here is not that he might have been using up his Viagra supply on Ms. Lobbyist. No, the problem is that her clients might have been getting special favors because she was so...ahem ahem, close to Mr. Straight Talk. (Your talk isn't the only thing that's straight Senator.....I love this stuff)

And now we have to listen to these imbeciles on the right shoot the messenger once again. Yeah that's the ticket, excuse the Senator giving into special interests and jump on the New York Times simply for telling us the story. Talk about ass backwards. And now we hear that this will actually help Mr. Straight Talk, because it seems that the only thing the right wingers hate more than one of their own betraying the public trust is the New York Times.

Well my loony right wing friends, enjoy fighting that vast left wing conspiracy. You and Mr. Straight Talk deserve each other.